The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked "Why?".He said "Because you came home early."
jocularity
- Thread starter kidoggy
- Start date
dustin ray
Veteran member
I was walking with my girlfriend when a random guy whistled at her and said, "Nice ass". She was clearly annoyed and demanded I say something.
So I turned around and said, "Thank you I've been doing squats."
So I turned around and said, "Thank you I've been doing squats."
JimP
Administrator
Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.
As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend.
"Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said.
"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.
"How much did this really cost?"
"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."
"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"
Helen answered. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."
Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!"
"Two and a half carats."
As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend.
"Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said.
"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.
"How much did this really cost?"
"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."
"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"
Helen answered. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."
Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!"
"Two and a half carats."
A woman named Jill stood up at her church's Testimony Meeting one Sunday morning, took the microphone from one of the church ushers, and bared her soul to the enrapt congregation:
"I want to tell you about the awful accident that my husband, Jim, has suffered this past month. He was riding his Harley, lost control, ran off the highway and hit a tree. He was rushed to the hospital, and could have died, but thank the Lord, all he suffered was a broken scrotum."
The congregation gasped in horror. The men in the congregation were obviously uneasy and writhed in their seats.
"Jim has been in terrible pain all month since the accident. He has trouble breathing. He has trouble swallowing his food. He can hardly lift anything, he's in so much pain, and he has missed work because of it. He can't lift our children up to hold them and give them the personal love that they need. Worst of all, we can no longer cuddle and have intimate relations. He is in constant pain, a pain so terrible that our love life has all but slipped away into oblivion. I would like to ask you all in the congregation to pray for Jim, and pray for us, that his broken scrotum will soon heal and be as good as new.
A dull murmur erupted within the congregation as the full impact of this terrible accident sank in, and the men in the congregation were visibly shaken up with the thought that, "There but for the grace of God go I."
Then, as the murmuring settled down, a lone figure stood up in midst of the congregation, worked his way up to the pulpit, obviously in pain, adjusted the microphone to his liking, then leaned over and said to the congregation: "My name is Jim, and I have only one word for my wife, Jill. That word is: sternum."
"I want to tell you about the awful accident that my husband, Jim, has suffered this past month. He was riding his Harley, lost control, ran off the highway and hit a tree. He was rushed to the hospital, and could have died, but thank the Lord, all he suffered was a broken scrotum."
The congregation gasped in horror. The men in the congregation were obviously uneasy and writhed in their seats.
"Jim has been in terrible pain all month since the accident. He has trouble breathing. He has trouble swallowing his food. He can hardly lift anything, he's in so much pain, and he has missed work because of it. He can't lift our children up to hold them and give them the personal love that they need. Worst of all, we can no longer cuddle and have intimate relations. He is in constant pain, a pain so terrible that our love life has all but slipped away into oblivion. I would like to ask you all in the congregation to pray for Jim, and pray for us, that his broken scrotum will soon heal and be as good as new.
A dull murmur erupted within the congregation as the full impact of this terrible accident sank in, and the men in the congregation were visibly shaken up with the thought that, "There but for the grace of God go I."
Then, as the murmuring settled down, a lone figure stood up in midst of the congregation, worked his way up to the pulpit, obviously in pain, adjusted the microphone to his liking, then leaned over and said to the congregation: "My name is Jim, and I have only one word for my wife, Jill. That word is: sternum."
3 guys were sitting in a biker bar.
A man came in, already drunk, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. The man looked around and saw the 3 men sitting at a corner table.
He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, looked the biggest one in the face. And said, “I went by your grandma’s house and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is fine!”
The biker looked at him and didn’t say a word. His buddies were confused, because he was a bad ass and would fight at he drop of a hat.
The drunk leaned on the table again. And he said “I got it on with your grandma. And she is good. The best I ever had!”
The biker still said nothing. His buddies were starting to get mad.
The drunk leaned on the table again and said,”I’ll tell you something else boy, your grandma liked it!”
The biker stood up and took the drunk by the shoulder. And said, “Damn it, Grandpa, you’re drunk! Go home!”
