jocularity
- Thread starter kidoggy
- Start date
A woman places an ad looking for a man to be her lover
The ad reads: "Looking for a man with 3 qualities: won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me, and is great in bed."
A few days later her doorbell rings. The man says, "Hi, I’m Dave. I have no arms so I won’t beat you, and no feet so I won’t run away."
"What makes you think you're great in bed?" the woman retorts.
Dave replies, "I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?"
The ad reads: "Looking for a man with 3 qualities: won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me, and is great in bed."
A few days later her doorbell rings. The man says, "Hi, I’m Dave. I have no arms so I won’t beat you, and no feet so I won’t run away."
"What makes you think you're great in bed?" the woman retorts.
Dave replies, "I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?"
JimP
Administrator
Only in Minnesota!
I was driving down the freeway when I hit a seagull. SPLAT and it flew up over my car and plastered all over the front of the Highway Patrol Cruiser behind me.
OH SHIT!
Right away he lit me up, so I pulled over. He came up and asked for my license and I asked him what I had done. Was I speeding? Had I drifted lanes when I struck the seagull?
"No". he replied. "I'm ticketing you for flipping me the bird"
I was driving down the freeway when I hit a seagull. SPLAT and it flew up over my car and plastered all over the front of the Highway Patrol Cruiser behind me.
OH SHIT!
Right away he lit me up, so I pulled over. He came up and asked for my license and I asked him what I had done. Was I speeding? Had I drifted lanes when I struck the seagull?
"No". he replied. "I'm ticketing you for flipping me the bird"
dirtclod Az.
Veteran member
JimP
Administrator
dirtclod Az.
Veteran member
Now That's gonna leave a mark...Probably on you as well as her.Thanks kidoggy,good laugh to start the morning.
JimP
Administrator
One day a man goes to his wife and says "Honey, I've never said anything before, but I need to know. I've noticed that of our seven children, that Jack looks different from the others. Does Jack have a different father than his siblings?"
The wife says "Yes, I admit it, he does."
The husband says "Who is his father?"
The wife says "You are."
The wife says "Yes, I admit it, he does."
The husband says "Who is his father?"
The wife says "You are."
On his deathbed, a husband gasped weakly to his wife: "Please, my dear, I want you to grant me one last wish."
"What is it?" she asked.
"Six months after I die, I want you to marry Ken from next door."
"But I thought you hated Ken," she said.
"I do," said the husband.
"What is it?" she asked.
"Six months after I die, I want you to marry Ken from next door."
"But I thought you hated Ken," she said.
"I do," said the husband.
JimP
Administrator
A Golf Story
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.’
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
‘Feels great,’ he replied; ‘but I still think my thumb's broken!’
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.’
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
‘Feels great,’ he replied; ‘but I still think my thumb's broken!’
JimP
Administrator
JimP
Administrator
UPDATES on Senior Texting abbreviations.
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
Bonecollector
Veteran member
