jocularity
- Thread starter kidoggy
- Start date
Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit. A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over. The cop says to the man, ?Are you aware of how fast you were going??
The man replies, ?Yes I am. I?m trying to escape a robbery I got involved in.?
The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, ?Were you the one being robbed??
The man casually replies, ?No, I committed the robbery.?
The cop looks shocked that the man admitted this. ?So you?re telling me you were speeding?AND committed a robbery??
?Yes,? the man calmly says. ?I have the loot in the back.?
The cop begins to get angry. ?Sir, I?m afraid you have to come with me.? The cop reaches in the window to subdue the man.
?Don?t do that!? the man yells fearfully. ?I?m scared you will find the gun in my glove compartment!? The cop pulls his hand out. ?Wait here,? he says.
The cop calls for backup. Soon cops, cars, and helicopters are flooding the area. The man is cuffed quickly and taken towards a car. However, before he gets in, a cop walks up to him and says, while gesturing to the cop that pulled him over, ?Sir, this officer informed us that you had committed a robbery, had stolen loot in the trunk of your car, and had a loaded gun in your glove compartment. However, we found none of these things in your car.?
The man replies, ?Yeah, and I bet that liar said I was speeding too!?
The man replies, ?Yes I am. I?m trying to escape a robbery I got involved in.?
The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, ?Were you the one being robbed??
The man casually replies, ?No, I committed the robbery.?
The cop looks shocked that the man admitted this. ?So you?re telling me you were speeding?AND committed a robbery??
?Yes,? the man calmly says. ?I have the loot in the back.?
The cop begins to get angry. ?Sir, I?m afraid you have to come with me.? The cop reaches in the window to subdue the man.
?Don?t do that!? the man yells fearfully. ?I?m scared you will find the gun in my glove compartment!? The cop pulls his hand out. ?Wait here,? he says.
The cop calls for backup. Soon cops, cars, and helicopters are flooding the area. The man is cuffed quickly and taken towards a car. However, before he gets in, a cop walks up to him and says, while gesturing to the cop that pulled him over, ?Sir, this officer informed us that you had committed a robbery, had stolen loot in the trunk of your car, and had a loaded gun in your glove compartment. However, we found none of these things in your car.?
The man replies, ?Yeah, and I bet that liar said I was speeding too!?
A farmer, a mechanic; a priest and a school teacher went deer hunting together. A huge 10 point buck jumped up and attempted to run and all four hunters shot and the buck fell dead.
After arguing for awhile as to who actually killed the deer they decided to ask the local game warden to make the decision.
Only seconds passed and the game warden declares the priest was the one that killed the deer. How do you know that they all asked. Simple said the game warden the bullet went in one ear and out the other.
After arguing for awhile as to who actually killed the deer they decided to ask the local game warden to make the decision.
Only seconds passed and the game warden declares the priest was the one that killed the deer. How do you know that they all asked. Simple said the game warden the bullet went in one ear and out the other.
QuazyQuinton
Active Member
Hmm...having been a school teacher, I would have assumed that to be evidence that the school teacher shot the deer.
a guy picking up his kids at school sees another kid and says loudly "god, what an ugly kid!"
The person standing next to him says "he's my son..."
The guy, pretty embarassed, replies "oh man, I'm sorry, I didn't know you were his father"
"I'm his mom..."
The person standing next to him says "he's my son..."
The guy, pretty embarassed, replies "oh man, I'm sorry, I didn't know you were his father"
"I'm his mom..."
In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"
A woman called her husband during the day and asked him to pick up some organic vegetables for that night's dinner on his way home. The husband arrived at the store and began to search all over for organic vegetables before finally asking the produce guy where they were. The produce guy didn't know what he was talking about, so the husband said: "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with poisonous chemicals?" To which the produce guy replied, "No, sir, you will have to do that yourself."
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range. "Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me." So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
Fttpow
New Member
How Canada got it's name.
One cold winter night long ago there were some French trappers sitting around the fire trying to stay warm. They looked around at the surrounding scenery and decided they needed to come up with a name for this new land. They decided to put all the letters of the alphabet in a hat and whatever they drew out would be the spelling for this country they called home. The first letter was drawn out and held up for all to see. "C-eh." "N-eh." "D-eh."
