jocularity

kidoggy

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The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, "Hi Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, "They won't let me fart."
 
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kidoggy

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A lady goes into the butcher shop and, as she is walking around the store, she spies a beef tongue on the butcher’s counter. The lady asks, “What in the world is that?”

“Beef tongue,” replies the butcher.

The lady gives a little involuntary shudder, “No way would I put anything in my mouth that came out of an animal’s mouth!”

The butcher nods sympathetically, while peeking into the woman’s shopping cart, “I see you’re buying a dozen eggs, however.”
 
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kidoggy

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I met a prostitute while in Moscow.


I was hesitant about having sex with her, so I told her my likes, dislikes, my goals, my dreams, and my life story.

I wasn't Russian, but was Stalin to Putin.
 
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kidoggy

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Jesus was relaxing in Heaven when he noticed a familiar looking old man.

Wondering if the old man was His father Joseph, Jesus asked him, "Did you, by any chance, ever have a son?"

"Yes," said the old man, "but he wasn't my biological son. He was born by a miracle, by the intervention of a magical being from the heavens."

"Very interesting," said Jesus. "Did this boy ever have to fight temptation?"

"Oh, yes, many times," answered the old man. "But he eventually won. Unfortunately, he heroically died at one point, but he came back to life shortly afterwards."

Jesus couldn't believe it. Could this actually be His father?

"One last question," He said. "Were you a carpenter?"

"Why yes," replied the old man. "Yes I was."

Jesus rubbed His eyes and said, "Dad?"

The old man rubbed his eyes and said, "Pinocchio?"
 

kidoggy

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At a nursing home a group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments. "My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee."

"I couldn't even mark an 'X' at election time, my hands are so crippled, volunteered a third.

"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you! said a fourth.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fifth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy I can hardly walk!" exclaimed another.

"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said an elderly gent.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. The others nodded in agreement.

"Well, count your blessings," said one woman cheerfully, "thankfully, we can all still drive."
 

kidoggy

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A Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.

The Cow:
I give 50 liters of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!!

The Ant:
I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!!
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Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something...
 

kidoggy

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A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary
... and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, 'There's no charge.'

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'
 

kidoggy

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An elderly man goes into his doctors office for an annual physical. After a while, the doctor comes out and says, "I'm sorry Bill, but we have discovered you have a condition which probably allows you about another 6 weeks to live."

"But Doctor," Bill replied, "I feel great. I haven't felt better in years. This just can't be true. Isn't there anything I can do?"

After a moment the doctor said, "Well, you might start going down the street to that new health spa and take a mud bath every day."

Excitedly Bill asked, "And that will cure me?"

"No," replied the doctor, "but it will get you used to the dirt."
 

kidoggy

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TAMPA, FL—Though they had been trailing in the Super Bowl throughout most of the first quarter, the Kansas City Chiefs were suddenly awarded 138,000 points at halftime, sources confirmed Sunday evening.


"After closer examination, we discovered several more points scored by the Chiefs that we had missed initially," said one official. "Sometimes these things show up in the instant replay footage."

After receiving the exciting news, the halftime show transitioned into a victory celebration for the winning team.

"We hope this small irregularity doesn't undermine your faith in our officiating," said an NFL spokesperson.
 
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kidoggy

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An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"

The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "He says you were speeding!"

The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"

The woman turns to her husband and asks again, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "He wants to see your license!"

The woman gave the officer her license.

The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."

The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"

And the old man yells, "He said he remembers you!"
 

kidoggy

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Why do Muslims believe the afterlife is more important than their current life? If you lived in the Middle East, you would KNOW why.


Islams are promised 72 virgins...

but ya gotta ask yourself why they are still virgins...



besides .......after 71 virgins , yer gunna want a pro!
 
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kidoggy

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Old Aunt Cora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her troublesome constipation. "It's terrible," she said to the doctor. "I haven't moved my bowels in more than a week."

"I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor.

"Oh, yes," Aunt Cora replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a good half of an hour in the morning and then again at night."

"No," the doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?"

"Of course I do." she answered, "I take a magazine."
 
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RICMIC

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I've tried to stay out of the political discussion for the most part, and feel that we don't need to make this a political forum. BUT, this was too good to pass up.
In regards to the media; "When a Republican is in the Oval Office, they all want to be Bob Woodward. But, when a Democrat is in the Oval Office, they all want to be Monica Lewinsky."