jocularity

[kidoggy]

A guy meets a sex worker in a bar.
She says, ‘This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300 as long as you can say it in three words.’
The guy replies, ‘Hey, why not?’ He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays $300 on the bar, and says slowly. ‘Paint…my….porch.’

 

[kidoggy]

one morning on the golf course Two men were playing golf when one noticed a funeral procession passing the course. He removed his cap, lowered his head, and whispered a prayer. "That was nice of you," his friend said. The man put his cap back on. "It's the least I could do," he said. "I was married to her for thirty-six years."

 

[Prerylyon]

[emoji38]

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SGH-I337Z using Tapatalk

 

[kidoggy]

Just before the final exam in 
my college finance class, a less-than-stellar student approached me.

“Can you tell me what grade 
I would need to get on the exam 
to pass the course?” he asked.

I gave him the bad news. “The exam is worth 100 points. You would need 113 points to earn a D.”

“OK,” he said. “And how many points would I need to get a C?”

 

[kidoggy]

SEX AND GOOD GRAMMAR

On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction!

The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man.

The old Indian gave him a potion and with a grip on his shoulder warned,

'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful,
and then say '1-2-3.'

When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want."

The man thanked the old Indian and as he walked away, he turned and asked,

"How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, and took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked,

"What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition.
We could end up with a dangling participle.

 

[nv-hunter]

THIS IS A “LAUGH OUT LOUD EMAIL”---SO I HAD TO PASS IT ON---HOPE YOU AGREE---


How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?


These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said. . .
in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment
of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place...

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your Husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where are you Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan


ATTORNEY: This Myasthenia Gravis, does it affect your Memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your Memory?
WITNESS: I Forget.
ATTORNEY: You Forget? Can you give us an Example of something you Forgot?



ATTORNEY: Now Doctor, isn't it true that when a Person dies in his sleep, He doesn't know about it until the next Morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually Pass the Bar Exam?


ATTORNEY: The Youngest Son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.


ATTORNEY: Were you Present when your Picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you Kidding me?


ATTORNEY: She had three Children, Right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were Boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any Girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different Attorney. Can I get a new Attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first Marriage Terminated?
WITNESS: By Death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose Death was it Terminated?
WITNESS: Take a Guess.


ATTORNEY: Can you describe the Individual?
WITNESS: He was about Medium Height and had a Beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a Male or a Female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with Male.


ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your Autopsies have you Performed on Dead People?
WITNESS: All of them. The Live Ones Put Up Too Much Of A Fight.


ATTORNEY: ALL your Responses MUST be Oral, OK? What School did you go to?
WITNESS: ORAL...


ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the Body?
WITNESS: The Autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was Dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.


And Lastly:


ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the Autopsy, did you check for a Pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for Blood Pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for Breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the Patient was Alive when you began the Autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his Brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the Patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and Practicing Law.


Top

 

[nv-hunter]

Be a Trooper

Alarm goes off at 0500

Wake up Richard, your shift starts at 1300 today

Stumble out of bed, stand next to the mirror and look sad

Put on campaign hat

Heck yeah

All better now

Wife asks you why you’re wearing your campaign hat at 5 in the morning

‘I’m a Trooper.’

Wife shakes head and walks away

Walk out to driveway

Start to wash and wax your squad

Notice neighbor looking at you funny

‘Hey Richard, that’s the third time you’ve washed your police car in 24 hours……’

Look at your neighbor in disgust

Did he just call you a police officer?

Heck Ya I’m a Trooper

Walk away

Put on campaign hat

Heck yeah

All better now

It’s 1259 now

Shift starts at 1300

Sit in your squad

Finger tapping on the mic

Crap is it 1300 yet?

It is now

Start squad up

Driving the highways

Hot call comes out

You’re dispatched to it

Adrenaline pumping

120 miles per hour down the freeway

Lights/siren going

Arrive on scene

Remove tree branch that was partially blocking the shoulder

Saving frecking lives man

Tip campaign hat to a passing motorist

They ask you why you did that

I just saved your life mam

‘I’m a Trooper.’

