jocularity
- Thread starter kidoggy
- Start date
Ten (10) Things I know about you.
1) You are reading this.
2) You are human.
3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.
4) You just attempted to do it.
6) You are laughing at yourself.
7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.
8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.
9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it too.
10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.
You have received this e-mail because I didn't want to be alone in the idiot category.
1) You are reading this.
2) You are human.
3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.
4) You just attempted to do it.
6) You are laughing at yourself.
7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.
8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.
9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it too.
10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.
You have received this e-mail because I didn't want to be alone in the idiot category.
Fttpow
New Member
Sam and John were out cutting wood when John cut his arm off. Sam remained calm, wrapped the arm in a plastic bag, and took the arm and John to a surgeon. “You are in luck,” said the surgeon. “I am an expert in re-attaching limbs. Come back in four hours when I have completed the operation.”
So Sam returned in four hours and the surgeon said, “I did it faster than I expected. Jon is down at the pub.” Sam rushed down to the pub and was amazed to see John playing darts.
A few weeks later, Sam and John were cutting wood again when John accidentally cut off his leg. Sam put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and John back to the same surgeon. “Legs are harder,” said the surgeon, “but I’ll see what I can do – come back in six hours.”
Sam returned in six hours and the surgeon said, “I finished early – John’s playing football.” Sam went to the field and to his surprise found John kicking 50 yard field goals
.
A few weeks later, Sam and John were cutting wood again, when John accidentally cut off his own head. Sam put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of John to the surgeon, confident that the skilful surgeon would do the job.
“Gee, heads are really difficult to re-attach,” the surgeon muttered, “but I’ll see what I can do – come back in 12 hours.”
Sam returned in 12 hours. “How did it go, Doc?” he asked. “I’m sorry. John died,” the surgeon replied.
“He suffocated in the plastic bag, you idiot!!”
So Sam returned in four hours and the surgeon said, “I did it faster than I expected. Jon is down at the pub.” Sam rushed down to the pub and was amazed to see John playing darts.
A few weeks later, Sam and John were cutting wood again when John accidentally cut off his leg. Sam put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and John back to the same surgeon. “Legs are harder,” said the surgeon, “but I’ll see what I can do – come back in six hours.”
Sam returned in six hours and the surgeon said, “I finished early – John’s playing football.” Sam went to the field and to his surprise found John kicking 50 yard field goals
.
A few weeks later, Sam and John were cutting wood again, when John accidentally cut off his own head. Sam put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of John to the surgeon, confident that the skilful surgeon would do the job.
“Gee, heads are really difficult to re-attach,” the surgeon muttered, “but I’ll see what I can do – come back in 12 hours.”
Sam returned in 12 hours. “How did it go, Doc?” he asked. “I’m sorry. John died,” the surgeon replied.
“He suffocated in the plastic bag, you idiot!!”
Fttpow
New Member
A gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic. So she found out from her local tech college what was involved, signed up for evening classes and attended diligently, learning all she could.
When time for the practical exam approached, she prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, she was surprised to find that she had obtained a mark of 150%.
Fearing an error, she called the instructor, saying “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting.”
The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it THROUGH the exhaust…”
When time for the practical exam approached, she prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, she was surprised to find that she had obtained a mark of 150%.
Fearing an error, she called the instructor, saying “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting.”
The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it THROUGH the exhaust…”
A blond comes home to her mother crying..
What's the matter honey?
My husband has dandruff.
And that makes you sad?
No I'm crying because he said he needs some Head and Shoulders.
So, what's the problem?
I don't know how to give Shoulders.
What's the matter honey?
My husband has dandruff.
And that makes you sad?
No I'm crying because he said he needs some Head and Shoulders.
So, what's the problem?
I don't know how to give Shoulders.
Fttpow
New Member
Norman comes home utterly drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely angry.
“Where the hell have you been all night?” she demands.
“At this unbelievable new bar,” Norman says. “The Silver Night Bar. Everything there is silver. It’s got huge silver doors, a silver floor, the works – even the urinal’s silver!”
The wife still doesn’t believe her husband’s story, and the next day checks the internet, finding a place across town called The Silver Night Bar. She calls up the place to check her husband’s story.
“Is this The Silver Night Bar?” she asks when the barman answers the phone.
“Yes it is,” barman answers.
“Do you have huge silver doors?”
“Sure do.”
“Do you have silver floors?”
“Most certainly do.”
“What about silver urinals?”
There’s a long pause, then the woman hears the barman yelling, “Hey, Steve, I think I got a lead on the guy that peed in your saxophone last night!”
“Where the hell have you been all night?” she demands.
“At this unbelievable new bar,” Norman says. “The Silver Night Bar. Everything there is silver. It’s got huge silver doors, a silver floor, the works – even the urinal’s silver!”
