jocularity
- Thread starter kidoggy
- Start date
The story is told of a Mexican bandit who robbed a Texas bank of $250,000 and escaped across the river. A month went by and the bandit thought he was safe. He was celebrating his good fortune at a local cantina, when a Texas Ranger walked up and dragged him out into the dusty street. After he realized he had a communication problem, the ranger poked his head back into the bar: "Anybody here speak English?" he shouted.
"I do, senor" came the reply.
Then commere" the ranger ordered. The conversation between ranger, translator and bandit started. "Did he rob the bank?" "He did." "Does he still have the $250,000?" "Yes," again. Then the ranger pulled out his Colt .45, held the barrel of the gun to the bandit's head and cocked the trigger. "Make sure he understands this next question real good." the ranger told the translator. "WHERE'S THE MONEY?"
In Spanish the frightened bandit blurted out that the money was hidden in a waterproof bag at the bottom of the well in the town plaza. The translator looked up at the ranger: "He says he is not afraid to die, Gringo!"
"I do, senor" came the reply.
Then commere" the ranger ordered. The conversation between ranger, translator and bandit started. "Did he rob the bank?" "He did." "Does he still have the $250,000?" "Yes," again. Then the ranger pulled out his Colt .45, held the barrel of the gun to the bandit's head and cocked the trigger. "Make sure he understands this next question real good." the ranger told the translator. "WHERE'S THE MONEY?"
In Spanish the frightened bandit blurted out that the money was hidden in a waterproof bag at the bottom of the well in the town plaza. The translator looked up at the ranger: "He says he is not afraid to die, Gringo!"
Fttpow
New Member
Two guys were out hunting when they found an old abandoned well. They couldn't tell how deep it was so one found a stone and dropped it in. They both leaned over to hear and finally heard a distant plunk. Still unsure how deep it was they found a bigger stone and dropped it in. Again they leaned over and listened until they heard a splash. Wanting to find something even bigger, they looked around until they found an old transmission laying in the weeds. They both dragged the transmission to the well and heaved it over the side. As they leaned over to hear, one of them noticed a ram charging at them from behind. They both jumped out of the way just as the ram missed them and dove head-first into the well. Soon they came across the landowner out looking over his land. "Have you guys seen anything of a ram out here?" The hunters said "Yes. He tried to butt us." The farmer said "No, it couldn't have been my ram. He was tied up to an old transmission."
Two carpenters, John and Dave, were working and John, up on a scaffold accidently cut off his ear.
He yelled down to Dave…”Hey! look out for my ear I just cut off!”
In a little bit Dave calls up to John, ” is this your ear?”
John looks down and says “Naw! Mine had a pencil behind it!”
He yelled down to Dave…”Hey! look out for my ear I just cut off!”
In a little bit Dave calls up to John, ” is this your ear?”
John looks down and says “Naw! Mine had a pencil behind it!”
An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction
site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian
guy, "you're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he says, "you're in
charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy. "You're in charge of
supplies."
He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys
to make a dent in that there pile of sand. So the foreman goes away for a
couple hours. When he returns, he sees the pile of sand is still
untouched. He says to the scotsman, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The
Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I no getta broom. You tella the
Chinesea guy he inna charge ofa supplies, but he disappear and I could no
find him!"
Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and asks "Didn't I tell you to
shovel?" The Scotsman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, ye did lad, but I
couldna get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinee in charge of supplies, but
I couldna find him!"
The foreman is really angry now, and storms off toward the pile of sand,
looking for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from
behind the pile of sand and yells "SUPPLIES!"
site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian
guy, "you're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he says, "you're in
charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy. "You're in charge of
supplies."
He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys
to make a dent in that there pile of sand. So the foreman goes away for a
couple hours. When he returns, he sees the pile of sand is still
untouched. He says to the scotsman, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The
Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I no getta broom. You tella the
Chinesea guy he inna charge ofa supplies, but he disappear and I could no
find him!"
Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and asks "Didn't I tell you to
shovel?" The Scotsman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, ye did lad, but I
couldna get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinee in charge of supplies, but
I couldna find him!"
The foreman is really angry now, and storms off toward the pile of sand,
looking for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from
behind the pile of sand and yells "SUPPLIES!"
Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around at Home Depot when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little worried."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?
The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?"
The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours.
The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little worried."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?
The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?"
The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours.
Ben and Joe, two avid golfers, were on the third hole of their regular Wednesday afternoon round and were behind a twosome of women that were playing awfully slow. Ben finally said he’d go up and ask the women if they could play through. He walked halfway up to them, stopped, turned around, and went back to the tee box. Joe asked what was up. Ben said “I can’t ask them because one them is my wife and the other is my mistress”.
At the next tee box Joe said he’d had enough and he’d go ask to play through. He got halfway up to them, stopped, turned around, walked back, and said to Ben “Small world, isn’t it?”
