jocularity

[kidoggy]

Crumpled Money.......

While enjoying their evening cocktails, the wife asks her husband, in a very seductive voice, "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"
"No," said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft,
silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked him, "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"Uh... no, I haven't," he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties...
and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

"Now," she said, "have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"

He said, "No!," trying to hide his anticipation.

She said, "Check the garage."

 

[Colorado T]

The operations manager at the Tickle Me Elmo doll factory met with his factory foreman and asked how things were going. The foreman said their new doll tester wasn't working out and they need to fire her because the dolls were piling up. The manager said "Let's go take a look" and they walked out to see a huge pile of dolls waiting to be tested. When they looked closer at what the lady was doing they started to laugh. She was cutting long strips of red fabric and sewing them between the Elmo dolls legs and attaching two marbles. The foreman stopped laughing long enough to tell the lady "No, no, I told you to give them a couple 'Test Tickles'"

 

[dustin ray]

President Trump is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.

A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts, “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.

Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks, “What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?”

Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout Donald.... duck!”

 

[Don K]

Cleveland, OH (AP) - A 7 year old boy was at the center of a court room drama yesterday when he challenged the court’s ruling of who should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents, and was initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beats him more than his parents, and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he should live with his grandparents, the boy cried and then stated they beat him also.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life for them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Cleveland Browns, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone, ever.

 

[kidoggy]

After his wife had a baby, the new minister appealed to the congregation for a salary increase to cover the addition to the family. The congregation agreed that it was only fair and approved it.
When the next child arrived, the minister appealed, and again, the congregation approved the increase. Several years and five children later, the congregation voiced their unhappiness over the increasing expenses.
The minister stood up and shouted "Procreation is an act of God!"
An old man in the back stood and shouted back, "So are rain and snow, but we wear rubbers for them!"

 

[kidoggy]

A Jewish congregation in New York honors its Rabbi for 25 years of service by sending him to Hawaii for a week, all expenses paid. When he walks into his hotel room, there’s a beautiful girl, nude, lying on the bed. She says, “Hi, Rabbi, I’m a little something extra that the president of the board arranged for you.” The Rabbi is incensed. He picks up the phone, calls the President of the Temple Board and says, “Greenberg, what were you thinking? Where’s your respect? I am the moral leader of our community! I am very angry with you and you have not heard the end of this.” The girl gets up and starts to get dressed. The Rabbi turns to her and says, “Where are you going? I’m not angry with you.”

 

[kidoggy]

No end to teh sexual allegations:

I just read of a professional who lost his job: after 7 yrs of medical school and training he has been fired for one minor indiscretion.

He slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in the profession.

What a waste of time, effort, training and money. He's still paying off his school loans. This just goes to show you one minor mistake can ruin your life unfairly. Thoughts and prayers for him and his family.

The article says he really is a great guy and a brilliant veterinarian.

 

[kidoggy]

My girlfriend said to me the other day ..

"Why did God give women cramp pains , and men nothing !!"

I laughed and replied , " Don't be silly , he gave us women."

 

[kidoggy]

For three years, the young attorney had been

taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he’d finally managed an affair with the innkeeper’s daughter.

Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

“Helen, why didn’t you write when you learned you were pregnant?” he cried. “I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!”

“Well,” she said, “when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin’ and talkin’ about whether we’d rather have a bastard in the family, or a lawyer.”

 

[dustin ray]

That's when the fight started!!
My wife said she had blisters on her hands from using the broom all day. I told her "Next time take the car".......that's when the fight started.

 

[kidoggy]

An American, a Mexican and an Italian robbed a bank. As it turned out, they got a lot of cash in Dollars, Pesos and Liras.
When they returned back to their hide-out, the American distributed the money in three even shares. He counted each portion aloud:

"1000 Dollars for me, 1000 Pesos for you, 1000 liras for you ...
1000 Dollars for me, 1000 Pesos for you, 1000 liras for you ...
1000 Dollars for me, 1000 Pesos for you, 1000 liras for you ..."

The Mexican said to the Italian, "Well I can't stand these Yankees, but I have to admit they are honest.

