jocularity
- Thread starter kidoggy
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Fttpow
New Member
At Heathrow airport in England, a 300-foot red carpet was stretched out to Air Force One and President Trump strode to a warm but dignified hand shake from Queen Elizabeth II. They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge of Central London where they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white horses.
As they rode towards Buckingham Palace, each looking to their side and waving to thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all was going well. This was indeed a glorious display of pageantry and dignity. Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse let rip the most horrendous, earth-shattering, eye-smarting blast of flatulence, and the coach immediately filled with noxious fumes.
Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries did their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decided that was a most ridiculous manner with which to handle a most embarrassing situation. She turned to Mr. Trump and explained, “Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I’m sure you understand that there are some things even a Queen cannot control.”
The Donald, ever the gentleman, replied, “Your Majesty, please don’t give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn’t said something I would have assumed it was one of the horses.”
As they rode towards Buckingham Palace, each looking to their side and waving to thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all was going well. This was indeed a glorious display of pageantry and dignity. Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse let rip the most horrendous, earth-shattering, eye-smarting blast of flatulence, and the coach immediately filled with noxious fumes.
Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries did their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decided that was a most ridiculous manner with which to handle a most embarrassing situation. She turned to Mr. Trump and explained, “Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I’m sure you understand that there are some things even a Queen cannot control.”
The Donald, ever the gentleman, replied, “Your Majesty, please don’t give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn’t said something I would have assumed it was one of the horses.”
no wonder it's called "hazard" county
A Television crew goes to Hazard Kentucky to interview someone born and raised there. They find an 77 year old man who never left Hazard sitting on a porch and started asking him questions. Sir; "What is the most exciting thing that ever happened in Hazard?" Old Man; "That would be the time that little girl got lost in the woods. Me and nine of my buddies searched and searched for her, we found her, all had sex with her and returned her to her family safely." The T.V. crew looks at each other and know that can't use that and ask another question. "What is the second most exciting thing?" Old Man; "That would be the time that little sheep got lost in the woods. Me and nine of my buddies searched and searched for her, found her, we all had sex with her and returned her to her family safely." The crew says "Holy feces batman" we can't use that either. So lets change the topic." "What is the worst thing that ever happened to you in Hazard?" Old Man; " Well, that would be the time I got lost in the woods."
A Television crew goes to Hazard Kentucky to interview someone born and raised there. They find an 77 year old man who never left Hazard sitting on a porch and started asking him questions. Sir; "What is the most exciting thing that ever happened in Hazard?" Old Man; "That would be the time that little girl got lost in the woods. Me and nine of my buddies searched and searched for her, we found her, all had sex with her and returned her to her family safely." The T.V. crew looks at each other and know that can't use that and ask another question. "What is the second most exciting thing?" Old Man; "That would be the time that little sheep got lost in the woods. Me and nine of my buddies searched and searched for her, found her, we all had sex with her and returned her to her family safely." The crew says "Holy feces batman" we can't use that either. So lets change the topic." "What is the worst thing that ever happened to you in Hazard?" Old Man; " Well, that would be the time I got lost in the woods."
Fttpow
New Member
Today is a very sad, sad day. A good friend of mine, after 7 years of medical school and training has been fired for one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. He's still paying on his school loans. This just shows how one minor mistake can ruin your life. Thoughts to him and his family. He really is a great guy and a good veterinarian.
I was hunting and came to a clearing in the woods
There, lying in the grass sunning herself, was a beautiful woman, totally naked!
So I asked her, "You game?"
She smiled seductively at me and held out her arms, "Why yesssss", she cooed.
So I shot her.
There, lying in the grass sunning herself, was a beautiful woman, totally naked!
So I asked her, "You game?"
She smiled seductively at me and held out her arms, "Why yesssss", she cooed.
So I shot her.
Fttpow
New Member
There once was Gary who was raising three daughters on his own. Gary was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered their late teens the girls dated, and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date. This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, Gary would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young boy knew who was boss.
The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the guy said, “Hi, my name’s Joe, I’m here for Flo. We’re going to the show, is she ready to go?” The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.
The next lad came and said, “My name’s Eddie, I’m here for Betty, we’re gonna get some spaghetti, is she ready?” Gary felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went.
The final young boy arrived and Gary opened the door. The boy started off, “Hi, my name’s Chuck, I am he–…” and Boom! Gary shot him.
The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the guy said, “Hi, my name’s Joe, I’m here for Flo. We’re going to the show, is she ready to go?” The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.
The next lad came and said, “My name’s Eddie, I’m here for Betty, we’re gonna get some spaghetti, is she ready?” Gary felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went.
The final young boy arrived and Gary opened the door. The boy started off, “Hi, my name’s Chuck, I am he–…” and Boom! Gary shot him.
Bonecollector
Veteran member
bet that sucked ,chuck shoulda ducked.
does this help? have no idea what daughters name might have been
Bonecollector
Veteran member
LoL. I checked this thread after my run so brain was not functioning and missed the rhyming scheme.
Fttpow
New Member
Kidoggy, Bonecollector and Colorado Cowboy were sitting on a park bench one day.
