jocularity
- Thread starter kidoggy
- Start date
I asked my wife: "What will you do if I die before you?"
She thought for a minute before replying: "I will probably look to share a house with three other single or widowed women, maybe a little younger than me since I am still active for my age." What about you? What will you do if I die first?"
I said: "Probably the same."
She thought for a minute before replying: "I will probably look to share a house with three other single or widowed women, maybe a little younger than me since I am still active for my age." What about you? What will you do if I die first?"
I said: "Probably the same."
A frog goes to a fortune teller to find out if he will ever find his one true love.
The fortune teller reads his palm and tells the frog, "I have good news and I have bad news. Which one would you like to hear first?"
The frog answers, "Let me hear the good news first."
The fortune teller says, "You are going to meet the most beautiful girl, who is going to be very interested in you and will want to know all about you. She will want you to open up for her and you will give her your heart."
"That great!" says the frog. "So what's the bad news?"
"Well, you're going to meet her in Biology class."
The fortune teller reads his palm and tells the frog, "I have good news and I have bad news. Which one would you like to hear first?"
The frog answers, "Let me hear the good news first."
The fortune teller says, "You are going to meet the most beautiful girl, who is going to be very interested in you and will want to know all about you. She will want you to open up for her and you will give her your heart."
"That great!" says the frog. "So what's the bad news?"
"Well, you're going to meet her in Biology class."
A woman gets cheated by her husband.
Devastated, she doesn't know how to continue to live her life. She hears that there's a very wise monk who lives up in a mountain, and decides to go there to consult him.
After few days of traveling, walking, climbing, she reaches the top and meets the wise monk. "I have spent my whole life with him, my youth was dedicated to support him, take care of him. And now he has left me for a young woman. My life is stolen, and I'm left with nothing. I don't know what to do".
The monk gives her a cookie and asks her to eat it. After she finishes eating, he asks: "Was the cookie delicious?" "Yes"- she answers. "Do you want another one?" "Sure, please". The monk looks her in the eye and says "Do you see the problem now?"
The woman thinks for a while, and then slowly speaks. "I guess human nature is greedy. You got one, then you want more, maybe a new one, bigger one. It's never enough. And nothing lasts forever, everything is impermanence. We should be aware and not disappointed by that".
The monk shakes his head. "No, I mean you are too fat, you should eat less."
Devastated, she doesn't know how to continue to live her life. She hears that there's a very wise monk who lives up in a mountain, and decides to go there to consult him.
After few days of traveling, walking, climbing, she reaches the top and meets the wise monk. "I have spent my whole life with him, my youth was dedicated to support him, take care of him. And now he has left me for a young woman. My life is stolen, and I'm left with nothing. I don't know what to do".
The monk gives her a cookie and asks her to eat it. After she finishes eating, he asks: "Was the cookie delicious?" "Yes"- she answers. "Do you want another one?" "Sure, please". The monk looks her in the eye and says "Do you see the problem now?"
The woman thinks for a while, and then slowly speaks. "I guess human nature is greedy. You got one, then you want more, maybe a new one, bigger one. It's never enough. And nothing lasts forever, everything is impermanence. We should be aware and not disappointed by that".
The monk shakes his head. "No, I mean you are too fat, you should eat less."
JimP
Administrator
New
Frank's Scrotum
The best story of the year doesn't give the proper praise and credit for this painful but understandable story as told by a loving wife........
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for an answered prayer. Suzie stood and walked to the podium.
She said, "I have some praise. Two months ago, my husband, Frank, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Frank must have experienced.
"Frank was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Frank's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place with metal staples."
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Frank.
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Frank is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Frank." The entire congregation held its breath.
"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum.
Frank's Scrotum
The best story of the year doesn't give the proper praise and credit for this painful but understandable story as told by a loving wife........
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for an answered prayer. Suzie stood and walked to the podium.
She said, "I have some praise. Two months ago, my husband, Frank, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Frank must have experienced.
"Frank was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Frank's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place with metal staples."
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Frank.
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Frank is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Frank." The entire congregation held its breath.
"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum.
