jocularity
- Thread starter kidoggy
- Start date
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. a huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy the heart opened up and the casket rolled inside. The beautiful heart then closed, sealing the doctor inside forever.
At that point one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes started at him he said "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral, I'm a gynecologist "
The proctologist fainted.
Following the eulogy the heart opened up and the casket rolled inside. The beautiful heart then closed, sealing the doctor inside forever.
At that point one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes started at him he said "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral, I'm a gynecologist "
The proctologist fainted.
JimP
Administrator
I went to the Walmart today , and I was there for literally 5 minutes.
When I came out there was a state trooper writing a parking ticket for being in a handicap spot.
So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked cop. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!
So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face down on the couch cause he's so ugly.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!
This went on until he had placed 5 tickets on the winshield... the more I insulted him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.
When I came out there was a state trooper writing a parking ticket for being in a handicap spot.
So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked cop. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!
So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face down on the couch cause he's so ugly.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!
This went on until he had placed 5 tickets on the winshield... the more I insulted him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.
Bonecollector
Veteran member
BrandonM
Active Member
- Nov 9, 2011
- 209
- 243
Yoda was setting the table for supper one night. He looked at Luke and said, "May the fork be with you."
Later, during the meal, Yoda noticed how Luke was able to cut a thick steak with only the use of that same fork. Proud of the young apprentice, he looked over at Obi Wan and said with a smile, "The fork is strong with that one."
THANK YOU! I'LL BE HERE ALL NIGHT!
Later, during the meal, Yoda noticed how Luke was able to cut a thick steak with only the use of that same fork. Proud of the young apprentice, he looked over at Obi Wan and said with a smile, "The fork is strong with that one."
THANK YOU! I'LL BE HERE ALL NIGHT!
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices the very handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you".
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that, number 1, you have to be single and number 2, you must be Catholic."
The ! cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!
"OK" the Nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a passionate kiss. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the Nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me for I have sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The Nun says, "That's OK.
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Costume party."
She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you".
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that, number 1, you have to be single and number 2, you must be Catholic."
The ! cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!
"OK" the Nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a passionate kiss. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the Nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me for I have sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The Nun says, "That's OK.
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Costume party."
I tried three times to press the thanks button...but just couldn't do it for this level of "Dad Joke."
well then , here's a gem you'll appreciate.
Some friars were behind in their belfry payments, so they opened a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.
He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her. So, the rival florist hired HUGH Mac Taggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, the friars did so.
The Moral of the Story: Wait for it....
Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars !!
Bonecollector
Veteran member
Wife: Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes.
Wife: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about 3
Wife: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip.
Wife: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose.
Wife: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?
Man: Correct
Wife: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Man: Correct
Wife: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink beer?
Wife: No
Man: Where's your Ferrari?
Man: Yes.
Wife: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about 3
Wife: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip.
Wife: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose.
Wife: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?
Man: Correct
Wife: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Man: Correct
Wife: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink beer?
Wife: No
Man: Where's your Ferrari?
After 20 years of marriage,
a couple was lying in bed one evening when the missus felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.
Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'That was wonderful. Why did you stop?'
He said, 'I found the remote!'
a couple was lying in bed one evening when the missus felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.
Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'That was wonderful. Why did you stop?'
He said, 'I found the remote!'
A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man anxiously says, "Yes."
"Take the poison," says the Rabbi.
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man anxiously says, "Yes."
"Take the poison," says the Rabbi.
McTavish is on his death bed. He calls over his friend Hamish and says, “I have a bottle of 25-year-old whisky under my pillow. When I’m dead would you do me a kindness and pour it over my grave?” “Of course I will,” replies Hamish. “Though I might be passing it through my kidneys first.”