jocularity
- Thread starter kidoggy
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This guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orders a Grape Nehi. Surprised, the bartender looks around and says "You ain't from around here...where you from, boy?"
The guy says, "I'm from West Virginia."
The bartender asks, "What do you do in West Virginia?"
The guy responds,"I'm a taxidermist." The bartender asks, "A taxidermist...what the hell is a taxidermist?"
The guy says "I mount dead animals." The bartender smiles and shouts to the whole bar,
"It's OK boys, he's one of us!"
The guy says, "I'm from West Virginia."
The bartender asks, "What do you do in West Virginia?"
The guy responds,"I'm a taxidermist." The bartender asks, "A taxidermist...what the hell is a taxidermist?"
The guy says "I mount dead animals." The bartender smiles and shouts to the whole bar,
"It's OK boys, he's one of us!"
dirtclod Az.
Veteran member
dirtclod Az.
Veteran member
You are a very sick man...Gotta love It!!
Mounting dead animals! Don't ask don't tell.EVER!
Mounting dead animals! Don't ask don't tell.EVER!
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The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"
The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
"Yes?" replied the teacher.
"Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"
The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
"Yes?" replied the teacher.
"Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
Three sailors are discussing their cargo.
They are used to transporting various goods and make a good living doing so, this time however they've been tasked with taking 400 boxes of penis shaped potatoes across the channel and they all think it's a joke.
"We'll be a laughing stock" says the first sailor.
"I'll never be able to live it down" says the second.
"Let's tell the captain that we've decided not to go" says the third.
Headstrong they head to the captains quarters to voice their displeasure and inform him of their decision.
The captain hears them out but ultimately disagrees and informs them that they'll be going ahead with the journey.
"But we've got you outvoted 3 to 1" the sailors cried in unison.
"You fools" said the captain "you're all forgetting one thing!"
"What's that?" Exclaimed the sailors.
The captain stood tall and addressed them powerfully.
"That this isn't a democracy..."
"It's a dick tater ship!"
They are used to transporting various goods and make a good living doing so, this time however they've been tasked with taking 400 boxes of penis shaped potatoes across the channel and they all think it's a joke.
"We'll be a laughing stock" says the first sailor.
"I'll never be able to live it down" says the second.
"Let's tell the captain that we've decided not to go" says the third.
Headstrong they head to the captains quarters to voice their displeasure and inform him of their decision.
The captain hears them out but ultimately disagrees and informs them that they'll be going ahead with the journey.
"But we've got you outvoted 3 to 1" the sailors cried in unison.
"You fools" said the captain "you're all forgetting one thing!"
"What's that?" Exclaimed the sailors.
The captain stood tall and addressed them powerfully.
"That this isn't a democracy..."
"It's a dick tater ship!"
NE69
Active Member
Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex. "It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Clem recalled.
"That sounds wonderful," said Jed.
"Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."
"Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?"
"Baaaaa..."
"That sounds wonderful," said Jed.
"Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."
"Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?"
"Baaaaa..."
dirtclod Az.
Veteran member
JimP
Administrator
here was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons.
After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. He made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next night, the kids showed up and they saw the sign which read, "Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."
The kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the farmer's sign. When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no watermelons were missing, but the sign next to his read, "Now there are two!"
After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. He made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next night, the kids showed up and they saw the sign which read, "Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."
The kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the farmer's sign. When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no watermelons were missing, but the sign next to his read, "Now there are two!"
My wife has three places in the backyard she feeds birds. Every day, she goes out and pours a cup of birdseed in each station. Every day, squirrels come and eat most of it. The cardinals get their share, but most birds get nothing.
And my wife is happy with this. She likes feeding the squirrels and watching them play as much as the birds. OK, fine honey. But everyday, there are more squirrels. It used to be just two. Then five. Now there are too many to count accurately, but say twelve. Swell, it doesn't cost that much to feed them and it makes her happy to know she'd feeding hungry animals.
Well, until today when she went to her garden and Every. Single. One. of her tomatoes was trashed. "Something got into my tomatoes!!!" I reckon it was all the squirrels you attracted to the property with all the free food. ....silence......dawning realization......
Welcome to the GOP, honey.
And my wife is happy with this. She likes feeding the squirrels and watching them play as much as the birds. OK, fine honey. But everyday, there are more squirrels. It used to be just two. Then five. Now there are too many to count accurately, but say twelve. Swell, it doesn't cost that much to feed them and it makes her happy to know she'd feeding hungry animals.
Well, until today when she went to her garden and Every. Single. One. of her tomatoes was trashed. "Something got into my tomatoes!!!" I reckon it was all the squirrels you attracted to the property with all the free food. ....silence......dawning realization......
Welcome to the GOP, honey.
dirtclod Az.
Veteran member
JimP
Administrator
While a man was dying, his wife was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.
Her praying woke him from his slumber. He looked up, and his pale lips began to move slightly.
"My darling," he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk.
"He was insistent. "I have something that I must confess," he said in a tired voice.
"There isn't anything to confess," replied his weeping wife. "Everything's ok. Go to sleep.
"The man blurted out: "No, no, I must die in peace. I...I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," whispered his wife, "that's why I poisoned you."
Her praying woke him from his slumber. He looked up, and his pale lips began to move slightly.
"My darling," he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk.
"He was insistent. "I have something that I must confess," he said in a tired voice.
"There isn't anything to confess," replied his weeping wife. "Everything's ok. Go to sleep.
"The man blurted out: "No, no, I must die in peace. I...I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," whispered his wife, "that's why I poisoned you."
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "I think my friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence; then a gun shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "I think my friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence; then a gun shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"
JimP
Administrator