One cold winter night long ago there were some French trappers sitting around the fire trying to stay warm. They looked around at the surrounding scenery and decided they needed to come up with a name for this new land. They decided to put all the letters of the alphabet in a hat and whatever they drew out would be the spelling for this country they called home. The first letter was drawn out and held up for all to see. "C-eh." "N-eh." "D-eh."
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Fttpow
New Member
Hillary called Trump and announced that Supreme Court Justice Ruth Ginsburgh just died and wanted to know if she could take her place. Trump replied, "It's OK with me if it's OK with the funeral home."
bghunter
Active Member
Wife came from vacation and brought full purse of cash, husband asked where she got the money from, she said that she earned, he got kind of mad and said that nobody would pay more than $1 for you, "I never charged more" said wife pulling out couple hundred of $1 bills
A proud and confident genius makes a bet with an idiot.
The genius says: “Hey idiot, every question I ask you that you don’t know the answer, you have to give me $5. And if you ask me a question and I can’t answer yours I will give you $5,000.”
The idiot says: “Okay!”
The genius then asks: “How many continents are there in the world?”
The idiot doesn’t know and hands over the $5.
The idiot says: “Now me ask: what animal stands with two legs but sleeps with three?” The genius tries and searches very hard for the answer but gives up and hands over the $5000.
The genius says, “Dang it, I lost. By the way, what was the answer to your question?”
– The idiot hands over $5…
The genius says: “Hey idiot, every question I ask you that you don’t know the answer, you have to give me $5. And if you ask me a question and I can’t answer yours I will give you $5,000.”
The idiot says: “Okay!”
The genius then asks: “How many continents are there in the world?”
The idiot doesn’t know and hands over the $5.
The idiot says: “Now me ask: what animal stands with two legs but sleeps with three?” The genius tries and searches very hard for the answer but gives up and hands over the $5000.
The genius says, “Dang it, I lost. By the way, what was the answer to your question?”
– The idiot hands over $5…
JimP
Administrator
This is for all of you "70 + year-olds", and those of you closing in on the "Golden Years".
This is something that happened at an assisted living center.
The people who lived there have small apartments but they
all eat at a central cafeteria. One morning one of the residents
didn't show up for breakfast so my wife went upstairs and knocked on
his door to see if everything was OK. She could hear him through the
door and he said that he was running late and would be down shortly so
she went back to the dining area.
An hour later he still hadn't arrived so she went back up towards his
room and she found him on the stairs. He was coming down the stairs but
was having a hell of time. He had a death grip on the hand rail and
seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right. She told him she
was going to call an ambulance but he told her no, he wasn't in any
pain and just wanted to have his breakfast. So she helped him the rest of
the way down the stairs and he had his breakfast.
When he tried to return to his room he was completely unable to get
up even the first step so they called an ambulance for him. A couple
hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing. The
receptionist there said he was fine, he just had both of his legs in
one leg of his boxer shorts.
I am sending this to my children so that they don’t sell the house
before they know all the facts.
This is something that happened at an assisted living center.
The people who lived there have small apartments but they
all eat at a central cafeteria. One morning one of the residents
didn't show up for breakfast so my wife went upstairs and knocked on
his door to see if everything was OK. She could hear him through the
door and he said that he was running late and would be down shortly so
she went back to the dining area.
An hour later he still hadn't arrived so she went back up towards his
room and she found him on the stairs. He was coming down the stairs but
was having a hell of time. He had a death grip on the hand rail and
seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right. She told him she
was going to call an ambulance but he told her no, he wasn't in any
pain and just wanted to have his breakfast. So she helped him the rest of
the way down the stairs and he had his breakfast.
When he tried to return to his room he was completely unable to get
up even the first step so they called an ambulance for him. A couple
hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing. The
receptionist there said he was fine, he just had both of his legs in
one leg of his boxer shorts.
I am sending this to my children so that they don’t sell the house
before they know all the facts.