jocularity

dirtclod Az.

Veteran member
Jan 26, 2018
1,575
371
Arizona
I Just Came Out to My Friends and Family

as a proud member of the PDCSWBTGLRNHB community.

After the initial shock, they were all very supportive and realized that they too were

Privileged Deplorable Conservative Straight White Bible Thumping Gun Loving Red Neck Hill Billies.

We are now organizing a PDCSWBTGLRNHB pride parade to celebrate our liberation.

The rest of you Hicks are welcome to join in.
And start a riot!, And loot and pilage... 💥
 

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
7,296
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54
idaho
After old man Henry picked up on an old lady Johnson during church they went out on a date. After making their way up to lookout hill he parked the car and they started to make out like they did when they were teenagers.

When things got hot and heavy old man Henry said, "Hold on a minute honey", he slaps on a rubber and shoves some cotton in his ears and up his nose. He turns back around and said, " I'm ready honey ".

Now old lady Johnson gets a big smile on her face and said, " I know what the rubber is for we're about to git it on but what's the cotton in you ears and up your nose for?".

"Well honey, there's two things in life I can't stand.

The sound of a lady screaming

And the smell of burnt rubber"
 
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idcwby

Veteran member
Jun 23, 2015
1,115
2,632
Idaho
AN OLD WOMAN WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCHING POST.

AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER. THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED, "HEY OLD WOMAN, HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?"

THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO,... I NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."

A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.

THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR -- NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF --STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING. WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.

THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS.

THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR, AND THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.

THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS, TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING. THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.

THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A MULE'S ASS?"

THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO M'AM... BUT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO.

THERE ARE FIVE LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US:
1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old people; they didn't get old by being stupid.
 

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
7,296
6,771
54
idaho
A golfer walks into the pro shop at the local

course and asks the golf pro if they sell ball markers.

The golf pro says, "Yes, they are just $1.00 each. "

The guy gives the golf pro a dollar and says he'll take one.

The golf pro opens the register, puts the dollar in the tray and, with a big smile, hands the guy a quarter.
 

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
7,296
6,771
54
idaho
Two Mafia hitmen are walking deep into a forest in the middle of the night.
One of them says to the other, "I gotta admit I'm scared out here".
The other replies, "You're scared; I gotta walk back alone".
 
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kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
7,296
6,771
54
idaho
She wanted to serve her guests mushroom-smothered steak, but she had no mushrooms and no time to buy them.
Her husband suggested, "Why don't you go pick some of the mushrooms that are growing wild down by the stream?"
"No, some wild mushrooms are poisonous."
"Well, I see animals eating them and they're OK."
So she picked a bunch and washed, sliced and sautéed them for her dinner.
Then she went out on the back porch and gave Spot, their dog, a double handful. Spot ate every bite.
All morning long, she watched the dog.
The wild mushrooms hadn't affected him after a few hours, so she decided to use them.
The meal was a great success.
After everyone had finished, her daughter came in and whispered in her ear, "Mum, Spot is dead."
Trying to keep her head about her, she left the room as quickly as possible, called the doctor and told him what had happened.
The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I'll call for an ambulance and I'll be there as quickly as I can. We'll give everyone enemas and we'll pump out their stomachs and everything will be fine. Just keep them calm."
Before long they started to hear the sirens as the ambulance tore down the road.
The Paramedics and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.
One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.
After the last one was done the doctor came out and said, "Everything will be okay now," and with that he left.
The hosts and the guests were all weak and knackered sitting around the living room when the daughter came in and said to her Mum, "I can't believe that guy!"
"What guy?"
"You know, that one who ran over Spot, he never even slowed down."
 
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kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
7,296
6,771
54
idaho
A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. "Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest.
"No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward".
 
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kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
7,296
6,771
54
idaho
Back when I was a kid, my 3rd grade teacher would remind us everyday that we should be proud that we live in America....the greatest country in the world.

She said that being a citizen of the US means that one day....anybody could end up becoming the President.

I was a cynical child and realized I was probably being subjected to over-zealous nationalism. After all....it was during the cuban missile crisis and cold war era.

However I must confess, my 3rd grade teacher was correct. I saw Joe Biden steal an election and realized ANYBODY could be come President.
 

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
7,296
6,771
54
idaho

A woman walked up to an elderly man rocking in a
chair on his porch.

“I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look,” she said. “What’s your secret for a long, happy life?”

“I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,” he said. “I also drink a case of whiskey a month, eat fatty foods and never exercise.”

“That’s amazing,” the woman said. “How old are you?”

“Thirty-six."
 

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
7,296
6,771
54
idaho
A Texan was visiting a Maine farmer.

The Texas rancher was boasting to his host about the size of his ranch. "I can get into my pickup truck and drive all day and still not reach the boundary of my ranch," he bragged.

The Mainer shook his head knowingly, and replied, "Aayuhh, I had a truck like that once.