jocularity

[kidoggy]

A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door, a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber’s face. The robber shot the customer without a moment’s hesitation.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him.

The robber instantly shot him also. Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.

The robber yelled, ‘Well, did anyone else see my face?’

There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak. Then, one "old cowboy " tentatively raised his hand, and while keeping his head down said, ‘My wife got a pretty good look at you.’

 

[kidoggy]

My chronic diarrhea is giving me insomnia.

I'm really getting tired of this shit.





I once dated a woman with 12 nipples . seems strange dozen tit

 

[kidoggy]

Had to quit my job as a painter

Every time I pick a color now I'm racist.

 

[kidoggy]

The Sneeze
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane..
The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"
"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"
The woman nodded, "Pepper."

 

[kidoggy]

Biden makes his choice for VP. AOC
Gropey/Dopey
…..2020......

 

[kidoggy]

First woman on the moon...

her: "Houston, we have a problem"
Houston: "What?"
her: "Nevermind"
Houston: "What's the problem?"
her: "Nothing"
Houston: "Please tell us"
her: "I'm fine"
Houston:"what's the problem?"
her : "well if you don't know , I am not going to tell you!"

 

[kidoggy]

Free to good home with small re-homing fee.

5-foot long Rattle Snake. Loves to cuddle and watch nature films.

 

[dirtclod Az.]

Free to good home with small re-homing fee.

5-foot long Rattle Snake. Loves to cuddle and watch nature films.

How much of a re-homing fee are you willing to pay??

 

[kidoggy]

How much of a re-homing fee are you willing to pay??

lol whatever it takes. I hate snakes.

 

[dirtclod Az.]

lol whatever it takes. I hate snakes.

I have a friend for him to play with...

 

[kidoggy]

does he like to snuggle?

 

[kidoggy]

A man and his friend were enjoying Deer Hunting Season in rural Arkansas near a blacktop highway.

A huge buck walked by and the hunter carefully drew his bow and took careful aim.

Before he could release his arrow, his friend pointed at a funeral procession passing on the road below their stand. The hunter slowly let off the pressure on his bow, took off his hat, bowed his head and closed his eyes in prayer.

His friend was amazed. "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are the kindest man I have ever known."

The hunter shrugged. "Yeah, well, we were married for 45 years."

 

[kidoggy]

On their honeymoon, the new husband told his bride, "I have a confession to make that I should have made before, but I was concerned that it might affect our relationship.

"What is it?" his new bride asked lovingly.

"I'm a golf fanatic," he said. "I think about golf constantly. I'll be out on the golf course every weekend, every holiday, and every chance I get. If it comes to a choice between your wishes and golf, golf will always win."

His new bride pondered this for a moment and said, "I thank you for your honesty. Now in the same spirit of honesty, I should tell you that I've concealed something about my own past that you should know about. The truth is, "I'm a hooker."

"No problem," said her husband, "just widen your stance a little, and overlap your grip, and that should clear it right up."

 

[kidoggy]

Cracker Jacks is changing It's Name to "CAUCASIAN JACKS"

 

[kidoggy]

I saw a stand-up comic doing jokes about botany. Nobody in the audience laughed except one guy. I looked at him and thought,
"he must be a plant."

 

[kidoggy]

Nancy Pelosi said if she was married to Donald Trump, she would poison his coffee.
Donald said if he was married to Nancy, he'd drink it.

 

[kidoggy]

Little Johnny


One morning, asks his teacher, "Miss Smith, would you punish me for something I didn't do? Especially if you know I didn't do it?"

Ms. Smith: "Of course not! It would be wrong, plus I'd end up getting punished! Why do you ask?"

Johnny: "Because I didn't do my homework!"

 

[kidoggy]

Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decided they needed to spice up their love lives. All three agreed to wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes that evening with their respective lovers. After a few days they meet up for lunch and compared notes.

The engaged woman: "The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my life. I love you.' Then we made love all night long."

The mistress: "Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night."

The married woman: "I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night when my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?'"

 

[ScottR]

This thread makes my Monday every Monday!

 

[JimP]

When You're 70 & a Veteran

I was standing at the bar at the VFW one night minding my own business.
This fat ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said,
"You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
Cost me 6 stitches . . . but when you’re seventy -- who cares?
**********
I went to the drug store and told the clerk "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Lady Clerk: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?”
I said "Nah -- She's pretty good lookin' . . . . . . "
When you’re seventy -- who cares?
***********

I was talking to a young woman in the VFW last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.”
I said, “If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”
Cost me a fat lip, but when you’re seventy -- who cares?
**********

I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.
"Really" she said, "Go on then . . . try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
Cost me a kick in the nuts, but when you’re seventy -- who cares?
*********

I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When you’re seventy -- who cares?