I’s been a funny day so far..
First I found a hat full of money. Then I was chased by an angry man with a guitar.
First I found a hat full of money. Then I was chased by an angry man with a guitar.
jocularity
- Thread starter kidoggy
- Start date
It’s a shame nothing is built in the USA anymore. I just bought a T.V. and it said, “Built in Antenna” and to be perfectly honest... I don’t even know where that is!
El Serio
Active Member
- Feb 1, 2018
- 499
- 1,314
A couple has just celebrated their 50th
wedding anniversary.
The woman asks her husband, "What did you think of me when you first met me?"
The husband replies, "I wanted to shag your brains out and suck your tits dry."
The woman then asks, "What do think of me now?"
To which the husband replies, "I think I did a pretty good job."
wedding anniversary.
The woman asks her husband, "What did you think of me when you first met me?"
The husband replies, "I wanted to shag your brains out and suck your tits dry."
The woman then asks, "What do think of me now?"
To which the husband replies, "I think I did a pretty good job."
El Serio
Active Member
- Feb 1, 2018
- 499
- 1,314
My friend said, "Cheer up! It could be worse. You could be in water, like in a hole, you know, underground."
I think he meant well.
I think he meant well.
An old man went to the pharmacist and said...
"Look, I'm having a little trouble performing with my wife. Do they make any pills that can help with that?"
The pharmacist replied, "Sure, that's more common than you may think. In fact I take Viagra myself for the same sort of thing."
The old man asked. "Can you get it over the counter?"
The pharmacist thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, probably if I took 2 or 3 of them at once."
"Look, I'm having a little trouble performing with my wife. Do they make any pills that can help with that?"
The pharmacist replied, "Sure, that's more common than you may think. In fact I take Viagra myself for the same sort of thing."
The old man asked. "Can you get it over the counter?"
The pharmacist thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, probably if I took 2 or 3 of them at once."
A woman goes to her boyfriends' parents' house for Christmas dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!". The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrriiip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!" Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Skippy, get away from her, before she shits on you!"
5 minute management course
Lesson 1: A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. - The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel. " - After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 1: A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. - The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel. " - After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
JimP
Administrator
Years ago I had one of those remote fart machines. We were on our annual trip out to the Utah desert and just after a nice dinner on Saturday night a few of us started to gather at the fire to enjoy a after dinner drink. One of which was a lady who by chance owned two Australian Sheppard's that followed her everywhere. I had placed the machine under her chair and a while after she had sat down one of the dogs crawled under the chair and laid down for a nap. After about 10 or so minutes I hit the button and everyone there heard the fart from the chair. Most didn't say anything but continued on with their conversation. A short while later I hit the button again. The lady this time looked at the dog with disdain and said KC, the dog just looked at her. This time people were starting to look at her. Then I hit the button once more, my buddy sitting next to me was close to hysterics, they lady said that it wasn't her, he said that he had never in his life heard a dog make those kind of sounds. I laid off of it for about half a hour then hit the button a few times in a row. This time everyone was looking at her including the dog. My buddy sitting next to me was now almost rolling around in the dirt. She stood up and walked away from the fire and quickly the dog followed.
I was also starting to laugh and had to let some of the others in on the gag, they all thought that it was fantastic and that it went over quite well. We tried it again by just placing it under a random chair and soon a very straight laced lady was sitting in that chair. Needless to say it didn't go over as well the second time as it did the first.
An old man went to his doctor and was urgent in his need.
“Doctor, you gotta give a double strength viagra.” He pleaded.
The doctor said, “I’m not sure that would be safe for an old man.”
The old man pleaded, “Please, I’m desperate. My girl friend is coming over on Saturday and another gal will be coming over Sunday. I’m hoping to get to be intimate. Don’t you understand?”
The doctor hesitatingly said, “OK, I suppose. But if there’s any problems get to ER immediately. Otherwise come in on Monday and I’ll check you out.”