At the next tee box Joe said he’d had enough and he’d go ask to play through. He got halfway up to them, stopped, turned around, walked back, and said to Ben “Small world, isn’t it?”
One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her. "My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you,but to grant you anything you wish," said God.
"Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy. I am a bride of Christ. I am doing what I love. I lack for nothing material since the Church supports me. I am content in all ways," said the nun.
"There must be something you would have of me," said God.
"Well, there is one thing," she said.
"Just name it," said God.
"It's those blonde jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blonde jokes to stop."
"Consider it done," said God. "Blonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But surely there is something that I could do just for you."
"There is one thing. But it's really small, and not worth your time," said the nun.
"Name it. Please," said God.
"It's the M&M's," said the nun. "They're so hard to peel."
"Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy. I am a bride of Christ. I am doing what I love. I lack for nothing material since the Church supports me. I am content in all ways," said the nun.
"There must be something you would have of me," said God.
"Well, there is one thing," she said.
"Just name it," said God.
"It's those blonde jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blonde jokes to stop."
"Consider it done," said God. "Blonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But surely there is something that I could do just for you."
"There is one thing. But it's really small, and not worth your time," said the nun.
"Name it. Please," said God.
"It's the M&M's," said the nun. "They're so hard to peel."
A large company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new CEO.
The new boss was determined to demonstrate his decision making ability and wanted to immediately take action to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, 'How much money do you make a week?'
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, 'I make $300 a week. Why?'
The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, 'Here's four weeks' pay, now GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE and don't come back.'
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, 'Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?'
From across the room came a voice, 'Yeah, he's the delivery guy from Domino's Pizza.
The new boss was determined to demonstrate his decision making ability and wanted to immediately take action to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, 'How much money do you make a week?'
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, 'I make $300 a week. Why?'
The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, 'Here's four weeks' pay, now GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE and don't come back.'
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, 'Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?'
From across the room came a voice, 'Yeah, he's the delivery guy from Domino's Pizza.
This thread is kind of a morning pick me up, watching for Kidoggy's stand up routine every day...
This 85 year old couple, having been
married almost 60
years, had died in a car crash. They had been in
good health the last ten
years mainly due to her interest in health
food, and exercise.
When they reached the pearly gates, St.
Peter took them to their
mansion which was decked out with a beautiful
kitchen and master bath suite
and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and
aahed" the old man asked Peter how
much all this was going to cost.
"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."
Next they
went out back to survey the championship golf course that the
home
backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each
week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf
courses on earth.
The old man asked, "what are the green fees?".
Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."
Next
they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with
r
the cuisine's of the world laid out.
"How much to eat?"
asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it
is free!" Peter
replied with some exasperation.
"Well,
where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man
asked
timidly.
Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as
much as you
like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you
never get sick.
This is Heaven."
With that the old man went
into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat
and stomping on it, and
shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried
to calm him down,
asking him what was wrong.
The old man looked at his wife and
said, "This is all your fault. If
it weren't for your blasted bran
muffins, I could have been here ten
years ago!"
married almost 60
years, had died in a car crash. They had been in
good health the last ten
years mainly due to her interest in health
food, and exercise.
When they reached the pearly gates, St.
Peter took them to their
mansion which was decked out with a beautiful
kitchen and master bath suite
and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and
aahed" the old man asked Peter how
much all this was going to cost.
"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."
Next they
went out back to survey the championship golf course that the
home
backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each
week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf
courses on earth.
The old man asked, "what are the green fees?".
Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."
Next
they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with
r
the cuisine's of the world laid out.
"How much to eat?"
asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it
is free!" Peter
replied with some exasperation.
"Well,
where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man
asked
timidly.
Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as
much as you
like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you
never get sick.
This is Heaven."
With that the old man went
into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat
and stomping on it, and
shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried
to calm him down,
asking him what was wrong.
The old man looked at his wife and
said, "This is all your fault. If
it weren't for your blasted bran
muffins, I could have been here ten
years ago!"
Fttpow
New Member
One night as Bob was in his bed, he died in his sleep. When he got to the Pearly Gates he pleaded with St. Pete that he wasn't ready to die and would do anything to go back to earth and be alive. St. Pete allowed him to go back to earth but only as a chicken in a hen house. Poof! Bob awoke as a chicken surrounded by other chickens in a hen house.
A big rooster approached Bob. "You're new here aren't you?"
Bob, "Yes I just arrived."
Rooster. "Well if you're gonna stay in this hen house you'll have to earn your keep and lay an egg."
Bob, "How do I do that?"
Rooster, "How should I know? Go talk to some of the hens. But, if you don't lay an egg soon, you're out of here."
Bob found some hens and asked them how they laid their eggs and what he had to do.
