jocularity

[kidoggy]

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.."I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."

 

[kidoggy]

A young boy comes home from school at around 7pm

As he walks through the door his Dad questions him. "Where the hell have you been?" "I was with Jessica" He replied. "And what were you doing?" "We were studying" The boy replies right before walking over to the table and picking up a snack and taking a bite. "Wow, these fishcakes are delicious!" he said. After laughing a little, his Dad replies "Go and brush your teeth , son, they're doughnuts".

 

[nv-hunter]

If only lol

 

[ScottR]

Friendly reminder, keep this family friendly guys.

 

[ScottR]

Moderator comments on a joke thread, joke thread dies...

 

[BossBrott]

Best thread dead, bummer.

 

[Hilltop]

Think everyone is hunting... I hope it will get rolling again when guys get bored.

 

[kidoggy]

just trying to respect mod wishes and keep it clean.

Ten Reasons Why Dogs Are Better Pets Than Cats.

1. Dogs will tilt their heads and try to understand every word you say. Cats will ignore you and take a nap.

2. Cats look silly on a leash.

3. When you come home from work, your dog will be happy and lick your face. Cats will still be mad at you for leaving in the first place. (of coarse one should keep in mind that they have also spent the day licking their balls!)pukeface

4. Dogs will give you unconditional love until the day they die. Cats will make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you were born.

5. A dog knows when you're sad. And he'll try to comfort you. Cats don't care how you feel, as long as you remember where the can opener is.

6. Dogs will bring you your slippers. Cats will drop a dead mouse in your slippers.

7. When you take them for a ride, dogs will sit on the seat next to you. Cats have to have their own private basket, or they won't go at all.

8. Dogs will come when you call them. And they'll be happy. Cats will have someone take a message and get back to you.

9. Dogs will play fetch with you all day long. The only thing cats will play with all day long are small rodents or bugs, preferably ones that look like they're in pain.

10. Dogs will wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak out the back door.

 

[kidoggy]

Confucius say,
man who run in front of bus, - tired.
but man who run behind bus -exhausted.

 

[Colorado Cowboy]

If only lolView attachment 19561

When I die I hope my wife doesn't sell all my guns for what I told her I paid for them!!

 

[Hilltop]

When I die I hope my wife doesn't sell all my guns for what I told her I paid for them!!

My wife and I have an understanding. I don't ask what she spends at the mall and she doesn't ask what I spend at Scheels and Cabelas. Seems to be working out ok lol.

 

[ScottR]

My wife and I have an understanding. I don't ask what she spends at the mall and she doesn't ask what I spend at Scheels and Cabelas. Seems to be working out ok lol.

And then hope that neither of you went shopping on the same day...

 

[kidoggy]

What a Woman Says:

This place is a mess! C'mon,
You and I need to clean up.
Your stuff is lying on the floor,
And if we don't do laundry right now
You'll have no clothes to wear."

What a Man Hears:

blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES.

 

[kidoggy]

Dear Cat Owner,

Following are instructions on the best way to bathe your cat:

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.

3. Obtain the cat and soothe it while you carry it towards the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).

CAUTION: Don't get any part of your body too close to the edge, as its paws will be reaching out to grab anything they can find. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides a "powerwash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.

6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can and quickly lift both lids.

8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside where it will dry itself.

Sincerely,

The DOG





p.s.


Do not do this with a kitten


They disappear during the rinse.

 

[kidoggy]

I wonder if orphans are allowed to watch PG movies.

 

[hunter mojo]

Awesome! Keep them coming.

 

[kidoggy]

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

 

[Ikeepitcold]

The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly.
They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you?
He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning. Same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said,'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all
night."
The third night was Fred's turn.
Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man.
The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

"Good morning!" he said.

They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt and kissed him good night.
Bob sat up and watched me all night."

 

[kidoggy]

Ole came home one evening and shot his dog. When his
neighbor asked why, he explained, "Some vun phoned me
up and said my vife was fooling around vith my best friend."

 

[kidoggy]

Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under ... you gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"A hundred dollars per visit."

"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.

Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street.

"Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."

"Is that so! How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"