Monday came around. The old man was waiting for the doctor, his right arm was in a sling and the guy didn’t look very well.
The doctor, startled said, “What happened to you?”
The old man sheepishly replied, “No one showed.”
“Doctor, you gotta give a double strength viagra.” He pleaded.
The doctor said, “I’m not sure that would be safe for an old man.”
The old man pleaded, “Please, I’m desperate. My girl friend is coming over on Saturday and another gal will be coming over Sunday. I’m hoping to get to be intimate. Don’t you understand?”
The doctor hesitatingly said, “OK, I suppose. But if there’s any problems get to ER immediately. Otherwise come in on Monday and I’ll check you out.”
Monday came around. The old man was waiting for the doctor, his right arm was in a sling and the guy didn’t look very well.
The doctor, startled said, “What happened to you?”
The old man sheepishly replied, “No one showed.”
A Michigan State trooper pulled a car over on US 23 about 2 miles north of the Michigan/Indiana State line. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Ft. Wayne , IN to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late. The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him. While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good old boy from Michigan got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, 'You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.'
An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong. "Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Wallace, "My Private Part died today, and I am very sad." Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr.Wallace, please accept my condolences." The following day, Mr Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy. "Mr. Wallace," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas." But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Wallace, " I told you yesterday that my Private Part died." "Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?" "Well, he replied, "Today's the viewing."
The teacher had had about all she could take of Little Johnny for the week. His constant interruptions of class by talking without holding up his hand first and ending every sentence with "How 'bout that?" had her on her last nerve. The teacher was holding an exercise that required more thought. "OK, Class, who discovered America?" Every hand shot up except Little Johnny's. He just shouted out "Christopher Columbus! How 'bout that?" Hands went down and the teacher said " That is correct, Johnny, but you must learn to raise your hand and wait to be called upon...and please stop saying "How 'bout that?" after you speak". "OK class" continued the teacher, "What year did Columbus discover America?" "1492! How 'bout that?" came the answer from Little Johnny's mouth. "Johnny!" "What did I just tell you?" Said the teacher. "You did not raise your hand and you still said "How 'bout that?" at the end! Please, Please try to remember to raise your hand, and stop saying "How 'bout that?" !!! "Now class, who can name the three ships that were with Columbus on that voyage in 1492?" Almost before she could finish her question out blurted little Johnny "The Nina, The Pinta and the Santa Maria! How 'bout that?" "That's it young man...out in the hall!" Johnny got up, crestfallen he slowly walked out the door into the hall, teacher close behind nudging him along. She closed the door to the room and spoke in hushed tones. "Young man, you are very smart and I know that you know the answers to most of my questions, but, you have to learn patience and manners. It's rude to speak in class without holding up your hand and getting permission to speak. And that irritating "How 'bout that?" ...you've could say that when something is very remarkable, but NOT after everything you say." "So what I want you to do is this...stand out here and make up a poem to recite before the class. This will teach you to think and to have patience so you will start holding up your hand before speaking out." "I'll give you 5 minutes then I'll check on you." She then returned to the class. Johnny put his back against the wall and slid down until he was sitting on the floor. Desperately trying to come up with a poem...his thinking part was in action. 5 minutes passed and the door opened. The teacher said " OK, Johnny, let me hear your poem." Johnny stood up and said " As I sat, out in the hall, I watched a cockroach climb up the wall." "OK," said the teacher, "but make one little change for me, please." When you recite the poem for the class please leave the cock part out...it just doesn't sound right." Back into the room they went. Little Johnny standing before the class, next to the teacher's desk in silence. "OK, Johnny" "Recite your poem, please" Johnny looked up at the class and got this enormous grin on his face...and began his recitation. "As I sat, out in the hall, I watched a roach climb up the wall...with his cock out!" "HOW 'BOUT THAT?" The teacher fainted.
El Serio
Active Member
- Feb 1, 2018
- 499
- 1,314
