jocularity

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
9,855
10,861
58
idaho
The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.... The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
"You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
"Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"
 

Prerylyon

Veteran member
Apr 25, 2016
1,334
511
52
Cedar Rapids, IA
Just seeing this...

Man, this is a few days old now-but its goooooood! [emoji23]

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SGH-I337Z using Tapatalk
 
Last edited:

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
9,855
10,861
58
idaho
mother knows



John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening,
while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and
the roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure.

"

So, he sat down and wrote, "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But, the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But, the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom.

Lesson of the day: Don't lie to your mother.
 

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
9,855
10,861
58
idaho
A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.
They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed
the woman slowly sliding down her chair, under the table and under the table cloth
but the man stared straight ahead.

The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and totally out
of sight under the tablecloth.
Still, the man stared straight ahead.

The waitress, thinking this behaviour a bit risqu? and worried that it might offend
other diners,
went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the man:
"Pardon me sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table."

The man calmly looked up at her and said:

"No, she didn't .......... she just walked in."
 

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
9,855
10,861
58
idaho
One man's trash is another Man's treasure?


Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out that you were adopted.
 

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
9,855
10,861
58
idaho
Why isn't there democracy in North Korea?

Because every time they try to pronounce "election" everyone starts to giggle.
 

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
9,855
10,861
58
idaho
OK, see if you can follow along

In California, if a business breaks the law by hiring someone who broke the law and entered the country illegally, they will not be prosecuted.
But, if the same law breaking business doesn't tell the law breaking employee that the federal government is doing an audit of their employees to see that they are not breaking the law, thus giving the law breaking employee time to evade being arrested for breaking the law, that business will be prosecuted.
It's official. We are now living in a Bizarro comic strip.


I know , not really funny but it is a joke.
 

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
9,855
10,861
58
idaho
The wife complains
that I don’t take any interest in our children.
That’s the last time I offer to pick up the fat one from school!
 

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
9,855
10,861
58
idaho
News just in!
Someone has been killed with a starter pistol.

Police think it might be race related.
 

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
9,855
10,861
58
idaho
A man has been arrested after trying to scale the security fence at the White House. Police who led the man away were heard to say, "We don't care how bad it is, you've got another three years to serve, Mr President."
 

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
9,855
10,861
58
idaho
My wife told me

women are better at multitasking than men.

So I told her to sit down and shut up.

Guess what...

She couldn't do either!
 

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
9,855
10,861
58
idaho
No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."
 

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
9,855
10,861
58
idaho
As I knelt down in the shoe shop with a pair of shoes in front of this sexy blonde, I couldn't resist a quick glance up her short skirt...


"Hey pervy!" she said. "I bet the only reason you work here is to look up girls' skirts, isn't it?!"

"That's absolutely ridiculous!" I said. "I don't even work here!"
 

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
9,855
10,861
58
idaho
The Mrs got in the shower with me this morning.
She said “Mmmmm baby, I want you to do bad things to me.”
So I put shampoo in her eyes.
 

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
9,855
10,861
58
idaho
TODAY'S SHORT READING FROM THE BIBLE

From Genesis: "And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth."
Then He made the earth round...and He laughed and laughed and laughed!
 

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
9,855
10,861
58
idaho
An American Indian walks into a NY restaurant

The hostess asked "Excuse me sir, do you have a reservation"?
 

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
9,855
10,861
58
idaho
I can't find my "Gone in 60 Seconds" DVD.

It was here a minute ago.

You can always tell if it's an Alligator or a
Crocodile by paying close attention to whether it wants to see you later or after while.
 
Last edited:

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
9,855
10,861
58
idaho
Jehovahs Witnesses: "Do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?"

Me: "Of course! Please come in!"

[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[PowerPoint presentation begins]

Me: "But first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!"