No need to thank me, just doing my job

Get back into squad car

Time to crack down on speeders

Make your first traffic stop

Unbelievable speeder

You stare in horror for the blatant disregard they have for others

Issue the citation for speed

‘Sir you’re receiving a citation for 57 in a 55 today…’

“Seriously? This is the third time this week…Only you…”

‘Sir……………………………………………….I’m a Trooper. I just saved your life. Slow down’

Walk away

Heck yeah I’m a Trooper

Get back in squad car

Scanning city police channel

Overheard a call come out

Hot call

Shooting

Four people confirmed shot

Shakes head

‘Not on the highway, not interrupting my day.’

Stop a car for speed

58 in a 55

Heathens

Get a hot call

Adrenaline pumping, palms sweaty

120 mph on the freeway

Lights/siren going

Arrive on scene

Remove empty, flat 2x2 cardboard box from #3 lane

Saved another frecking life today

Say ‘You’re welcome, motoring public’ and tip your campaign hat as you walk to your squad

People shrug their shoulders and wonder why you do that

They don’t get it

They’re not Troopers

We’re the gold standard of law enforcement

They just can’t comprehend it

End your shift

It’s been a long 8 hours

Pull your squad into your driveway

Go into shock

Staring in horror at the neighbors front lawn

Get out of squad car

Start walking quickly towards the neighbors to confront them

Crap, forgot the campaign hat

Go back to squad car

Put campaign hat on

Start walking quickly to neighbors again

Your wife sees you

‘RICHARD! What are you doing?’

“This has been going on too long. I’m talking to the neighbors and fixing this problem.”

Get to the neighbors house

Pound on door furiously

Answered

‘Hey…Richard…what’s up?’

“Your lawn. Grass is 5 inches tall. Ordinance says 4 inches max. Follow the rules. Next time it’s a ticket.”

See. Troopers can give warnings too

 

[Joe Schmo]

Me: So I hear that the MVUA's are strictly enforced in Wyoming, is that true or do people drive back behind the gates?

Game Warden: (long pause) Why don't you just follow the rules and you wouldn't have to worry about it?

Talk about a miscommunication!!

 

[Winchester]

Four Seasons

 

[kidoggy]

Be a Trooper

Alarm goes off at 0500

Wake up Richard, your shift starts at 1300 today

Stumble out of bed, stand next to the mirror and look sad

Put on campaign hat

Heck yeah

All better now

Wife asks you why you’re wearing your campaign hat at 5 in the morning

‘I’m a Trooper.’

Wife shakes head and walks away

Walk out to driveway

Start to wash and wax your squad

Notice neighbor looking at you funny

‘Hey Richard, that’s the third time you’ve washed your police car in 24 hours……’

Look at your neighbor in disgust

Did he just call you a police officer?

Heck Ya I’m a Trooper

Walk away

Put on campaign hat

Heck yeah

All better now

It’s 1259 now

Shift starts at 1300

Sit in your squad

Finger tapping on the mic

Crap is it 1300 yet?

It is now

Start squad up

Driving the highways

Hot call comes out

You’re dispatched to it

Adrenaline pumping

120 miles per hour down the freeway

Lights/siren going

Arrive on scene

Remove tree branch that was partially blocking the shoulder

Saving frecking lives man

Tip campaign hat to a passing motorist

They ask you why you did that

I just saved your life mam

‘I’m a Trooper.’

No need to thank me, just doing my job

Get back into squad car

Time to crack down on speeders

Make your first traffic stop

Unbelievable speeder

You stare in horror for the blatant disregard they have for others

Issue the citation for speed

‘Sir you’re receiving a citation for 57 in a 55 today…’

“Seriously? This is the third time this week…Only you…”

‘Sir……………………………………………….I’m a Trooper. I just saved your life. Slow down’

Walk away

Heck yeah I’m a Trooper

Get back in squad car

Scanning city police channel

Overheard a call come out

Hot call

Shooting

Four people confirmed shot

Shakes head

‘Not on the highway, not interrupting my day.’

Stop a car for speed

58 in a 55

Heathens

Get a hot call

Adrenaline pumping, palms sweaty

120 mph on the freeway

Lights/siren going

Arrive on scene

Remove empty, flat 2x2 cardboard box from #3 lane

Saved another frecking life today

Say ‘You’re welcome, motoring public’ and tip your campaign hat as you walk to your squad

People shrug their shoulders and wonder why you do that

They don’t get it

They’re not Troopers

We’re the gold standard of law enforcement

They just can’t comprehend it

End your shift

It’s been a long 8 hours

Pull your squad into your driveway

Go into shock

Staring in horror at the neighbors front lawn

Get out of squad car

Start walking quickly towards the neighbors to confront them

Crap, forgot the campaign hat

Go back to squad car

Put campaign hat on

Start walking quickly to neighbors again

Your wife sees you

‘RICHARD! What are you doing?’

