jocularity
- Thread starter kidoggy
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dirtclod Az.
Veteran member
A team of archaeologists were working in Jerusalem when they found a slab of rock with five figures carved on it.
In order the figures were:
A Woman. 2) A Donkey. 3) A Shovel. 4) A Fish. 5) A Star of David.
After months of studying the rock and figures on it, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were several thousands of years old but even so they revealed a lot about the people of that time.
The woman being placed first in the line of figures indicated that women were held in very high esteem. It was most likely a family oriented culture.
The donkey indicated they had domesticated animals. They probably used the donkey to till the fields.
The shovel shows they were highly intelligent as they knew how to make tools.
The fish shows they knew how to augment the crops they raised by also reaping from the sea.
The Star of David of course indicates they were a very religious group of people.
A little old man in the front row finally got the attention of the speaker. When acknowledged he said "I'm sorry to harm your conclusions, but you were reading it left to right. In Hebrew we read from right to left. That way it reads:
"Holy mackerel dig the ass on that woman!"
In order the figures were:
A Woman. 2) A Donkey. 3) A Shovel. 4) A Fish. 5) A Star of David.
After months of studying the rock and figures on it, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were several thousands of years old but even so they revealed a lot about the people of that time.
The woman being placed first in the line of figures indicated that women were held in very high esteem. It was most likely a family oriented culture.
The donkey indicated they had domesticated animals. They probably used the donkey to till the fields.
The shovel shows they were highly intelligent as they knew how to make tools.
The fish shows they knew how to augment the crops they raised by also reaping from the sea.
The Star of David of course indicates they were a very religious group of people.
A little old man in the front row finally got the attention of the speaker. When acknowledged he said "I'm sorry to harm your conclusions, but you were reading it left to right. In Hebrew we read from right to left. That way it reads:
"Holy mackerel dig the ass on that woman!"
JimP
Administrator
dirtclod Az.
Veteran member
dirtclod Az.
Veteran member
Fink
Veteran member
Redneck Vasectomy
After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor/veterinarian and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." "Trust me," said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.
et werked. aye ain got know more cids.
that is won smart dawcter!
After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor/veterinarian and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." "Trust me," said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.
et werked. aye ain got know more cids.
that is won smart dawcter!
Last edited:
JimP
Administrator
JimP
Administrator
Two doctors were talking about....
sanitary problems at a latex glove factory in Mexico. "Workers stick their hands in melted latex and then dip their hands in a vat of cooling water to solidify the latex. The glove is then thrown in a finished products box." His colleagues are disgusted by the lack of care taken in keeping the gloves sanitary.
"That's not all," says the doctor. "You don't even want to know how they make their condoms!"
sanitary problems at a latex glove factory in Mexico. "Workers stick their hands in melted latex and then dip their hands in a vat of cooling water to solidify the latex. The glove is then thrown in a finished products box." His colleagues are disgusted by the lack of care taken in keeping the gloves sanitary.
"That's not all," says the doctor. "You don't even want to know how they make their condoms!"
JimP
Administrator
Two boys are arguing when the teacher enters the classroom. The teacher says, “What are you two arguing about?”
One boy answers, “We found a ten-dollar bill and decided whoever tells the biggest lie gets to keep it.”
“You two should be ashamed of yourselves,” said the teacher. “When I was your age, I didn’t even know what a lie was.”
The boys looked at each other and handed the ten dollars to the teacher.
One boy answers, “We found a ten-dollar bill and decided whoever tells the biggest lie gets to keep it.”
“You two should be ashamed of yourselves,” said the teacher. “When I was your age, I didn’t even know what a lie was.”
The boys looked at each other and handed the ten dollars to the teacher.
A group of country friends from the Cottonwood Baptist Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games.
The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.
When it came time for Paul and Joyce to be the hosts, Joyce wanted to outdo all the others.
Joyce decided to have mushroom-smothered steak since it was Paul’s favorite meal. But, mushrooms are expensive. She then told Paul, “No mushrooms. They are too pricey.”
Paui said, “Why don’t you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed.”
Joyce said, “No, some wild mushrooms are poison.”
Paul said, “Well, I see varmints eating them and they’re OK.”
So Joyce decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak.
Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol’ Spot (the yard dog) a double handful. Ol’ Spot ate every bite.
All morning long, Joyce watched Ol’ Spot and the wild mushrooms didn’t seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.
The meal was a great success, and Joyce even hired a young teenage girl from town to help her serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head.
After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played cards and dominoes.
About then, the young teenager from town came in and whispered in Joyce’s ear.
She said, “Ma’am, Ol’ Spot just died.”
Joyce went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.
The doctor said, “That’s bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. We’ll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone’s stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm.”
Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.
One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema and pumped out their stomach. After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, “I think everything will be fine now, and he left.”
They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this time, the young girl came in and said, “You know, that fellow that ran over Ol’ Spot never even stopped.”
The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.
When it came time for Paul and Joyce to be the hosts, Joyce wanted to outdo all the others.
Joyce decided to have mushroom-smothered steak since it was Paul’s favorite meal. But, mushrooms are expensive. She then told Paul, “No mushrooms. They are too pricey.”
Paui said, “Why don’t you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed.”
Joyce said, “No, some wild mushrooms are poison.”
Paul said, “Well, I see varmints eating them and they’re OK.”
So Joyce decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak.
Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol’ Spot (the yard dog) a double handful. Ol’ Spot ate every bite.
All morning long, Joyce watched Ol’ Spot and the wild mushrooms didn’t seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.
The meal was a great success, and Joyce even hired a young teenage girl from town to help her serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head.
After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played cards and dominoes.
About then, the young teenager from town came in and whispered in Joyce’s ear.
She said, “Ma’am, Ol’ Spot just died.”
Joyce went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.
The doctor said, “That’s bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. We’ll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone’s stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm.”
Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.
One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema and pumped out their stomach. After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, “I think everything will be fine now, and he left.”
They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this time, the young girl came in and said, “You know, that fellow that ran over Ol’ Spot never even stopped.”