jocularity
- Thread starter kidoggy
- Start date
Voting for Biden because you don't like Trump is like eating dog turd because you don't like broccoli.
This is the most important election of our lifetime....until the next election anyway.
A tourist walked into a Chinese souvenir shop in San Francisco. While looking around at the exotic merchandise, he noticed a very lifelike bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag but was so incredibly striking, the tourist decided he must have it. He took it to the old shop owner and asked, "How much for the bronze rat?"
"Ahhh, you have chosen wisely! It is $12 for the rat and $100 for the story." said the wise old China man.
The tourist quickly pulled out twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."
As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, the tourist noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and had begun following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting so he began walking faster.
A couple blocks later he looked behind him and saw to his horror the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.
Sweating now, the tourist began to trot toward San Francisco Bay.
Again, after a couple blocks, he looked around only to discover that the rats now numbered in the THOUSANDS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster.
Terrified, he ran to the edge of the Bay and threw the bronze rat as far as he could into the Bay.
Amazingly, the thousands of rats all jumped into the Bay after the bronze rat and were all drowned. The much relieved man stood silently to contemplate what he had just witnessed.
The man walked back to the souvenir shop in Chinatown.
"Ahhh," said the owner, "You come back for story?"
"No sir," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze politician."
"Ahhh, you have chosen wisely! It is $12 for the rat and $100 for the story." said the wise old China man.
The tourist quickly pulled out twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."
As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, the tourist noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and had begun following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting so he began walking faster.
A couple blocks later he looked behind him and saw to his horror the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.
Sweating now, the tourist began to trot toward San Francisco Bay.
Again, after a couple blocks, he looked around only to discover that the rats now numbered in the THOUSANDS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster.
Terrified, he ran to the edge of the Bay and threw the bronze rat as far as he could into the Bay.
Amazingly, the thousands of rats all jumped into the Bay after the bronze rat and were all drowned. The much relieved man stood silently to contemplate what he had just witnessed.
The man walked back to the souvenir shop in Chinatown.
"Ahhh," said the owner, "You come back for story?"
"No sir," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze politician."
Waiting for election results is like waiting for a grade on a group project.
I know I did my part right, but I am worried the rest of you screwed it up.
I know I did my part right, but I am worried the rest of you screwed it up.
Tyrone was having trouble in school; his teacher was always yelling at
him, "You're driving me crazy, Tyrone; can't you learn anything?
One day Tyrone's mother came to school to see how he was doing. The
teacher told her honestly that her son was simply a disaster, getting
very low marks, and that she had never had such an unmotivated and
ignorant boy in her entire teaching career.
Tyrone’s mom, shocked at the feedback, withdrew her son from school
and moved out of Detroit, relocating to Cleveland.
25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with irreversible cardiac
disease. Her doctors all strongly advised her to have open heart
surgery, which only one surgeon at the Cleveland Clinic could perform.
Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation,
which was remarkably successful.
When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw the handsome young
doctor who headed her surgical team smiling down at her. She wanted to
thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she
raised her hand, trying to tell him something, but quickly died.
The doctor was shocked, wondering what went wrong so suddenly.
When the doctor turned around to leave the room, he saw Tyrone, now a
janitor at the Clinic, had unplugged the life-support equipment in
order to plug in his vacuum cleaner.
If you thought that Tyrone had become a heart-surgeon, there is a high
likelihood that you voted for Biden.
him, "You're driving me crazy, Tyrone; can't you learn anything?
One day Tyrone's mother came to school to see how he was doing. The
teacher told her honestly that her son was simply a disaster, getting
very low marks, and that she had never had such an unmotivated and
ignorant boy in her entire teaching career.
Tyrone’s mom, shocked at the feedback, withdrew her son from school
and moved out of Detroit, relocating to Cleveland.
25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with irreversible cardiac
disease. Her doctors all strongly advised her to have open heart
surgery, which only one surgeon at the Cleveland Clinic could perform.
Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation,
which was remarkably successful.
When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw the handsome young
doctor who headed her surgical team smiling down at her. She wanted to
thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she
raised her hand, trying to tell him something, but quickly died.
The doctor was shocked, wondering what went wrong so suddenly.
When the doctor turned around to leave the room, he saw Tyrone, now a
janitor at the Clinic, had unplugged the life-support equipment in
order to plug in his vacuum cleaner.
If you thought that Tyrone had become a heart-surgeon, there is a high
likelihood that you voted for Biden.
A jealous husband hires a private detective to
check on the movements of his wife. The husband wants more than written report: he wants movies of his wife’s activities.
A week later, the detective returns with a reel of film. They sit down together and proceed to watch it. Although the quality is less than professional, the man sees his wife meeting another man!
He sees the two of them laughing in the park. He sees them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He sees them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He sees a dozen activities shared by both the man and woman with utter glee.
“I just can’t believe this,” the distraught husband said.
The detective says, “What’s not to believe? It’s right up there on the screen!”
The husband replied, “No, I just can’t believe that my wife could be so much fun!”
check on the movements of his wife. The husband wants more than written report: he wants movies of his wife’s activities.
A week later, the detective returns with a reel of film. They sit down together and proceed to watch it. Although the quality is less than professional, the man sees his wife meeting another man!
He sees the two of them laughing in the park. He sees them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He sees them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He sees a dozen activities shared by both the man and woman with utter glee.
“I just can’t believe this,” the distraught husband said.
The detective says, “What’s not to believe? It’s right up there on the screen!”
The husband replied, “No, I just can’t believe that my wife could be so much fun!”
My dad told me never to go to a cheap, dirty, raunchy strip club because you'll see something you really shouldn't.
So I went.
And I saw my dad.
So I went.
And I saw my dad.
Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads..."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads..."
TWILIGHT ZONE on elections
Imagine a football game where the winning play
happens 20 minutes after the game is over, and one team has gone back to the locker room.
By a player who wasn't even part of the game.
Imagine a football game where the winning play
happens 20 minutes after the game is over, and one team has gone back to the locker room.
By a player who wasn't even part of the game.
A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a family nude beach.
As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.
She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'
The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.
She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is'
Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.
Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother:
'Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.
As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.
She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'
The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.
She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is'
Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.
Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother:
'Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.
Those who spent the last four years convinced there was election interference,
Are now saying there's no way the election could be rigged.
Now that's funny!
Are now saying there's no way the election could be rigged.
Now that's funny!
A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years.
One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he agreed to pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.
The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."
One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he agreed to pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.
The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."
A sweet old lady telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital.
She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?" The operator said, "I can, what's the name and room number?"
The old lady in her weak voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."
The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."
After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, "Oh, I have good news, her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday."
The old lady said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you!"
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"
The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me shit."
She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?" The operator said, "I can, what's the name and room number?"
The old lady in her weak voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."
The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."
After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, "Oh, I have good news, her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday."
The old lady said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you!"
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"
The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me shit."