jocularity
- Thread starter kidoggy
- Start date
JimP
Administrator
Three male friends are involved in a car accident, all die and end up in front of the pearly gates.
Before allowing them to enter an angel asks each one how many times he cheated on his wife.
The first says "twice".
The angel gives him some old car keys and tells him he will need a car to get around in heaven and his is an '82 chevette.
The second says "once".
He gets a slightly used mid size.
The third says "I've never cheated on my wife".
The angel smiles, and says "We know, we also want to know if you will lie, we know that you are telling the truth"
He is given the keys to a Rolls and it is obvious that he is very happy.
The three friends decide to meet in a few days to talk about their time in heaven.
The first arrives where they are meeting and looks happy.
The second arrives and looks even happier.
The third arrives in his Rolls and looks devistated.
The others are in disbelief, their friend is in heaven and he is driving a Rolls, could things be better?
They ask him what the problem is.
He breaks down and sobs "I just saw my wife... and she's riding a skateboard".
Before allowing them to enter an angel asks each one how many times he cheated on his wife.
The first says "twice".
The angel gives him some old car keys and tells him he will need a car to get around in heaven and his is an '82 chevette.
The second says "once".
He gets a slightly used mid size.
The third says "I've never cheated on my wife".
The angel smiles, and says "We know, we also want to know if you will lie, we know that you are telling the truth"
He is given the keys to a Rolls and it is obvious that he is very happy.
The three friends decide to meet in a few days to talk about their time in heaven.
The first arrives where they are meeting and looks happy.
The second arrives and looks even happier.
The third arrives in his Rolls and looks devistated.
The others are in disbelief, their friend is in heaven and he is driving a Rolls, could things be better?
They ask him what the problem is.
He breaks down and sobs "I just saw my wife... and she's riding a skateboard".
Hilltop
Veteran member
An Australian ventriloquist is visiting a foreign land.
One day he walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.
He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the villager "can I talk to your dog?"
Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Villager: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Villager: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Villager: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your goat?"
Villager: (in a panic) "The goat's a liar!"
One day he walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.
He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the villager "can I talk to your dog?"
Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Villager: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Villager: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Villager: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your goat?"
Villager: (in a panic) "The goat's a liar!"
JimP
Administrator
A mother and a son walk into a doctor's office because the son has been doing very poorly in his classes.
The mother says to the doctor "I think my son has become stupid."
The doctor says in reply "How do you suppose that would happen?"
"I'm sure it had something to do with those vaccines he got last year." said the mom.
"Ah-ha! That's it!" said the doctor.
"The vaccines caused it?"
"No, it's genetic."
The mother says to the doctor "I think my son has become stupid."
The doctor says in reply "How do you suppose that would happen?"
"I'm sure it had something to do with those vaccines he got last year." said the mom.
"Ah-ha! That's it!" said the doctor.
"The vaccines caused it?"
"No, it's genetic."
A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"
A farmer was in a bar drinking and looking all depressed.
His friend asked him why he was looking depressed and he replied, "Some things you just can't explain. This morning I was outside milking. As soon as the bucket was fill the cow kicked it down with his left foot so I tied up his left to a pole.
I began to fill up the bucket again and he kicked it down with his right foot, so I tied his right to a pole too.
As soon as I finished milkin'' him again he knocked down the bucket with his with his tail and I took off my belt and tied up his tail with my belt.
As I was tying up his tail, my pants dropped down, then my wife came out and well, trust me, some things you just can't explain!
His friend asked him why he was looking depressed and he replied, "Some things you just can't explain. This morning I was outside milking. As soon as the bucket was fill the cow kicked it down with his left foot so I tied up his left to a pole.
I began to fill up the bucket again and he kicked it down with his right foot, so I tied his right to a pole too.
As soon as I finished milkin'' him again he knocked down the bucket with his with his tail and I took off my belt and tied up his tail with my belt.
As I was tying up his tail, my pants dropped down, then my wife came out and well, trust me, some things you just can't explain!
This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what is wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.
There is nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.
I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.
Mess with seniors, and you're going to lose.
There is nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.
I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.
Mess with seniors, and you're going to lose.
A mob drags a man into a police station for running over 13 people, while shouting "Murderer!" "Killer " The policeman grabs the suspect and begins to interrogate him.
The policeman :" Tell me what happened. "
The suspect :" Sir I was driving home within the speed limit when my brakes failed. I had a choice of crashing the car into a group of 12 people or to swerve into a single person. Am I a monster for deciding to swerve into the single person? "
Policeman :" No, that sounds like a difficult yet reasonable decision. But tell me how did you end up killing 13 people? "
Suspect :" Well that selfish guy ran towards the other 12."