A man came in, already drunk, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. The man looked around and saw the 3 men sitting at a corner table.
He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, looked the biggest one in the face. And said, “I went by your grandma’s house and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is fine!”
The biker looked at him and didn’t say a word. His buddies were confused, because he was a bad ass and would fight at he drop of a hat.
The drunk leaned on the table again. And he said “I got it on with your grandma. And she is good. The best I ever had!”
The biker still said nothing. His buddies were starting to get mad.
The drunk leaned on the table again and said,”I’ll tell you something else boy, your grandma liked it!”
The biker stood up and took the drunk by the shoulder. And said, “Damn it, Grandpa, you’re drunk! Go home!”
it sure is an oddity that we now have so many genders in our society, yet only two ever succumb to the 19. scientists should really consider doing a government funded study to see why the others are immune
Bonecollector
Veteran member
The police say they burn all the weed they confiscate. I guess that explains all the doughnuts.
A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle. Well, Mom forgot until the last minute. So she dashed out and could only find a short pink nightie. She bought it and threw it into the suitcase.
After the wedding the bride and groom enter their hotel room. The groom was a little self-conscious so he asked his new bride to change in the bathroom and promise not to peek while he got ready for bed.
While she was in the bathroom, the bride opened her suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in there. She exclaimed, "Oh no! It's short, pink, and wrinkled!"
Then her groom cried out, "I told you not to peek!"
After the wedding the bride and groom enter their hotel room. The groom was a little self-conscious so he asked his new bride to change in the bathroom and promise not to peek while he got ready for bed.
While she was in the bathroom, the bride opened her suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in there. She exclaimed, "Oh no! It's short, pink, and wrinkled!"
Then her groom cried out, "I told you not to peek!"
A man's age, as determined by a trip to Home Depot
You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house --mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room or Whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dust, lawn clippings, Dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit
-- shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from Who-knows-what and an old pair of tennis shoes.
Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize You need to run to Home Depot to get something to help complete the Job.
Depending on your age you might do the following:
In your 20's:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, Brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes.
Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite Cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick While standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the Pretty girl running the register.
In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes.
You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands And comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a Shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl Running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school With.
In your 40's:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to Cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts.
Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on A trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking In then flexing. The hot young thing running the register is your Daughter's' age and you feel weird thinking she is hot.
In your 50's:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat; wipe the dirt off your hands Onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog crap In your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not To wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The Cutie Running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think You ve still got it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Bubba's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms.'
In your 60's:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog crap Off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's.
You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your Pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have Your glasses on so you're not sure.
In your 70's:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store Has your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog crap on Your shoes. The young thing at the register stares at you and you Realize your balls are hanging out the hole in your crotch.
In your 80's:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you Remember you need to go to Home Depot. Go to Wal-Mart instead and Wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out Loud and you think someone called out your name. You went to school With the old lady who greeted you at the front door.
In your 90's & beyond:
What's a home deep hoe? Something for my garden? Where am I? Who am I?
Why am I reading this? Did I send it? Did you? Who farted? -
You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house --mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room or Whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dust, lawn clippings, Dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit
-- shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from Who-knows-what and an old pair of tennis shoes.
Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize You need to run to Home Depot to get something to help complete the Job.
Depending on your age you might do the following:
In your 20's:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, Brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes.
Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite Cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick While standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the Pretty girl running the register.
In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes.
You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands And comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a Shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl Running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school With.
In your 40's:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to Cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts.
Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on A trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking In then flexing. The hot young thing running the register is your Daughter's' age and you feel weird thinking she is hot.
In your 50's:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat; wipe the dirt off your hands Onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog crap In your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not To wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The Cutie Running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think You ve still got it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Bubba's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms.'
In your 60's:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog crap Off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's.
You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your Pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have Your glasses on so you're not sure.
In your 70's:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store Has your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog crap on Your shoes. The young thing at the register stares at you and you Realize your balls are hanging out the hole in your crotch.