Bonecollector says, "Man, I think being 60 is a terrible age. I always have to take a leak, but when I go I barely get anything to come out."
Kidoggy says, "Yeah, I know what you mean, but I think 70 is the worst age. I'm not regular at all. I can sit on the toilet for hours and can't get any relief."
Colorado Cowboy says, "I think 80 is the worst age. I take a leak every morning at 6:00 and have a bowel movement every morning at 6:30, just like clockwork."
Kidoggy says, "Wow! I'd love to everything working like it's supposed to. Why do you think 80 is the worst age?"
Colorado Cowboy replies, "Cause I don't get up til 7:00!"
Bonecollector says, "Man, I think being 60 is a terrible age. I always have to take a leak, but when I go I barely get anything to come out."
Kidoggy says, "Yeah, I know what you mean, but I think 70 is the worst age. I'm not regular at all. I can sit on the toilet for hours and can't get any relief."
Colorado Cowboy says, "I think 80 is the worst age. I take a leak every morning at 6:00 and have a bowel movement every morning at 6:30, just like clockwork."
Kidoggy says, "Wow! I'd love to everything working like it's supposed to. Why do you think 80 is the worst age?"
Colorado Cowboy replies, "Cause I don't get up til 7:00!"
Bonecollector
Veteran member
Bonecollector
Veteran member
chiefgobbler
Active Member
Late Season Goose Hunters Beware,
A Game Warden came upon a goose hunter who had bagged three geese and decided to "enforce the laws pending." He stopped the hunter, flashed his badge and said, "looks like you had a good hunt, mind if I check your take"
The Warden took one of the geese and inserted his finger in the goose's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it and said "this is a Washington State goose, do you have a Washington State hunting license?" The hunter took out his wallet and calmly showed him his Washington State license. The Warden took the second goose , inserted his finger into the goose's rectum, sniffed it, and said "this is an Oregon State goose, do you have an Oregon State hunting license?" The hunter a bit put out, produced an Oregon State license. The Warden took the third goose, conducted the same finger test and said, "this is a California State goose, do you have a California State license?" The pissed hunter pulls out his California State license. The Warden a little miffed at having struck out, handed the geese back to the hunter and said, "You've got all of these licenses, just where the hell are you from?" The hunter dropped his pants, bent over and said, "you're so smart, YOU tell me!"
A Game Warden came upon a goose hunter who had bagged three geese and decided to "enforce the laws pending." He stopped the hunter, flashed his badge and said, "looks like you had a good hunt, mind if I check your take"
The Warden took one of the geese and inserted his finger in the goose's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it and said "this is a Washington State goose, do you have a Washington State hunting license?" The hunter took out his wallet and calmly showed him his Washington State license. The Warden took the second goose , inserted his finger into the goose's rectum, sniffed it, and said "this is an Oregon State goose, do you have an Oregon State hunting license?" The hunter a bit put out, produced an Oregon State license. The Warden took the third goose, conducted the same finger test and said, "this is a California State goose, do you have a California State license?" The pissed hunter pulls out his California State license. The Warden a little miffed at having struck out, handed the geese back to the hunter and said, "You've got all of these licenses, just where the hell are you from?" The hunter dropped his pants, bent over and said, "you're so smart, YOU tell me!"
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Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters had promised their Uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.
Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the two blondes kept their promise. They set off from Clearwater Beach with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.
After a while Bubbles says, 'Do you think we're out far enough, Barbie?' Barbie slipped over the side, and finding the water only knee deep said, 'nope, not yet Bubbles'. So they row a little farther.... Again Bubbles asks Barbie, 'Do you think were out fare nough now? Once again Barbie slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No, this will never do, the water is only up to my chest.'
So on they row and row and row, and finally Barbie slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Bubbles is really getting worried when suddenly Barbie breaks the surface gasping for breath. 'Well is it deep enough yet,Sis?'
'Yes, finally. Hand me the shovel.'
Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the two blondes kept their promise. They set off from Clearwater Beach with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.
After a while Bubbles says, 'Do you think we're out far enough, Barbie?' Barbie slipped over the side, and finding the water only knee deep said, 'nope, not yet Bubbles'. So they row a little farther.... Again Bubbles asks Barbie, 'Do you think were out fare nough now? Once again Barbie slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No, this will never do, the water is only up to my chest.'
So on they row and row and row, and finally Barbie slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Bubbles is really getting worried when suddenly Barbie breaks the surface gasping for breath. 'Well is it deep enough yet,Sis?'
'Yes, finally. Hand me the shovel.'
chiefgobbler
Active Member
So I showed up to work with a black eye Monday morning and of course my coworkers wanted to know what happened. I said " my wife finally talked me into going to church with her on Sunday morning. When we all stood to sing the first hymn I noticed the Lady standing in front of me had her skirt wedged into her behind. So, I reached up and pulled it out for her. She slugged me in the eye."The following Monday I showed up for work and the other eye was also black. What happened they all asked? Luck would have it we sat behind the same lady in Church yesterday, when she stood up to sing and I noticed her skirt was not wedged in her rear end, so I pushed it in the way she liked it the week before. She slugged me again!"