jocularity

kidoggy

kidoggy

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A blonde city girl named Jennifer marries an Idaho rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Jennifer, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'
The rancher leaves for the fields.
After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Jennifer takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Jennifer sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'
The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blonde, asks,
'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?'
'That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently.
Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'
The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, 'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'
 
muleyfool

muleyfool

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kidoggy said:
A blonde city girl named Jennifer marries an Idaho rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Jennifer, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'
The rancher leaves for the fields.
After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Jennifer takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Jennifer sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'
The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blonde, asks,
'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?'
'That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently.
Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'
The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, 'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'
Click to expand...
That is some funny SH.T.
LMFAO:p
 
muleyfool

muleyfool

Member
Jun 7, 2018
112
34
Prosecutor is giving his final aurgument to some redneck jurors in the town courthouse.
He explains " Not only did the accused sexual assaut Mr Smith's sheep, but after he was finished he made the poor animal give him an oral cleaning". One of the toothless jurors turned to the women on his left an wispered " A good sheep will do that for you"!
 
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kidoggy

kidoggy

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A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car in a cloud of feathers.

Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse and rang the doorbell. A farmer appeared. The man somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him."

"Suit yourself," the farmer replied, "the hens are round the back."
 
kidoggy

kidoggy

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The last words my grandma told my grandfather was “Sweetie, I’ll see you in heaven!”

Since then, grandpa has been kicking puppies and setting fire to orphanages.
 
kidoggy

kidoggy

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A man doing market research for Vaseline knocked on a door
and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline." Have you ever used the product?'
She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time,"
The researcher then asks, "And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex."
The researcher was a little taken back. "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"
The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all...My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."
 
kidoggy

kidoggy

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I invited a young homeless man to come live with me and my wife for a while. He took a nice long bath, shaved and I bought a small wardrobe of brand new clothes for him. Then I took him to a hair stylist for finishing touches. He looked quite presentable. He was very personable and seemed quite intelligent.

It wasnt long before I noticed my wife behaving strangely towards him. She seemed flirtatious. I began to suspect my wife had developed romantic feelings toward the man.

I spoke to the man privately and told him of my observations and suspicions. Then I asked him directly if he planned to romance my wife and run off with her.

"Absolutely not" he insisted.

So I kicked him out of the house and Im looking for a new young homeless man to live with us.
 
kidoggy

kidoggy

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A big-city lawyer went duck hunting in Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence to collect the bird, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The lawyer replied, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field. Now I'm going in to retrieve it."

The old farmer looked the lawyer in the eyes and stated firmly, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The lawyer huffed angrily, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the country. If you don't let me get my duck, I'll sue you."

The old farmer smiled. "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Tennessee. We settle small disagreements like this with the Tennessee Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What's the Tennessee Three Kick Rule?"

The Farmer answered, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the lawyer. His first kick to the shin had the lawyer hopping around on one foot when suddenly the farmer planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. The attorney was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to pass out.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot, now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck.
 
kidoggy

kidoggy

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People used to laugh at me when I would say
”I want be a comedian”, well nobody's laughing now...
 
kidoggy

kidoggy

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1. Thoroughly clean the toilet. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

2. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).

3. At this point the cat will self agitate, never mind the noise that comes from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this. Flush the toilet three or four times, this provides a power wash and rinse

4.CAUTION! Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find.

5. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

6. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely, The DOG
 
kidoggy

kidoggy

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not a joke but ya gotta laugh at the absurdity


Scenario :
Johnny and Mark get into a fight after school.
1950s - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends.
2019 - Police called, and they arrest Johnny and Mark & charge them with assault.
Both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Both children go to anger management programs for 3 months.
School governors hold meeting to implement bullying prevention programs.
--------------------------
Scenario :
Robbie won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1950s - Robbie sent to headmaster and given six of the best.
Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2019 - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADHD –
result deemed to be positive.
Robbie's parents get fortnightly disability payments and school gets extra funding from government because Robbie has a disability.
--------------------------
Scenario :
Billy breaks a window in a neighbour's car and his Dad gives him a good hiding
1950s - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2019 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care; joins a gang; ends up in jail.
--------------------------
Scenario :
Mark gets a headache and takes some Aspirin to school.
1950s - Mark gets glass of water from Principal to take aspirin with, Passes exams & becomes a solicitor.
2019 - Police called, car searched for drugs and weapons.
Mark expelled from school for drug taking. Ends up as a drop out.
--------------------------
Scenario :
Johnny takes apart leftover fireworks from Guy Fawkes night, puts them in a paint tin & blows up a wasp's nest.
1950s - Wasps die.
2019 - Police & Anti-Terrorism Squad called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism,
investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated.
Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly in an airplane again.
--------------------------
Scenario :
Johnny falls over while playing football during morning break and scrapes his knee.
He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. She hugs him to comfort him.
1950s - In a couple of minutes, Johnny feels better and goes on playing football. No damage done.
2019 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in prison.
Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy and ends up gay.
 
kidoggy

kidoggy

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Dark Humor

A kid asks his mom “Mom? What is dark Humor?”

She responds: “see that man over there with no arms? Tell him to clap.”

The kid replies: “but mom, I’m blind!”

Mom: “Exactly.”
 
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