jocularity
- Thread starter kidoggy
- Start date
Team Kabob
Very Active Member
- May 9, 2014
- 793
- 148
Things were a bit rough in our marriage...
The wife read an article in Cosmo that said you could spice up your love life by making love in a car wash.
Well, long story short... We are no longer welcome at that particular church fund raiser.
The wife read an article in Cosmo that said you could spice up your love life by making love in a car wash.
Well, long story short... We are no longer welcome at that particular church fund raiser.
Slugz
Veteran member
KD thanks for the daily commitment to the post and making people laugh. All over the world.
Prerylyon
Veteran member
Making a speech against the proliferation of X-rated videocassettes, the mayoral candidate said, "I rented one of these cassettes and was shocked to find by my count five acts of oral sex, three of sodomy, a transsexual making love to a dog, and a woman accommodating five men at once. If elected, I vow that tapes such as these will no longer befoul our fair community." He concluded the fiery denunciation by asking, "Are there any questions?"
Five people shouted in unison, "Where did you rent the tape?"
Five people shouted in unison, "Where did you rent the tape?"
JimP
Administrator
Recently starting going to a French self-defense class.
I can’t believe how tiring it is.
I’ve never done so much running in all my life.
I can’t believe how tiring it is.
I’ve never done so much running in all my life.
RICMIC
Veteran member
What's the best exercise for lazy people?
Diddley squats.
Diddley squats.
Our therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage, and she said it was due to my Star Wars puns.
I looked at the therapist and said. "Divorce is strong with this one."
I looked at the therapist and said. "Divorce is strong with this one."
dirtclod Az.
Veteran member
shake it morn three times ,yer masturbatingShaking my head...
A German Shepherd, Doberman and a Cat have died:
All three are faced with God who wants to know what they believe in.
The German Shepherd says: "I believe in discipline, training and
loyalty to my Master".
"Good", says God, "then sit down on my right side".
"Doberman, what do you believe in?" Asks God.
The Doberman answers: "I believe in the love, care and protection
of my Master."
"Aha", said "God, "you may sit to my left".
Then He looks at the Cat, and asks, "And, what do you believe in"?
The Cat then answers..... "I believe you are sitting in my seat."
All three are faced with God who wants to know what they believe in.
The German Shepherd says: "I believe in discipline, training and
loyalty to my Master".
"Good", says God, "then sit down on my right side".
"Doberman, what do you believe in?" Asks God.
The Doberman answers: "I believe in the love, care and protection
of my Master."
"Aha", said "God, "you may sit to my left".
Then He looks at the Cat, and asks, "And, what do you believe in"?
The Cat then answers..... "I believe you are sitting in my seat."
St. Peter was guarding the Pearly Gates, waiting for new souls coming to heaven. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?"
"Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"
"Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven."
"Sounds easy enough. OK."
So Jesus manned the gates for St. Peter. The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to sit down and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What did you do for a living?"
The old man replied, "I was a carpenter."
Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" he asked.
"Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."
Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?"
"Well, he had holes in his hands and feet."
Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?"
The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?"
"Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"
"Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven."
"Sounds easy enough. OK."
So Jesus manned the gates for St. Peter. The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to sit down and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What did you do for a living?"
The old man replied, "I was a carpenter."
Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" he asked.
"Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."
Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?"
"Well, he had holes in his hands and feet."
Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?"
The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?"
A man is in an emergency room complaining of severe stomach pains and bowel trouble. The attending physician advises that the patient will need a rectal exam. The doctor positions the patient on the bed on his side and puts on a latex glove...
As he lubes up his glove, he says, "Don't get excited and move too much like last time, Daniel."
The patient says, "My name isn't Daniel."
The doctor says, "Mine is."
As he lubes up his glove, he says, "Don't get excited and move too much like last time, Daniel."
The patient says, "My name isn't Daniel."
The doctor says, "Mine is."
WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?
A man smelling of booze and cigarettes sat down on a subway next to a priest. His tie was stained, there was red lipstick on his collar and face and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Tell me Father, do you happen to know what causes arthritis?"
The priest replies, "My son, it's caused by loose living, consorting with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."
The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned", then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
The man answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope suffers from it."
MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.
A man smelling of booze and cigarettes sat down on a subway next to a priest. His tie was stained, there was red lipstick on his collar and face and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Tell me Father, do you happen to know what causes arthritis?"
The priest replies, "My son, it's caused by loose living, consorting with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."
The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned", then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
The man answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope suffers from it."
MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.
Question #1 - If you were President, and you were told by the CIA that China had begun invading neighboring countries, would you choose beef or duck at your inauguration dinner?
Question #2. - As the new President, you find that there are elected members of congress that appear to hate this country to its core, which radio station do you listen to?
Question #3 - While campaigning, your manager finds that you are behind in the polls. What names other than racist, homophobe, xenophobe, and misogynist would YOU call your opponent?
Question #2. - As the new President, you find that there are elected members of congress that appear to hate this country to its core, which radio station do you listen to?
Question #3 - While campaigning, your manager finds that you are behind in the polls. What names other than racist, homophobe, xenophobe, and misogynist would YOU call your opponent?
JimP
Administrator
Chester sent his dog out to see if there were any ducks in the pond. "If there aren't many ducks out there, I'm not going hunting". The dog comes back and barks twice. Chester says, "Well I'm not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out there".
Earl says, "You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?"
Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says, "I don't believe it. There really are only two ducks out there! Where did you get that dog?"
Chester says, "Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want one, you can get one from him"
So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has. The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home, tells it to go out and look for ducks.
Minutes later the dog returns shaking its head with a stick in its mouth, and starts humping Earl's leg.
Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says, "This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!"?
The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back shaking its head with a stick in its mouth, and started humping his leg.
The breeder says, "Earl, dogs can't talk. He was trying to tell you there are more f...... ducks out there than you can shake a stick at".
Earl says, "You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?"
Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says, "I don't believe it. There really are only two ducks out there! Where did you get that dog?"
Chester says, "Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want one, you can get one from him"
So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has. The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home, tells it to go out and look for ducks.
Minutes later the dog returns shaking its head with a stick in its mouth, and starts humping Earl's leg.
Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says, "This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!"?
The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back shaking its head with a stick in its mouth, and started humping his leg.
The breeder says, "Earl, dogs can't talk. He was trying to tell you there are more f...... ducks out there than you can shake a stick at".
JimP
Administrator
An Admiral was visiting one of his ships. While having tea, he noticed that every biscuit had the ship's insignia embossed on it.
He is very impressed and calls the cook to ask him how he does this.
Cook, "When rolling the biscuits, I slap each one onto my belt buckle before putting them in the oven."
Admiral, "That's pretty unhygienic !!"
Cook, "In that case Sir, I'd suggest you skip the doughnuts."
He is very impressed and calls the cook to ask him how he does this.
Cook, "When rolling the biscuits, I slap each one onto my belt buckle before putting them in the oven."
Admiral, "That's pretty unhygienic !!"
Cook, "In that case Sir, I'd suggest you skip the doughnuts."