Hillbilly Father
takes his 16-year-old daughter to a doctor.
Doctor says. "What seems to be the problem?"
"Give this girl some of them birth control pills," says the hillbilly dad.
"She's only 16, is she sexually active?" asks the doc.
"Nah, she just lays there like her mama."
takes his 16-year-old daughter to a doctor.
Doctor says. "What seems to be the problem?"
"Give this girl some of them birth control pills," says the hillbilly dad.
"She's only 16, is she sexually active?" asks the doc.
"Nah, she just lays there like her mama."
Bonecollector
Veteran member
JimP
Administrator
JimP
Administrator
Bonecollector
Veteran member
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth,
sits down, but says nothing. The priest coughs a few times to get his
attention but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the priest
pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin', there's no paper on this side either!"
sits down, but says nothing. The priest coughs a few times to get his
attention but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the priest
pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin', there's no paper on this side either!"
Doctor tells guy he has a brain tumor and won't survive the night.
Guy goes home and gives his wife the bad news. Wife says, "Oh my god, I'm so sorry! How would you like to spend your last night alive?"
Guy says, "I want to make love with you before I die." They have sex, and it's the best they've ever had.
Two hours later, guy says, "I want to make love with you again before I die." They have sex again, and it's even better.
Two hours later, guy says, "I want to make love one more time before I die." Wife, annoyed, says, "Look, some of us have to get up in the morning."
Guy goes home and gives his wife the bad news. Wife says, "Oh my god, I'm so sorry! How would you like to spend your last night alive?"
Guy says, "I want to make love with you before I die." They have sex, and it's the best they've ever had.
Two hours later, guy says, "I want to make love with you again before I die." They have sex again, and it's even better.
Two hours later, guy says, "I want to make love one more time before I die." Wife, annoyed, says, "Look, some of us have to get up in the morning."
A man bought a lie detector robot. Every time the robot detects a lie, it slaps the liar. He decided to test it at dinner on his son, who he suspected of often lying to him.
DAD: Son where were you today during school hours?
SON: At school (robot slaps son) ouch! Okay okay, I went to the movies!
DAD: Which one?
SON: Harry Potter (robot slaps son again). Ow! Okay, jeez - I was watching porn, okay?
DAD: What? When I was your age I didn’t even know what porn was! (robot slaps Dad)
MOM: laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The Robot slaps the mother...
DAD: Son where were you today during school hours?
SON: At school (robot slaps son) ouch! Okay okay, I went to the movies!
DAD: Which one?
SON: Harry Potter (robot slaps son again). Ow! Okay, jeez - I was watching porn, okay?
DAD: What? When I was your age I didn’t even know what porn was! (robot slaps Dad)
MOM: laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The Robot slaps the mother...
JimP
Administrator
A little girl leaning into a lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. A biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings the girl to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and bravest thing I've seen a man do in my whole life
The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.'
The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page. So, what do you do for a living, and what political affiliation do you have?
'The biker replies "I'm a U.S. Marine, a Republican and I voted for Trump".
The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads on the front page:
** U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT & STEALS HIS LUNCH. **
And THAT pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these day's.
Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings the girl to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and bravest thing I've seen a man do in my whole life
The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.'
The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page. So, what do you do for a living, and what political affiliation do you have?
'The biker replies "I'm a U.S. Marine, a Republican and I voted for Trump".
The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads on the front page:
** U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT & STEALS HIS LUNCH. **
And THAT pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these day's.
A tourist in Hawaii is amazed at how healthy and invigorated he feels after just a few days into visiting the islands. He strikes up a conversation with one of the locals while they are wading out into the crystal clear, warm surf on yet another perfect island day. "I just cant get over how beautiful this place is," the tourist says excitedly, "I feel great! I haven't felt this young and healthy in years! Island life is fantastic!" The local says, "I know what you mean! Take me for instance. When I came here I was totally bald, didn't have any teeth and I couldn't even walk...and look at me now!" The tourist looks at him and says, "Wow, that's amazing! How long have you been here?" And the local says, "Oh, I was born here.