jocularity

kidoggy

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I've tried to stay out of the political discussion for the most part, and feel that we don't need to make this a political forum. BUT, this was too good to pass up.
In regards to the media; "When a Republican is in the Oval Office, they all want to be Bob Woodward. But, when a Democrat is in the Oval Office, they all want to be Monica Lewinsky."
there is no greater source for jocularity then the political realm. :ROFLMAO:
 
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kidoggy

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WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Democrats' second attempt to impeach Donald Trump has failed once again, resulting in Trump being reinstated as President. Joe Biden must now step down as President and leave the Oval Office immediately.


“That son of a gun has done it again!” muttered Joe Biden to himself as he began to clean out his desk. “I thought we had him the second time for sure. Now I’ve gotta clean out the place right in the middle of nap time!”

Trump’s motorcade was spotted pulling up outside the White House moments after the Senate voted and confirmed his acquittal. Trump was eager to return and wasted no time in getting back to work and reversing all of Biden’s executive orders.

“Your favorite President has returned, everyone! Totally exonerated and better than ever!” announced President Trump before reentering the White House.

At publishing time there was a great cry of all of the libs screaming ‘NOOOOOOO!’ in unison. Sources expect this will continue until Trump’s next impeachment.
https://babylonbee.com/news/impeachm...d-as-president
 

kidoggy

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TAMPA, FL—Sarah Thomas, the first female referee to officiate in a Super Bowl, threw a flag on a play in the second quarter but refused to say what was wrong.


"Penalty, on the offense -- you know what, never mind. It's fine," she said after throwing a flag on the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

"Wait -- what'd I do wrong?" asked Tom Brady indignantly.

"Nothing. I said it was fine," she said, folding her arms.

"It doesn't seem like it's fine. You threw a flag!" Brady responded.

She shrugged and turned away. "No, it's totally fine. Go and play football with your friends. It's fine."

Play proceeded without any consequences, though she glared bitterly at Brady throughout the next few plays.

Meanwhile, the male referees displayed their toxic masculinity by awarding extra yards for players who exhibited unnecessary roughness and also giving them a manly chest bump and a "right on, bro."
 

kidoggy

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"Can I join the army?"

"No, you're 5"
"Can I get drunk?"
"No, you're 5"
"Can I go to the shooting range?"
"No, you're 5"
"Can I drive the car?"
"No, you're 5"
"Can I take hormone therapy and permanently change my body to be more like a boy?"
"Sure, you know best, we'll book the Dr.".
 
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kidoggy

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A man is asked by his colleagues to go bungee-jumping.

He declines saying, "A broken rubber brought me into this world. I'm not letting one take me out of it."
 
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idcwby

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Guess Who

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter systematically pasting "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. The guy's curiosity gets the better of him and he walks up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the guy. The man replies, "I'm a divorce lawyer."
 

kidoggy

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A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate.

He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, officer?"

"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.

"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading a magazine."

Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?"

The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "She's knitting."

"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man.

"I'm nineteen," he replied.

"And how old is she?" asked the officer.

The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen."
 
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kidoggy

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A farmer had a three legged pig and his neighbor asked him why the pig had only three legs.
“Well, I’ll tell you” the farmer replied. “One day I was plowing my field and the tractor turned over and pinned me underneath. That pig ran for help. He saved my life”.
“Oh, that’s how he lost his leg?” the neighbor drawled.
“No. One night my wife and I were sound asleep and the house caught on fire. That pig woke us up. He saved our lives!”
“So that’s how he lost his leg”, stated the neighbor.
“No, that wasn’t it” the farmer affirmed.
Exasperated, the neighbor demanded “Then how did he lose his leg?” and the farmer replied, “When you have a pig that good, you don’t eat him all at once!”
 
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kidoggy

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My wife visited our neighbor's home last week and fell in love with the crown molding they had in their dining room. She said that Clarence (husband of Lois the next door neighbor) had done the job in just one afternoon.

My wife said that it was beautiful and insisted we needed to have crown molding in our dining room too. So, I purchased $875 worth of imported cherry crown molding from a Home Interior Design shop. I bought the 16' lengths to make the purchase and transportation as difficult as possible.

After a series of practice cuts I was able to successfully generate a total of 43 pieces of the most expensive kindling for our fireplace. I decided I should give Clarence a call.

Clarence is a particle physicist. In physics graduate school, rocket science is what the slower students do. The smart ones tackle particle physics and build neutrino observatories. And the really smart ones attempt to figure out the geometry of crown molding.

So during my phone call to Clarence, I asked him about his calculations for the cuts. Clarence told me, "Oh, that's easy. One of the angles is the arctan of the tangent of 45 degrees, divided by the square root of 2."

This is not the sort of thing you want to say to someone who is operating an electric saw. I think Clarence realized I was having a little difficulty following his 'simple' calculations. He said, 'on your miter saw you will see markings for 31.6 degrees and 35.3 degrees and then explained how they relate to the angles to be cut".

I can't thank Clarence enough for saving my sanity, and probably several of my fingers. And, I'd like shake the hand of the designer who knew that those numbers had better be put on miter saws, or there was a real good chance that some home handyman was going to snap, and use the miter saw for evil, instead of good.

So remember my main tips for installing crown molding:

1. Don't do it.
2. Never, ever let your wife visit anybody.
3. Call Clarence for tips 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. He'll even tell you what an arctan is
 

kidoggy

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At my job interview

he asks 'what is your biggest weakness'...?

I told him, 'That would probably be my honesty'.

He says, 'I don't consider honesty as a weakness'.

I naturally respond with, " I don't give a crap what you think?"
 

kidoggy

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This made me laugh

30 Taliban militants killed during bomb-making class in mosque when bomb accidentally explodes

The Afghan army said the blast was so powerful the militants could not be identified from the remains.




survivors are reported to be petitioning to get the 40 virgins changed to 20 virgins and 20 pros.
 

kidoggy

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A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?"
Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."
And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve. And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings. And Adam and Eve learned humility. And they were greatly improved. And God was pleased. And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.
 
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