Hen, "Just do what comes natural. Just strain yourself a little. With a little effort you'll lay an egg in no time."
Bob went over to an empty nest and sat on it. He strained a little and nothing happened. He strained some more and felt some movement. He really put some effort into it until his face turned red and with great effort, laid his first egg. Oh my gosh, that was great! Bob was so proud of himself that he laid an egg and could now stay in the hen house. He thought that if laying one egg felt so good that he'd see if he couldn't impress the rooster and lay another. Bob tried. He pushed. He strained. He strained again until his face got red and he gave a loud groan.
Suddenly Bob felt himself getting slapped and brought back to his senses.
It was Bob's wife, "Bob! BOB! Wake up, you're crapping in the bed!"
A big rooster approached Bob. "You're new here aren't you?"
Bob, "Yes I just arrived."
Rooster. "Well if you're gonna stay in this hen house you'll have to earn your keep and lay an egg."
Bob, "How do I do that?"
Rooster, "How should I know? Go talk to some of the hens. But, if you don't lay an egg soon, you're out of here."
Bob found some hens and asked them how they laid their eggs and what he had to do.
Hen, "Just do what comes natural. Just strain yourself a little. With a little effort you'll lay an egg in no time."
Bob went over to an empty nest and sat on it. He strained a little and nothing happened. He strained some more and felt some movement. He really put some effort into it until his face turned red and with great effort, laid his first egg. Oh my gosh, that was great! Bob was so proud of himself that he laid an egg and could now stay in the hen house. He thought that if laying one egg felt so good that he'd see if he couldn't impress the rooster and lay another. Bob tried. He pushed. He strained. He strained again until his face got red and he gave a loud groan.
Suddenly Bob felt himself getting slapped and brought back to his senses.
It was Bob's wife, "Bob! BOB! Wake up, you're crapping in the bed!"
Fttpow
New Member
I rode my bicycle to the liquor store the other day for a bottle of Scotch. I put it in the basket for the ride home. I then thought that if I fell off my bike, I might break the bottle, so I drank it all before continuing. It's a good thing I did. I fell off my bike 7 times on the way home.
I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body. Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you love someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.
Money talks ... but all mine ever says is good-bye.
You're not fat, you're just easier to see.
If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out?"
I can't understand why women are OK that JC Penny has an older women's clothing line named, "Sag Harbor."
My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.
My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I'm worried about the 175 pounds I've gained since then.
Denny's has a slogan, "If it's your birthday, the meal is on us." If you're in Denny's and it's your birthday, your life sucks!
The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I'm pretty sure she's going to get me something.
The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can go in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
Money can't buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!
The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you. When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body. Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts. Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y? America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you love someone? That's your common sense leaving your body. Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish? My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that. Money talks ... but all mine ever says is good-bye. You're not fat, you're just easier to see. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments. I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out?" I can't understand why women are OK that JC Penny has an older women's clothing line named, "Sag Harbor." My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me. My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I'm worried about the 175 pounds I've gained since then. Denny's has a slogan, "If it's your birthday, the meal is on us." If you're in Denny's and it's your birthday, your life sucks! The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I'm pretty sure she's going to get me something. The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can go in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.Money can't buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch! The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.probly risky in todays PC era but nothing ventured ...
pick-up line
What's the only pick-up line guaranteed to work every time?
Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
wife- do these pants make my posterior look big?
husband - no but your posterior makes those pants look small!!
pick-up line
What's the only pick-up line guaranteed to work every time?
Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
wife- do these pants make my posterior look big?
husband - no but your posterior makes those pants look small!!
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put your hand over your mouth."
Johnny: "What, and get bitten?"
Teacher: "Can you name an animal that lives in Iceland?"
Johnny: "A reindeer."
Teacher: "Very good. Can you name another animal?"
Johnny: "Another reindeer."
Teacher: "Where's the English Channel?"
Johnny: "I don't know. My TV doesn't pick it up."
Teacher: "What's a comet?"
Johnny: "A star with a tail."
Teacher: "Very good. Can you name one?"
Johnny: "Mickey Mouse."
Johnny: "I can't go to school today. I don't feel well."
Dad: "Where don't you feel well?"
Johnny: "In school."
Johnny: "What, and get bitten?"
Teacher: "Can you name an animal that lives in Iceland?"
Johnny: "A reindeer."
Teacher: "Very good. Can you name another animal?"
Johnny: "Another reindeer."
Teacher: "Where's the English Channel?"
Johnny: "I don't know. My TV doesn't pick it up."
Teacher: "What's a comet?"
Johnny: "A star with a tail."
Teacher: "Very good. Can you name one?"
Johnny: "Mickey Mouse."
Johnny: "I can't go to school today. I don't feel well."
Dad: "Where don't you feel well?"
Johnny: "In school."