“This has been going on too long. I’m talking to the neighbors and fixing this problem.”

Get to the neighbors house

Pound on door furiously

Answered

‘Hey…Richard…what’s up?’

“Your lawn. Grass is 5 inches tall. Ordinance says 4 inches max. Follow the rules. Next time it’s a ticket.”

See. Troopers can give warnings too

there's a minute I wish I had back.lol.

 

[kidoggy]

A cop stopped me for speeding.

He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it."

 

[kidoggy]

God visited a woman and told

her she must give up smoking, drinking and
unmarried sex if she wants to get into Heaven. The woman said she would try
her best.

God visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on.

"Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking but then I
bent over to look in the freezer, my boyfriend caught sight
of my long slender legs in high heels, he pulled up my skirt, pulled my
panties to one side and made love to me right then and there."

"They don't like that in Heaven", said God.

The woman replied: "They're not crazy about it at Costco either!

 

[kidoggy]

On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me...

"If you ever come close to me, I'll skin you alive.
When we're sleeping, you don't touch me. You hear me?
Don't ever talk to me, either."

" great." I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."

 

[kidoggy]

A man got stopped by a Game Warden with his basket full of fish.
Warden: do you have a permit for all these fish?
Man: no sir. These are all my pet fish.
Warden: your pet fish? How's that?
Man: well, every night I take all my pet fish for a walk to the lake, I let them swim for about half hour and then I whistle and they all come back and jump in my basket and we go home. We do this every night.
Warden: Well that's just a crock of lies!!
Man: here I'll show you... (Releases the fish in the lake)
Warden: well this I got to see!!
5 minutes later...
Warden: well??
Man: what?
Warden: the fish!! Where's your pet fish??
Man: what fish??

 

[kidoggy]

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in stunningly sexy lingerie. "Tie me up," she purred, "And you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went fishing

 

[kidoggy]

I hear exaggerations are up

by like a billion percent this year.




I saw a job request for a male porno star

I bet the competition is really stiff

 

[kidoggy]

Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that, in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.

Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist. They put up a sign reading "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors."

The town council was livid and insisted they change it.

So, the docs changed it to read: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." This was also not acceptable, so they again changed the sign.

"Catatonics and High Colonics". . .no go.

Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives" . . . thumbs down.

Then came "Minds and Behinds" . . . still no good.

Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes" . . . unacceptable!

So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts" . . . not a chance.

"Nuts and Butts" . . . no way.

"Freaks and Cheeks" . . . still no good.

"Loons and Moons" . . . forget it.

The docs finally came up with “Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Odds and Ends.”
Everyone loved it!

 

[kidoggy]

A man with a stutter goes to see his doctor

"Is the stutter getting better with those exercises I gave you?" asks the doctor.

"It's b-b-better. But my dad calls me D-D-Donkey" the man replies.

"Why does he call you Donkey?" asks the doctor.

"No idea, but he aw he aw he aw he always calls me that."

 

[Colorado T]

A woman took her duck to the vet and laid it on the table. The vet looked the duck over and said "I am sorry ma'am but your duck is dead". The lady asks "Are you sure, please tell me he's not dead. Are there any other tests to make sure?" The vet grudgingly leaves the room and brings back a black lab and walks him up to the table. The lab sniffs the duck and sits down, looks up to the vet with sad eyes and shakes his head no. The vet leaves the room and brings back a cat and sets it on the table next to the duck. The cat sniffs the duck up and down then sits back and looks up at the vet shaking his head. The vet removes the cat and tells the lady "I am sorry but your duck is dead and there isn't anything we can do". The vet hands the lady a bill and she gasps "$400! All you did was tell me my duck was dead, why so expensive?" The vet says "It would have only been $50 but you asked for tests and I gave you a lab report and a cat scan which are expensive."

 

[NE69]

This is a nice thread I look for every day. Thanks Kidoggy and other contributors!!!!