jocularity

[kidoggy]

I was in in the public restroom and I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice in the other stall.

Stall: "Hi, how are you?"

Me: (embarrassed) "Doing fine!"

Stall: "So what are you up to?"

Me: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here."

Stall: "Can I come over?"

Me: (attitude) "No, I'm a little busy right now!!"

Stall: "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!

 

[dirtclod Az.]

OK started with "Your a Strange Ranger"
Moved to "Your a Mixed Bag of Nuts"

 

[JimP]

Meanwhile in Colorado and a few other states..........................

 

[JimP]

 

[JimP]

 

[JimP]

 

[kidoggy]

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... Every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... Go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis MI amigo... What ees it? "

"Pepe.. Ees not a bacon tree. Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees a ham bush...."

 

[dirtclod Az.]

What did the pirate say when he turned 80yrs old?Aye Matey.

 

[kidoggy]

A beautiful blonde woman approaches a pharmacist

and asks, "Do you have extra large condoms?"

The pharmacist replies, "Yes, isle 11."

The blonde goes to the isle. But about 30 minutes later she is still looking at the condoms. The pharmacist calls over to her, "Do you need some help?"

The woman replies, "No, I'm just waiting for somebody to buy some."

 

[kidoggy]

Scientists recently discovered that beer
contains small traces of female hormones. This was proven by giving 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that an astonishing percentage, 100%, started talking nonsense and couldn’t drive.

 

[kidoggy]

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."

He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment.

The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

 

[kidoggy]

A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest.

She lies down on the bed... just then, and elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed.

Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.

Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up.

The manager is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true. "Look... lie here on the bed -- you'll be thrown right to the floor!" So he lies down next to the wife.

Just then the husband walks in. "What," he says, "are you doing here!?!"

The manager calmly replies, "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"

 

[kidoggy]

one day a florist went to a barber
for a hair cut when done asked for the bill
the barber replied no charge
I`m Doing Community Service This Week
the florist was pleased and left the shop
the next morning was a thank you note plus dozen roses waiting
later a police officer enters for a cut,
the barber again refuses payment as he`s doing his community service
the cop thanks leaves
as before next morning opening shop is a card and dozen donuts
then a congressman comes in for a cut
asking about the bill the barber says he cannot accept
payment as he`s doing community service, the congressman very happy leaves
next morning upon opening shop waiting were a dozen congressmen

 

[kidoggy]

Procrastinators unite................tomorrow.

There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, but I never got around to it.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can forget about entirely.

My mother always said: "You won't amount to anything because you procrastinate." I said,"oh yeah...................just you wait."

 

[JimP]

 

[Prerylyon]

[emoji23]

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SGH-I337Z using Tapatalk

 

[kidoggy]

Since some folks have decided that "Baby it’s Cold Outside" should be banned and pulled from radio playlists, we feel that these other holiday songs must also be removed as they are offensive as well.

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: subjecting minors to softcore porn; infidelity　

White Christmas? Racist

Santa Claus is Coming to Town: Sees you when you’re sleeping? Knows when you’re awake? Peeping Tom stalker　

Do You Hear What I Hear: blatant disregard for the hearing impaired

Grandma Got Ran Over By A Reindeer: Come on the name says it all! Reckless driving, attempted murder, elder abuse!

 

[kidoggy]

My psychiatrist uses shock treatment.
He gives me the bill in advance.
One time, I thought I had turned into a can of deodorant. But I wasn't Sure.
My psychiatrist has helped me a lot. Before, I was afraid to answer the phone. Now I answer it whether it rings or not.
For my birthday, my psychiatrist sent me a bag of fruit. It came shrink-wrapped.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas.
Psychiatrist to nurse: "Just say we're very busy." Don't keep saying, "It's a madhouse in here

 

[kidoggy]

A little girl is in line to see Santa
When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap.
Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"
The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe."
Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."
"No," said the little girl."
"She comes with G.I. Joe."
"She fakes it with Ken."

 

[kidoggy]

If my wife comes to bed nude it's ON, but when it's me at the end of the bed naked she's all "what are you doin, we're at Mattress City."