jocularity

[Hilltop]

One of the better stand up routines I have listened to recently... https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=1&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0ahUKEwjintr3to7XAhWEKCYKHdkJD38QtwIIKTAA&url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=paG1-lPtIXA&usg=AOvVaw0xexiSUig1wpI3puwW8dcZ

 

[kidoggy]

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in a village. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer Peter replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in this side of the planet and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in this village. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule'."

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

The farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees !

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.

The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet.

Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

 

[kidoggy]

One Sunday afternoon...

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"

 

[kidoggy]

My buddy asked if he could crash on my couch
tonight.

I had to explain to him that I was married now and that’s where I sleep.

 

[ScottR]

Bumping this up so kidoggy won't forget to post here today...

 

[JimP]

Mom sent this:

My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre.

Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a night light and the radio, then put the cat in the backyard. When our taxi arrived, we walked out the front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs back inside, and went running up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we really didn't want to leave them unsupervised so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the backyard again.

Because I didn't want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, I explained to him that my husband would only be a moment as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother. A few minutes later he got into the taxi all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the taxi pulled away.

"Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn't scratch me like she did last time... but it worked! I hauled her fat ass down the stairs and threw her into the backyard... she had better not shit in the vegetable garden again."

The silence in the taxi was deafening.

 

[kidoggy]

The Pheasant Hunting Suprise
Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to load my pheasant hunting gear intothe truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential down pour. The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.' My loving wife of 20 yrs replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out pheasant hunting in that crap?' I still don't know to this day if she was joking

 

[kidoggy]

One day this Swede walked into town to do some shopping. On his way home his Norwegian neighbor saw him carrying a bag. He hurried out to greet him and asked what he had in his bag. The Swede replied ,"chickens."
The Norwegian asked how many he had.
the Swede says," if you can guess how many I have I will give you both of them."
The Norwegian replied," 3."

 

[kidoggy]

One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two

new members were being introduced to other members and shown around. The man leading them around said, “See that old man asleep in the chair by the fire- place? That's fred He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you’ll never forget.”

They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a hunting story.

“Well,” fred began, “I remember back in ’44, we went on a lion hunting expedition in Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three days without seeing a thing. On the fourth day, I was so tired I had to rest. I found a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and fell asleep. I don’t know how long I was asleep when I was awakened by a noise in the bushes. I was reaching for my gun when the biggest lion I ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this, ‘ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!… ‘ I tell you, I just messed my pants.”

The young men looked astonished and one of them said, “I don’t blame you, I would have messed my pants too if a lion jumped out at me.”

Old fred shook his head and said, “No, no, not then, just now when I said ‘ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!’”

 

[kidoggy]

A Cowboy was going deer hunting.. His blonde

wife said she was going with him.. That they never did anything

together.. So, they went.. He put her in a stand by herself.. Later in
the
morning he heard her shoot.. He went over to her stand and she
was pointing
her rifle at a guy with a cowboy hat on.. The guy was
telling her,
Ma'mm, you can have the deer you shot.. I just want
to take my saddle off
of him!

 

[kidoggy]

This Hit Me like a Ton of Bricks

I Just Realized Something: My dog has his food prepared for him. His meals are provided at no cost to him. He visits the Dr. once a year for his checkup and again during the year, if any medical needs arise. For this he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him. He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep. If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep. He receives these accommodations absolutely free. He is living like a king and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of his costs are picked up by others who earn a living. I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me ~ MY dog is a CONGRESSMAN

 

[kidoggy]

Two guys
are out hunting deer. The first
guy says, "Did you see that?"

"No," the second guy
says.

"Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead," the first guy says.

"Oh,"
says the second guy.

A couple of minutes later, The first guy
says, "Did you see that?"

"See what?" the second guy
asks.

"Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over

there."

"Oh."

A few minutes later the first guy says:
"Did you see that?"

By now, the second guy is getting
aggravated, so he says, "Yes, I
did!"

And the first guy says: "Then
why did you step in it?"

 

[kidoggy]

There is this old fart, Fred who walks into a local bar.
He spies a young 60 something year old sitting at the bar, drinking
he walks over and says, "Hi, can i buy you a drink?"
She shrugs ... "Sure"
Fred asks if she frequents the bar on a regular basis and she says, "Yes'
Fred summons his courage and asks the big question,
"Do I come here often?"

 

[kidoggy]

Little Johnny is late for school one morning. His teacher asks him why he was late.

"Well, Miss, I had to take our cow over to the next farm and have her serviced. You know. Bred."

Teacher thinks, and says "but couldn't your father have done it?"

"Yes, Miss, he could have," Johnny said, "but not as good as the bull."

 

[Hilltop]

Going through withdraws Kidoggy... you slacking

 

[kidoggy]

...........

 

[kidoggy]

................

 

[ScottR]

................

Well then... I feel very safe in my tent...

 

[kidoggy]

Roger, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger, Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Roger is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other. But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.' Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'

 

[kidoggy]

Testicle: a funny exam question.

Forfeit: what most animals stand on.

Seamstress: 250 pounds in a size six.

Hootenanny: a big-breasted au pair.

Polarize: what penguins see with.

Irrepressible: hopelessly wrinkled.

Node: was aware of.

Metronome: a subway pixie.

Khaki: a device for starting a car in Boston.