jocularity

[Fttpow]

A CEO (member of Fortune 500) throwing a party takes his executives on a tour of his spectacular mansion. In the back of the property, the CEO has the largest swimming pool any of them has ever seen. The huge pool, however, is filled with hungry crocodiles. The CEO says to his executives “I think an executive should be measured by bravery. Bravery is what made me a CEO. So this is my challenge to each of you: if anyone is enough brave to dive into the pool, swim through those alligators, and make it to the other side, I will give that man everything they desire. My job, money, house anything!” Everyone laughs at the outrageous offer and proceeds to follow the CEO on the tour of the estate. Abruptly, they hear a loud splash. Everyone turns around and sees the CAO (Chief Administrative Officer) in the pool, swimming for his life. He dodges the crocodiles left and right and makes it to the edge of the pool with seconds to spare. He pulls himself out just as a giant crocodile snaps at his shoes. The flabbergasted CEO approaches the CAO and says, “You are incredible. I’ve never seen anything like it in my life. You are brave beyond measure and anything I own is yours. Tell me what I can do for you.”

The CAO, panting for breath, looks up and says, “You can tell me who the hell pushed me in the pool!!”

 

[kidoggy]

My masseuse asked if I wanted a "Happy Ending"

I said "SURE" and whipped off my towel.

She pointed, laughed, and left.

 

[Fttpow]

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, “Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.” The grandfather replies, “I’ll bet you five dollars you can’t. It’s too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole.”

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says,

“Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars.”

The grandfather replies, “I know. That’s from your grandma.”

 

[kidoggy]

One day at confession...

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!"

 

[Fttpow]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he’s drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone’s amazement, somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says “No, what?” “He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!”

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy. “He eats everything in sight. Sorry. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.” He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he’s in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.

“Did you see what your monkey did now?” he asks.

“No, what?” replies the guy. “Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!” said the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy. ” He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first…”

 

[kidoggy]

What do you call Stephen Hawking on fire?

Hot wheels.



WHY DID STEPHAN DO ONE LINERS?
because he couldn't do stand up.


R.I.P.

 

[kidoggy]

Little Johnny's father asks him if he knows about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" Little Johnny says, bursting into tears. Confused, his father asks what's wrong. "Oh, Dad," Little Johnny sobs, "first, there was no Santa Claus, then no Easter Bunny, and finally, no Tooth Fairy. If you're about to tell me that grownups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to believe in."

 

[Fttpow]

It was George the Mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge.

“All this was just too wonderful for words,” he said, “But what’s the dollar for?”

“Well,” she said, “Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.

He said, “Screw him. Give him a dollar.” The breakfast was my idea.”

 

[dirtclod Az.]

Fttpow thanks. Beer out the nose!

 

[kidoggy]

o old guys were sitting in the park talking,

when the subject turned to getting older. The first guy said, “Women have all the luck when it comes to getting older.”

“What do you mean?” asked the second guy.

“Well,” replied the first, “I can barely remember the last time I got aroused in bed, but my wife is healthier than ever!”

“Healthier? How is that?” his buddy wondered.

“Years ago, when we were younger, almost every night before bed she’d get these terrible headaches,” he answered. “Now that we’re older, she hasn’t had a headache in years."

 

[kidoggy]

Two guys show up in Heaven at the same time. The first guy says he froze to death, and the second guy tells him that he died of a heart attack.

"How did that happen?" asks the first guy.

"Well, I came home and thought I heard my wife with another man. But when I searched the house, I couldn't find anybody. I was so stricken with remorse for wrongly accusing my wife of infidelity, I had a heart attack and died on the spot."

"Geez," says the first guy. "If you'd opened the fridge, we'd both be alive right now."

 

[kidoggy]

This man had cancer in his leg and had to have it amputated.

The doctors had the ex-ray reversed and amputated the wrong leg. When the mistake was found they had to amputate the other leg.

He tried to sue the hospital but the judge threw it out. Said the man didn't have a leg to stand on.

 

[Bonecollector]

That really shouldn't be funny but I chuckled

 

[kidoggy]

lol.


it's kinda like looking at a woman with three breasts, you know you shouldn't stare , but just can't resist a peek.


least they didn't take his boyz.


once knew a dude that had both removed and replaced with steel balls .
he clacked when he walked and was so dubbed ,"the music man."

 

[JimP]

Ten Fun Facts:



1 You can't see your ears without a mirror.

2 You can't count your hair.

3 You can't breath through your nose with your tongue out.

4 You just tried number 3

6 When you tried number 3 you realized that it is possible, only you look like a dog.

7 You are smiling right now because you were fooled.

8 You skipped number 5.

9 You just checked to see if there was a number 5.

10 Share this with your friends so that they can have some fun too

 

[kidoggy]

Ten Fun Facts:



1 You can't see your ears without a mirror.
I can , I made a necklace of them.
2 You can't count your hair.
I can , I am bald.
3 You can't breath through your nose with your tongue out.
can do that too.
4 You just tried number 3
lol. got me
6 When you tried number 3 you realized that it is possible, only you look like a dog.
tru dat![/COLOR]
7 You are smiling right now because you were fooled.
yup!
8 You skipped number 5.
??????????????
9 You just checked to see if there was a number 5.
got me agin [/COLOR]
10 Share this with your friends so that they can have some fun too

will do..........

 

[JimP]

TheLast Harley Ride


While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.


Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"


As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for...

"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

"That's nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!

"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess."

 

[kidoggy]

Thiis zebra was crossing the road and was hit by

a bus.

It went to heaven and St. Peter said "There's been a mistake. Zebras don't come here. I'll have to ask God what to do."

The zebra said "Being black and white I have always wondered if God is black or white."

St. Peter said "God is surrounded by light so I can't see Him but I will ask Him

Later, St. Peter returned and said "God is white."

The zebra asked "God said so?"

"No", replied St. Peter, He said "I am that I am."

"And what would He have said if He was black?", asked the zebra

St. Peter replied "I is what I is.".

 

[kidoggy]

A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company. There's plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing alright, but after a few months he gets lonely. The pig starts to look more and more attractive, soft, pink flesh, round buttocks. But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg. Very frustrating. One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious. He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back health. Finally she is well enough to walk and she says to him "Thank you, thank you for saving my life. I don't know how I can ever repay you. I'll do anything for you, anything, just name it." The guy thinks for a minute and says, "Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?"

 

[kidoggy]

Putin recently won the election with about 77 percent of the vote... Over the next few weeks Russia will see a 23 percent population decrease.

the other day ,I was buying beer at the grocery store . the checkout girl looked at me and asked,"got any i d?"
so I said ," bout what?"
coarse she didn't get it.