 

[dustin ray]

Thats when the fight started
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
that's when the fight started.....

 

[Fttpow]

2 young brothers, 6 and 4, were outside playing one day, when the oldest declared that it was time for them to learn how to cuss.
The older one said "When we go inside for lunch I'm going to say hell and you say a$$." They both agreed.
When they went in for lunch the mother asked the oldest what he wanted to eat for lunch.
"Aw hell mom, I'll just have cereal."
His mother smacked him to the floor, picked him up by the ear and kicked him, screaming, sobbing and yelling all the way to his room.
She slammed his door and told him not to come out until she told him to.
She went back to the kitchen and asked his younger brother what he wanted to eat for lunch.
He said " You can bet your a$$ it isn't cereal!"

 

[Fttpow]

A farmer drove to his neighbor's house and knocked on the door. A boy about 9 answered the door.
"Is your dad or mom home?" asked the farmer.
"No, they went to town." replied the boy.
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No, he went with Dad and Mom."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting feet and mumbling to himself.
"I know where all the tools are, if you need to borrow something, or I can leave Dad a message." said the boy.
"Well," said the farmer, uncomfortably, "I really want to talk to your dad. It's about your brother, Howard, getting my daughter Suzie pregnant."
The boy thought for a moment.
"You'd have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

 

[kidoggy]

Kim Jong-Un announced yesterday that North Korea will be sending a man to the sun within ten years!

A reporter asked, "But the sun is too hot. How can your man land on the sun?”

There was a stunned silence while the reporter was beaten. Nobody seemed to know how to react.

Kim Jong-Un quietly answered. "We will land at night."

The gathering and everyone in North Korea watching on television broke into thunderous applause.

Meanwhile, back in Washington, Nancy Pelosi and her entourage were watching Kim's announcement on TV at the DNC headquarters.

When Nancy heard what Kim had just said, she sneered - "What an idiot. Everybody knows there’s no sun at night.”

Her office and everyone working in the DNC broke into thunderous applause.

 

[ScottR]

Good stuff, haven't looked at this in a few days.

 

[kidoggy]

Dear Tide,
I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have Ive used it since the beginning of my married life, when my Mom told me it was the best. Now that I am older and going through menopause, I find it even better

In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My unfeeling and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.
Well one thing led to another and I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out.

After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out

In fact, the stains came out so well, that when the detectives w ho came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative.

Later, my attorney called and said that I would no longer be considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief.

I thank you, once again, for having such a great product. Well, gotta go now, I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people. ...

 

[kidoggy]

15 feb at 08:48 ?
Things can get out of hand pretty quickly in these times.
What a morning...

8:00 I made a snowman.
8:10 A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.
8:15 I made a snow woman.
8:17 The nanny of the neighbours complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest.
8:20 The gay couple living nearby grumbled that it could have been two snowmen instead.
8:25 The vegans at No. 12 complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.
8:28 I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
8:31 The Muslim gent across the road wants the snow woman to wear a headscarf.
8:40 Someone calls the cops who show up to see what's going on.
8:42 I am told that the broomstick of the snowman needs to be removed because it could be used as a deadly weapon. Things get worse after I mutter : "Yeah, if it's up your a***"
8:52 My phone is seized and thoroughly checked while I am blindfolded and flown to the police station in a helicopter.
9:00 I'm on the news as a suspected terrorist bent on stirring up trouble at this sensitive time.
9:10 I am asked if I have any accomplices.
9:29 ISIS just claimed responsibility..

 

[kidoggy]

Wife called,

"Three girls in my office just received flowers, they're absolutely gorgeous"

I said "That's probably why they received flowers".


an then the fight started

 

[Fttpow]

A man walked into a therapist’s office looking very depressed. “Doc, you’ve got to help me. I can’t go on like this.”

“What’s the problem?” the doctor inquired.

“Well, I’m 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away.”

“My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you’ll have women buzzing all around you.”

The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face.

“Did my advice not work?” asked the doctor.

“It worked alright. For the past several weeks I’ve enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women.”

“So, what’s your problem?”

“I don’t have a problem,” the man replied. “My wife does.”