The policeman :" Tell me what happened. "
The suspect :" Sir I was driving home within the speed limit when my brakes failed. I had a choice of crashing the car into a group of 12 people or to swerve into a single person. Am I a monster for deciding to swerve into the single person? "
Policeman :" No, that sounds like a difficult yet reasonable decision. But tell me how did you end up killing 13 people? "
Suspect :" Well that selfish guy ran towards the other 12."
Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are
traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.
“Quick, quick!” shouts Sister Marilyn. “What shall we do?”
“Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination,” says Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. “What shall I do now?” she shouts.
“Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican,” says Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
“Now what?” shouts Sister Marilyn.
“Show him your cross,” says Sister Helen.
“Now you’re talking,” says Sister Marilyn as she opens the window and shouts, “Get the hell off our car!”
traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.
“Quick, quick!” shouts Sister Marilyn. “What shall we do?”
“Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination,” says Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. “What shall I do now?” she shouts.
“Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican,” says Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
“Now what?” shouts Sister Marilyn.
“Show him your cross,” says Sister Helen.
“Now you’re talking,” says Sister Marilyn as she opens the window and shouts, “Get the hell off our car!”
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked,
"Are you okay?" As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for...
"I'm okay, I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look. She said,
“Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”
"That's nice of you," I answered, “but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!”
"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated,
"I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away, and after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said,
"I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset, so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of breasts I’ve ever seen.
"Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess."
"Are you okay?" As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for...
"I'm okay, I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look. She said,
“Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”
"That's nice of you," I answered, “but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!”
"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated,
"I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away, and after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said,
"I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset, so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of breasts I’ve ever seen.
"Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess."
A man was sun bathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.
A women walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."
He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly, it would lift itself."
A women walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."
He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly, it would lift itself."
pondering lifes mysteries...
Since only 11 million people have Obama-Care, how will 24 million people die if it is repealed? Will an additional 13 million people be randomly shot?
I was thinking;
If Donald Trump deleted all of his emails, wiped his server with Bleachbit and destroyed all of his phones with a hammer, would the Mainstream Media suddenly lose all interest in the story and declare him innocent.
I was thinking;
If women do the same job for less money, why do companies hire men to do the same job for more money?
I was thinking;
If you rob a bank in a Sanctuary City, is it illegal or is it just an Undocumented Withdrawal?
I was thinking;
Each ISIS attack now is a reaction to Trump policies, but all ISIS attacks during Obama's term were due to Climate Change and a plea for jobs.
I was thinking;
After the London 'Lone Wolf' terrorist attack government officials arrested at least eight other 'Lone Wolves' who had conspired with the original 'Lone Wolf' in planning the 'Lone Wolf' attack. Why do they tell us even though all involved are Muslims, you can be assured, the 'Lone Wolf' attack has nothing at all to do with Islam, just like the other 1,000 plus 'Lone Wolf' attacks by Muslims, are completely unassociated with Islam.
I was thinking;
We should stop calling them all 'Entitlements'. Welfare, Food Stamps, WIC, ad nausea are not entitlements. They are taxpayer-funded handouts, and shouldn't be called entitlements at all. Social Security and Veterans Benefits are Entitlements because the people receiving them are entitled to them. They were earned and paid for by the recipients.
I was thinking;
If Muslims want to run away from a Muslim country, does that mean they're Islamophobic?
I was thinking;
If Liberals don't believe in biological gender then why did they march for women's rights?
I was thinking;
How did the Russians get Debbie Wasserman Schultz and the DNC to steal the Primary from Bernie Sanders? How did Russia get Donna Brazile to leak debate questions to Hillary Clinton in advance of the debates?
I was thinking;
If you don't want the FBI involved in elections, don't nominate someone who's being investigated by the FBI.
I was thinking;
If Hillary's speeches cost $250,000 an hour, how come no one shows up to her free ones?
I was thinking;
The DNC is mad at Russia because they 'think' they are trying to manipulate our election by exposing that the DNC is manipulating our election.
I was thinking;
If Democrats don't want foreigners involved in our elections, why do they think it's all right for illegals to vote?
Since only 11 million people have Obama-Care, how will 24 million people die if it is repealed? Will an additional 13 million people be randomly shot?
I was thinking;
If Donald Trump deleted all of his emails, wiped his server with Bleachbit and destroyed all of his phones with a hammer, would the Mainstream Media suddenly lose all interest in the story and declare him innocent.
I was thinking;
If women do the same job for less money, why do companies hire men to do the same job for more money?
I was thinking;
If you rob a bank in a Sanctuary City, is it illegal or is it just an Undocumented Withdrawal?