The wife still doesn’t believe her husband’s story, and the next day checks the internet, finding a place across town called The Silver Night Bar. She calls up the place to check her husband’s story.
“Is this The Silver Night Bar?” she asks when the barman answers the phone.
“Yes it is,” barman answers.
“Do you have huge silver doors?”
“Sure do.”
“Do you have silver floors?”
“Most certainly do.”
“What about silver urinals?”
There’s a long pause, then the woman hears the barman yelling, “Hey, Steve, I think I got a lead on the guy that peed in your saxophone last night!”
An attractive woman from New York was driving
through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and
offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final, “Yahoo!” and rode off.
“What did you do to get that Indian so excited?” asked the service station attendant.
“Nothing,” shrugged the woman, “I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn’t fall off.”
“Lady,” the attendant said, “Indians ride bareback…”
through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and
offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final, “Yahoo!” and rode off.
“What did you do to get that Indian so excited?” asked the service station attendant.
“Nothing,” shrugged the woman, “I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn’t fall off.”
“Lady,” the attendant said, “Indians ride bareback…”
Little Tommy has a way of saying the wrong thing
at the wrong time.
His Mom says, " We are going to see Aunt Sue's new baby boy. He was born without ears so don't you say a thing about it."
They get to Aunt Sue's and everyone is saying what a handsome, strong, healthy baby his is.
Then Tommy asks, " how's his eye sight." Aunt Sue says, it's great."
Tommy says, "Well that's good, he sure wouldn't be wearing any glasses!"
at the wrong time.
His Mom says, " We are going to see Aunt Sue's new baby boy. He was born without ears so don't you say a thing about it."
They get to Aunt Sue's and everyone is saying what a handsome, strong, healthy baby his is.
Then Tommy asks, " how's his eye sight." Aunt Sue says, it's great."
Tommy says, "Well that's good, he sure wouldn't be wearing any glasses!"
A big shot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital.
He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She walked into his room and announced, “I have to take your temperature.”
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
“No, I’m sorry, the nurse stated, “but for this reading, I can’t use an oral thermometer.”
This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, “I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!”
She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing. After almost an hour, the man’s doctor comes into the room.
“What’s going on here?” asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, “What’s the matter, Doc? Haven’t you ever seen someone having their temperature taken before?”
After a pause, the doctor replies, “Yes, but never with a daffodil!”
He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She walked into his room and announced, “I have to take your temperature.”
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
“No, I’m sorry, the nurse stated, “but for this reading, I can’t use an oral thermometer.”
This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, “I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!”
She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing. After almost an hour, the man’s doctor comes into the room.
“What’s going on here?” asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, “What’s the matter, Doc? Haven’t you ever seen someone having their temperature taken before?”
After a pause, the doctor replies, “Yes, but never with a daffodil!”
Fttpow
New Member
Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, “Martha, I’d like to ride in that there airplane.”
And every year Martha would say, “I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.”
One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, “Martha, I’m 71 years old. If I don’t ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance.”
Martha replied, “Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.”
The pilot overheard them and said, “Folks, I’ll make you a deal, I’ll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won’t charge you, but if you say one word it’s ten dollars.”
Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, “By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn’t.”
Stumpy replied, “Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars.”
And every year Martha would say, “I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.”
One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, “Martha, I’m 71 years old. If I don’t ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance.”
Martha replied, “Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.”
The pilot overheard them and said, “Folks, I’ll make you a deal, I’ll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won’t charge you, but if you say one word it’s ten dollars.”
Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, “By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn’t.”
Stumpy replied, “Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars.”
dustin ray
Veteran member
Exercises for Seniors -
1) Begin by standing on a comfortable, flat surface, where you have plenty of room to each side. With a 5lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them for as long as you can. Try to hold for a full minute and then relax.
2) Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position just a little longer.
3) After a couple of weeks, move up to a 10lb potato bag.
4) Next, try a 15lb potato bag and eventually try getting to the stage where you can lift a 25lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms out for more than a full minute.
5) When you feel confident at that level, try putting a potato in each of the bags.
1) Begin by standing on a comfortable, flat surface, where you have plenty of room to each side. With a 5lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them for as long as you can. Try to hold for a full minute and then relax.
2) Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position just a little longer.
3) After a couple of weeks, move up to a 10lb potato bag.
4) Next, try a 15lb potato bag and eventually try getting to the stage where you can lift a 25lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms out for more than a full minute.
5) When you feel confident at that level, try putting a potato in each of the bags.
Prerylyon
Veteran member
OMG!! That right there is dang funny!! [emoji38]
Sent from my SAMSUNG-SGH-I337Z using Tapatalk
