jocularity

[kidoggy]

A boy was walking up the street carrying a jar containing clear liquid when a priest from a nearby church asked, "What do have there son".
The boy replied "The most powerful liquid in the world".
So the priest asks "What might that liquid be?"
The boy answers "Turpentine".
The priest says "Turpentine is strong but I have Holy Water and that's even stronger".
So the boy askes the priest to prove it.
The priest says " If I rub some of the Holy Water on a pregnant women's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby".
And the boy counters with "Yah but if I rub Turpentine on a cat's butthole, it'll pass a motorcycle".

 

[kidoggy]

If you want to find out who loves you more, put your wife and your dog in the trunk of your car for an hour.
Open it and see who is happy to see you.

 

[dirtclod Az.]

Boy complains to his father:you told me to put a potatoe in my swimming trunks!You said it would impress the girls at the pool!But you forgot to mention one thing!Father:really what?Boy:That the potatoe should go in the front!

 

[kidoggy]

Boy complains to his father:you told me to put a potatoe in my swimming trunks!You said it would impress the girls at the pool!But you forgot to mention one thing!Father:really what?Boy:That the potatoe should go in the front!

musta been hoping for mr potatohead.

 

[kidoggy]

Why does the bride always wear white?

Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.

 

[JimP]

 

[Hilltop]

How many of you forgave your enemies?
During Sunday mass, the priest asked the crowd:

-"How many of you forgave your enemies?"

Around 80% of them raised their hands. The priest then asked: "And how many of you intend to forgive your enemies?", and almost everyone's hand was now in the air. Everyone except a feeble, old lady in the front row.

-"Ms. Rogers, don't you intend on forgiving your enemies?"

-"I don't have any!", she replied through a chuckle.

-"Ms. Rogers, that's very unusual, how old are you?"

-"98", she proclaimed.

-"Oh, Ms. Rogers, why don't you come up and share the secret with everyone? How does someone live to be 98 and no enemies?"

She walked up and gave everyone a polite smile before answering: -"I outlived the bitches."

 

[dirtclod Az.]

JimP thats really cool!where do you come up with this stuff?

 

[JimP]

Just find it hanging around on the web

 

[JimP]

 

[dirtclod Az.]

My wife accused me of being immature.I old her to get out of my fort.

 

[nv-hunter]

For the evening laugh

 

[dirtclod Az.]

The other day,my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed a glue stick.She still isn't talking to me.

 

[Hilltop]

An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter . . .
Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin’!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there’s lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there’s no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don’t get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are dead because we’ve been on a ’route march’ - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin’ - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a possum’s bum and it don’t move and it’s not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target! You don’t even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don’t have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it’s not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I’m not a bad boxer either and it looks like I’m the best the platoon’s got, and I’ve only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he’s 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I’m only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin’ wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can’t complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila

 

[kidoggy]

Asked my mexican friend If they had their own version of martial arts in Mexico. He said they did and it is called Mexican Judo. I asked how is it different from other versions of judo. He said judo know if I have a knife, judo know if I have a gun.

 

[JimP]

 

[JimP]

 

[JimP]

 

[Prerylyon]

[emoji44]

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SGH-I337Z using Tapatalk

 

[kidoggy]

An elderly man in Florida had owned a farm for many, many years. It had a large pond in the back that was perfect for swimming, so he fixed it up with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and lime trees. One afternoon the old farmer decided to go down to the pond to look it over, since he hadn't been there for a while, and grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices and laughter. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women from the local college skinny-dipping in his pond. He said “Hi there.” trying not to scare them but make them aware of his presence.

Squealing, they all swam over to the deep end and one of the women yelled at him “We're not coming out of this pond until after you leave.” The old man frowned “I didn't come down here to watch you ladies skinny dip or make you get out of the pond naked.” Then, holding the bucket up, he said “I'm just here to feed the alligator.”

Some dirty old men can still think pretty fast…