I was thinking;
Each ISIS attack now is a reaction to Trump policies, but all ISIS attacks during Obama's term were due to Climate Change and a plea for jobs.
I was thinking;
After the London 'Lone Wolf' terrorist attack government officials arrested at least eight other 'Lone Wolves' who had conspired with the original 'Lone Wolf' in planning the 'Lone Wolf' attack. Why do they tell us even though all involved are Muslims, you can be assured, the 'Lone Wolf' attack has nothing at all to do with Islam, just like the other 1,000 plus 'Lone Wolf' attacks by Muslims, are completely unassociated with Islam.
I was thinking;
We should stop calling them all 'Entitlements'. Welfare, Food Stamps, WIC, ad nausea are not entitlements. They are taxpayer-funded handouts, and shouldn't be called entitlements at all. Social Security and Veterans Benefits are Entitlements because the people receiving them are entitled to them. They were earned and paid for by the recipients.
I was thinking;
If Muslims want to run away from a Muslim country, does that mean they're Islamophobic?
I was thinking;
If Liberals don't believe in biological gender then why did they march for women's rights?
I was thinking;
How did the Russians get Debbie Wasserman Schultz and the DNC to steal the Primary from Bernie Sanders? How did Russia get Donna Brazile to leak debate questions to Hillary Clinton in advance of the debates?
I was thinking;
If you don't want the FBI involved in elections, don't nominate someone who's being investigated by the FBI.
I was thinking;
If Hillary's speeches cost $250,000 an hour, how come no one shows up to her free ones?
I was thinking;
The DNC is mad at Russia because they 'think' they are trying to manipulate our election by exposing that the DNC is manipulating our election.
I was thinking;
If Democrats don't want foreigners involved in our elections, why do they think it's all right for illegals to vote?
Bonecollector
Veteran member
North Dakota Fire Insurance
A man and his wife moved back home to North Dakota from Arizona ..
The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Arizona was $2,000.00
a year!!!
When they arrived in North Dakota, they went to Sven's Insurance
agency to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg.
Sven looked it up on his computer and said to the couple,"$39.00."
The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap in North
Dakota to insure, because it cost him $2,000.00 in Arizona !!!
Sven turned his computer screen to the couple and said, "Well, here
is it on the screen, direct from Ole's North Dakota Fire Insurance
Company , it says: Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system
over it, is $39.00".
I always did find North Dakota logic far superior to most others.
A man and his wife moved back home to North Dakota from Arizona ..
The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Arizona was $2,000.00
a year!!!
When they arrived in North Dakota, they went to Sven's Insurance
agency to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg.
Sven looked it up on his computer and said to the couple,"$39.00."
The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap in North
Dakota to insure, because it cost him $2,000.00 in Arizona !!!
Sven turned his computer screen to the couple and said, "Well, here
is it on the screen, direct from Ole's North Dakota Fire Insurance
Company , it says: Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system
over it, is $39.00".
I always did find North Dakota logic far superior to most others.
A CNN reporter walks into a neighborhood tavern and is about to order a drink when he sees a guy at the end of the bar wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat. It didn’t take an Einstein to know the guy was a Donald Trump supporter.
The CNN guy shouts over to the bartender, loudly enough that everyone in the bar could hear, “Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, except for that Trump supporter.”
After the drinks were handed out the Trump guy gives the CNN guy a big smile, waves at him and says, in an equally loud voice, “Thank you!”
This infuriates the CNN reporter. So he once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the guy wearing the Trump hat. As before, this doesn’t seem to bother the Trump guy. He just continues to smile and again yells, “Thank you!”
So the CNN guy again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Trump guy. And again the Trump guy just smiles and yells back, “Thank you!”
At that point the aggravated CNN reporter asks the bartender, “What the hell is the matter with that Trump supporter? I’ve ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him and all the silly ass does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts?”
“Nope,” replies the bartender. “He owns the place.”
The CNN guy shouts over to the bartender, loudly enough that everyone in the bar could hear, “Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, except for that Trump supporter.”
After the drinks were handed out the Trump guy gives the CNN guy a big smile, waves at him and says, in an equally loud voice, “Thank you!”
This infuriates the CNN reporter. So he once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the guy wearing the Trump hat. As before, this doesn’t seem to bother the Trump guy. He just continues to smile and again yells, “Thank you!”
So the CNN guy again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Trump guy. And again the Trump guy just smiles and yells back, “Thank you!”
At that point the aggravated CNN reporter asks the bartender, “What the hell is the matter with that Trump supporter? I’ve ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him and all the silly ass does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts?”
“Nope,” replies the bartender. “He owns the place.”