jocularity
- Thread starter kidoggy
- Start date
RICMIC
Veteran member
A thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money.
The man started sobbing and said, 'You can take anything you want. You can kill me also. But please untie the rope and free her.’
Thief: 'You must really love your wife!’ Man: 'Not particularly but she will be home shortly.'
The man started sobbing and said, 'You can take anything you want. You can kill me also. But please untie the rope and free her.’
Thief: 'You must really love your wife!’ Man: 'Not particularly but she will be home shortly.'
dirtclod Az.
Veteran member
dustin ray
Veteran member
Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced, “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!” The bartender inquired, “What makes you say that?”
“Last week,” Bill explained, “I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman or mailman came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms and hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”
“Last week,” Bill explained, “I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman or mailman came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms and hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”
Bonecollector
Veteran member
sorry man. I feel yer pain.This one really hits home as I am Bill and my wife's name is Suzanne....
JimP
Administrator
my moms the winner!!!!
Four Catholic ladies were having coffee...The first catholic woman tells her friends "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'.
The second catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third catholic crone says "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he's called 'Your Eminence'".
Since the fourth catholic woman sips her coffee calmly, and says "My son is 6'4", he's loaded with dough,...got broad square shoulders... terribly handsome... dresses very well... tight muscular body... tight hard buns... and a very nice bulge... and whenever he walks into a room... women gasp, 'Oh, my God...'."
Four Catholic ladies were having coffee...The first catholic woman tells her friends "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'.
The second catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third catholic crone says "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he's called 'Your Eminence'".
Since the fourth catholic woman sips her coffee calmly, and says "My son is 6'4", he's loaded with dough,...got broad square shoulders... terribly handsome... dresses very well... tight muscular body... tight hard buns... and a very nice bulge... and whenever he walks into a room... women gasp, 'Oh, my God...'."
JimP
Administrator
Definitions of "OLD"
#1
I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair.
She turned to me and asked, "Are you having it catered?"
And that, my friend, is the sad definition of "OLD".
#2
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the elderly widow & asked,
"How old was your husband?"
"98," she replied: "Two years older than me"
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"
#3
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing
About being 104?" the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
#4
I've sure gotten old! I have outlived my feet & my teeth
I've had 2 bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer & diabetes
I'm half blind,
Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, & subject to blackouts.
Have bouts w/ dementia.
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands & feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.
#5
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
So I got my doctor's permission to
Join a fitness club & start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up & down, & perspired for an hour. But,
By the time I got my leotards on,
The class was over.
#6
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will & told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, & second,
She wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
"Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed.
"Why Wal-Mart?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week"
#7
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be..
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
#8
Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
#9
It's scary when you start making the same noises
As your coffee maker.
#10
These days about half the stuff
In my shopping cart says,
'For fast relief.'
#11
THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, &
The eyesight to tell the difference.
#1
I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair.
She turned to me and asked, "Are you having it catered?"
And that, my friend, is the sad definition of "OLD".
#2
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the elderly widow & asked,
"How old was your husband?"
"98," she replied: "Two years older than me"
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"
#3
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing
About being 104?" the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
#4
I've sure gotten old! I have outlived my feet & my teeth
I've had 2 bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer & diabetes
I'm half blind,
Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, & subject to blackouts.
Have bouts w/ dementia.
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands & feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.
#5
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
So I got my doctor's permission to
Join a fitness club & start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up & down, & perspired for an hour. But,
By the time I got my leotards on,
The class was over.
#6
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will & told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, & second,
She wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
"Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed.
"Why Wal-Mart?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week"
#7
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be..
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
#8
Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
#9
It's scary when you start making the same noises
As your coffee maker.
#10
These days about half the stuff
In my shopping cart says,
'For fast relief.'
#11
THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, &
The eyesight to tell the difference.
A 60 year old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception.
His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one of them asks him how did he land such a hot 23 year old beauty?
“Simple,” grins the millionaire, “I faked my age."
His friends are really amazed and ask him how much he said.
"Well", he replied. "I said I was 97!"
His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one of them asks him how did he land such a hot 23 year old beauty?
“Simple,” grins the millionaire, “I faked my age."
His friends are really amazed and ask him how much he said.
"Well", he replied. "I said I was 97!"