In your 80's:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you Remember you need to go to Home Depot. Go to Wal-Mart instead and Wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out Loud and you think someone called out your name. You went to school With the old lady who greeted you at the front door.
In your 90's & beyond:
What's a home deep hoe? Something for my garden? Where am I? Who am I?
Why am I reading this? Did I send it? Did you? Who farted? -
A young kid is walking home from school when a car pulls up alongside him...
The driver says "get in the car".
The kid says "No way!" and keeps walking.
The driver says "Get in the car and I'll give you a candy bar!"
The kid says "No way. A candy bar won't do it."
The driver says "Get in the car and I'll give you a candy bar and twenty bucks!"
The kid says "Look Dad, you bought the Kia, YOU deal with it."
The driver says "get in the car".
The kid says "No way!" and keeps walking.
The driver says "Get in the car and I'll give you a candy bar!"
The kid says "No way. A candy bar won't do it."
The driver says "Get in the car and I'll give you a candy bar and twenty bucks!"
The kid says "Look Dad, you bought the Kia, YOU deal with it."
Husband's and Wife's diaries......
Wife's Diary:
Tonight, I thought Bob was acting weird. We had made plans to
meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.
I was shopping with my friends all day long; and I was a little late
for our "date."
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I thought he was upset at the fact that
I was a bit late; but he made no comment on it.So I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed,but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong;
He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to
worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and
kept driving.
I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I loveyou, too.'
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he
wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there quietly, and watched TV.
He continued to seem distant and absent.Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.
About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.
He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that
his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
Husband's Diary:
Boat wouldn't start, can't figure it out.
Wife's Diary:
Tonight, I thought Bob was acting weird. We had made plans to
meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.
I was shopping with my friends all day long; and I was a little late
for our "date."
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I thought he was upset at the fact that
I was a bit late; but he made no comment on it.So I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed,but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong;
He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to
worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and
kept driving.
I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I loveyou, too.'
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he
wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there quietly, and watched TV.
He continued to seem distant and absent.Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.
About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.
He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that
his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
Husband's Diary:
Boat wouldn't start, can't figure it out.
Two Indians and a Hillbilly...
were walking in the woods. All of a sudden, one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave. " Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! " he called into the cave and then he listened very closely until he heard an answering, " Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! " He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about. Was the other Indian crazy or what? " No, " said the Indian. "
It is our custom during mating season. When Indian men see cave, they holler, " Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! " into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate. "
Just then they saw another cave. The Indian ran up to the opening of the cave, stopped, and hollered, " Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! " Immediately, there was an answering " Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! " from deep inside the cave. He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then he came upon a great big cave.
As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, " Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave! " He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might " Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! " He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation, and then he heard the answering call, " WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO! " With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read..... " NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN ".
were walking in the woods. All of a sudden, one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave. " Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! " he called into the cave and then he listened very closely until he heard an answering, " Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! " He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about. Was the other Indian crazy or what? " No, " said the Indian. "
It is our custom during mating season. When Indian men see cave, they holler, " Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! " into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate. "
Just then they saw another cave. The Indian ran up to the opening of the cave, stopped, and hollered, " Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! " Immediately, there was an answering " Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! " from deep inside the cave. He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then he came upon a great big cave.
As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, " Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave! " He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might " Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! " He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation, and then he heard the answering call, " WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO! " With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read..... " NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN ".
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A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
Abpout 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket!"
After a moment of silence, he farted.
Abpout 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket!"
After a moment of silence, he farted.
El Serio
Active Member
- Feb 1, 2018
- 450
- 1,210
Here is the original intro to The Twilight Zone:
There is a fifth dimension, beyond that which is known to man. It is a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition, and it lies between the pit of man's fears and the summit of his knowledge. This is the dimension of imagination. It is an area which we call The Twilight Zone.
I think it sums up 2020 rather well.
There is a fifth dimension, beyond that which is known to man. It is a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition, and it lies between the pit of man's fears and the summit of his knowledge. This is the dimension of imagination. It is an area which we call The Twilight Zone.
I think it sums up 2020 rather well.