jocularity
- Thread starter kidoggy
- Start date
BREAKING NEWS:
A sudden earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale
has hit the Middle East.
Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured.
Iraq, Iran and Syria are totally ruined and the governments don't
know where to start to rebuild.
The rest of the world is in shock and eager to help:
Britain is sending troops to help keep the peace.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil & monetary assistance.
Latin American countries are sending clothing.
New Zealand and Australia are sending sheep, cattle and food crops.
The Asian countries are sending labor to assist in rebuilding the infrastructure.
Canada is sending medical teams and supplies.
President Trump, not to be outdone, is sending back two
million replacement Muslims.
A sudden earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale
has hit the Middle East.
Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured.
Iraq, Iran and Syria are totally ruined and the governments don't
know where to start to rebuild.
The rest of the world is in shock and eager to help:
Britain is sending troops to help keep the peace.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil & monetary assistance.
Latin American countries are sending clothing.
New Zealand and Australia are sending sheep, cattle and food crops.
The Asian countries are sending labor to assist in rebuilding the infrastructure.
Canada is sending medical teams and supplies.
President Trump, not to be outdone, is sending back two
million replacement Muslims.
mustang8
Active Member
muleyfool
Member
- Jun 7, 2018
- 112
- 34
California man is riding his horse following his guide down a dusty fence line in the Wyoming back country. They came upon a sheep that was entangled in some barbwire, the guide said to his client "hold up, I need a minute here". Thinking this is kind of him to help this poor animal. He then was in shock when his guide dropped trouser and had his way with the furry mammal, when finished he zipped up his pants got on his horse as if nothing had happened turned to the hunter and said " you want some of that"?
The hunter replied " I do, but do I have to get all tangled up in the wire"?
The hunter replied " I do, but do I have to get all tangled up in the wire"?
Financial collapse in Japan.............
Origami Bank has folded.
Sumo Bank has gone belly up.
Bonsai Bank has had to cut back some of its branches.
Karaoke Bank has been put up for sale and is going for a song.
There's something fishy going on at Sushi Bank....................shareholders are afraid they might get a raw deal.
Kamikaze Bank shares have nose-dived.
500 jobs at Karate Bank have been chopped.
Origami Bank has folded.
Sumo Bank has gone belly up.
Bonsai Bank has had to cut back some of its branches.
Karaoke Bank has been put up for sale and is going for a song.
There's something fishy going on at Sushi Bank....................shareholders are afraid they might get a raw deal.
Kamikaze Bank shares have nose-dived.
500 jobs at Karate Bank have been chopped.
JimP
Administrator
Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line?
Here's what happened to Bubba:
Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, 'Shingles' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'
Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'
Here's what happened to Bubba:
Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, 'Shingles' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'
Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'
An American WWII soldier visited France. At the airport he was asked for his passport.
"I didn't think I needed it." he said.
The French security guy says, "You always need a passport when you visit France."
"Well, the last time I visited France I didn't need one." the soldier replied.
"Impossible" growled the security guy, "When was the last time you came to France?"
The old soldier says, "The last time I came to France was June 6, 1944, and there wasn't a Frenchman around to show it to."
"I didn't think I needed it." he said.
The French security guy says, "You always need a passport when you visit France."
"Well, the last time I visited France I didn't need one." the soldier replied.
"Impossible" growled the security guy, "When was the last time you came to France?"
The old soldier says, "The last time I came to France was June 6, 1944, and there wasn't a Frenchman around to show it to."
A man and his wife were driving along a road.
The wife says "I know we've been married for five years, but I want a divorce."
The man speeds up slowly.
The wife opens her mouth again. "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, I've been having an affair with your best friend and he's a much better lover than you are."
The man speeds up again, subtly.
This time, the wife lists her demands, "I want the house, I want the kids too, I want the car, the chequing account and all the credits cards as well."
The man speeds up one last time.
The wife faces her husband and asks, "Isn't there anything you want?"
The man looks at his wife and says, "I've got everything I need."
The wife looks puzzled and asks him, "What's that?"
The man turns the car, heading towards a pillar with a large grin on his face and replies with, "I've got the airbag."
The wife says "I know we've been married for five years, but I want a divorce."
The man speeds up slowly.
The wife opens her mouth again. "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, I've been having an affair with your best friend and he's a much better lover than you are."
The man speeds up again, subtly.
This time, the wife lists her demands, "I want the house, I want the kids too, I want the car, the chequing account and all the credits cards as well."
The man speeds up one last time.
The wife faces her husband and asks, "Isn't there anything you want?"
The man looks at his wife and says, "I've got everything I need."
The wife looks puzzled and asks him, "What's that?"
The man turns the car, heading towards a pillar with a large grin on his face and replies with, "I've got the airbag."
JimP
Administrator
JimP
Administrator
A young lady asks her grandfather what he'd like for his 80th birthday. He says that, more than anything else, he'd like to eat at a certain Parisian cafe he remembered fondly.
She makes arrangements, buys plane tickets, reserves a hotel with a view of the Eiffel Tower, etc. She contacts the owner of the cafe, explaining that her grandfather hasn't been to Paris since World War II, and really wants to reminisce at the cafe.
They arrive and everything goes swell. The cafe is just as he remembered. The young waitress is the splitting image of her grandmother. The food is exquisite as is the wine. When it's time to pay the bill, the owner declares that he couldn't possibly charge the old soldier who had served so bravely in the War.
The old man, very grateful, replies, "Vielen Dank f?r das wundervolle Essen."
She makes arrangements, buys plane tickets, reserves a hotel with a view of the Eiffel Tower, etc. She contacts the owner of the cafe, explaining that her grandfather hasn't been to Paris since World War II, and really wants to reminisce at the cafe.
They arrive and everything goes swell. The cafe is just as he remembered. The young waitress is the splitting image of her grandmother. The food is exquisite as is the wine. When it's time to pay the bill, the owner declares that he couldn't possibly charge the old soldier who had served so bravely in the War.
The old man, very grateful, replies, "Vielen Dank f?r das wundervolle Essen."
JimP
Administrator
JimP
Administrator
JimP
Administrator
Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money."
Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Jack took the money.
The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money."
Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Jack took the money.
JimP
Administrator
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, "MALE & FEMALE" procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.
****************************** *
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
(What is really funny is that most of this part is the truth!!!!)
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of check book.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Re-dial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, "MALE & FEMALE" procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.
****************************** *
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
(What is really funny is that most of this part is the truth!!!!)
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of check book.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Re-dial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.