jocularity

kidoggy

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My granddad gave me some sound advice on his

deathbed.

“It’s worth spending money on good speakers,” he told me.
 
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kidoggy

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There's a new winter resort that caters


exclusively to men with erectile dysfunction..........................................Lake Flaccid.
 

87TT

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A city guy worked in an office building and HATED it. All he could think and dream of was owning a farm. He would not eat lunch but instead save his money to make his dreams a reality. He saved every penny but only had about $10,000 in his farm account. While he was not eating his lunch he would look through ads for property like we used to look at the Sears Christmas catalog. And wish and dream. One day he couldn’t believe his eyes, an ad read, “1,000 acre farm for sale, with all equipment, livestock, crops in the field, barn, chicken coop, and farm house. $10,000 (WITH CONDITIONS). He was sure it was a misprint but he jumped it his car after work and took off to the country. When he drove up he was amazed, the place looked like a painting, it was beautiful. The old farmer was sitting on a rail fence when the guy pulled up to the barn. The farmer assured him it was all correct and the only condition was that he marry the farmer’s daughter. He said that sounds good, I would like to meet her. The farmer yelled “Lulabell come here”. This huge ol’ gal came skipping out of the house, pigtails slapping in the breeze chanting “come to papa, come to papa, come to papa”. When she was introduced, she smiled and she only had 4 teeth and they didn’t touch. In his mind he was thinking about his dreams coming true at last and if intimacy was ever called for he could always put a bag over her head. The deal went down, the farm changed hands and the couple nuptulated. One day the guy was up on the barn repairing storm damage and he yelled “Lulabell get me the shingles”. Off she skips chanting “get the shingles, get the shingles, get the shingles “. A while later he yelled “Lulabell get the nails “. There she skipped off again chanting “get the nails, get the nails, get the nails “. As he was nailing up the shingles he hit his finger with the hammer and exclaimed a word that starts and ends like the word firetruck. Lulabell went skipping off chanting “get the bag, get the bag, get the bag
 
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kidoggy

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I always see...

...more people walking into Walmart than I see walking out.

But the meat is cheap, so I don't ask questions.
 

kidoggy

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On the first day of college, the Dean

addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules.
He says, "The female dormitory would be prohibited for all male students, and the male dormitory would be prohibited for the female students."

Continuing further, he says, "Anyone caught breaking this rule would be fined $50 the first time."
"Anyone caught breaking this rule the second time would be fined $100."
"Being caught the third time, would incur a hefty fine of $200."
"Are there any questions?"

At this, a male student in the crowd inquired, "How much for a season pass?"
 
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kidoggy

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Mental Health Treatment

Put all the people who want to kill somebody in a room with the people who want to die.
 

kidoggy

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A man asked his friend, "You look down. Why so sad?'
His friend replied, "I was watching porn and my wife walked through the door."
"Oh, I see," said the man. "But is that so bad?" He asked.
His friend looked at him and said, "She walked through the door on the video!"
 

kidoggy

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Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen won't open"
Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edge with hammer"
Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now.
 
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kidoggy

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An elderly man...

...in a bar had a couple of beers, and the bartender told him that he owed $4.

"But I paid already; don't you remember?" said the old man.

"Okay," said the bartender. "If you say you paid, you did."

The elderly man then went outside and told a friend that the bartender couldn't keep track of his customers' bills.

The second man went into the bar and ordered a beer. When it came time to pay he pulled the same stunt. The bartender replied, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."

Soon the customer went into the street, saw an old friend and told him how to get free drinks. That man went into the bar and began drinking highballs when suddenly the bartender leaned over and said, "You know, a funny thing happened tonight. Two men were here drinking beer, neither of them paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the face."

"Don't bother me with your troubles," the man said. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way.
 

kidoggy

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The town's banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty year-old rancher, walking through town.

He knew Tom had lost his wife a year or so before, and there were rumors that Tom was marrying a 'mail order' bride.

Being a good friend to Tom, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.

Tom said proudly... "Sho' nuf...!" and assured the banker the rumor was indeed true...

The banker then asked Tom " Um, Tom, just how old is your bride going to be when she arrives...?"

Tom crowed, "She'll be here in September and by November, she'll be twenty-one...!"

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, understood that the sexual appetite of a young woman might not be easily satisfied by eighty year-old Tom. So, he made a friendly suggestion... wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy, of course... He suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch... (All the time knowing that nature would take its own course), Tom's new wife would be happy and in turn, that would make Tom happy...

Thinking for a minute, Tom said... "That there's a dern good idea...!" and told the banker he would start looking for hired hand that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. 'How's the new wife?', asked the banker...

Tom proudly said, "She's really good... she's pregnant!"

The banker, surprised, but happy for ole' Tom, continued to asked if Tom had taken his advice and gotten a hired hand... The banker said... "And how's the hired hand... Did that work out also...?"

Without hesitating, Ole' Tom beamed and said the banker, "Your advice was right on the money... she's pregnant too..."
 
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kidoggy

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A blonde woman...

...decides to take a language course to learn Russian. On the first day of class, the professor goes around the room asking the students why they were interested in learning the Russian language. When he gets to the blonde, he asks, "So, why are you interested in learning the Russian language?"

The blonde replies, "My husband and I just adopted a Russian baby and we were told that he would start talking within a year's time. I just want to be able to understand what he's saying."
 

kidoggy

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Go ahead and call me racist, but, south of the border is nothing but a sea of violence, corruption, and stupidity. Thank God I live in Canada.
 

kidoggy

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There was a guy on the beach with gorgeous chicks swarming all around him.

Seeing this, a second guy strolls on up to him and asks, “What’s your secret?” The guy whispers, “All you gotta do is stick a pickle down your trunks.”

So the second guy runs off and stuffs a pickle in his pants.

But when he returns to the beach, he discovers that every girl that looks his way, runs off.

Confused, he goes over to the first guy and asks, “Why are all the girls running away from me?”

The first guy looks up and replies, “The pickle goes in the FRONT!”
 
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