jocularity

[kidoggy]

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way but didn’t want to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper chuckled and said "By all means be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills it and with a great deal of effort hauls it onto the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more dead gators. As the shopkeeper watches in amazement, the blonde flips the alligator on its back and frustrated, shouts out "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"…

 

[kidoggy]

I went for a Job interview today and the manager said, “We’re looking for someone who is responsible.”

“Well, I’m your man.” I replied, “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”

 

[kidoggy]

n old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniel After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy ... do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No ... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times"...

 

[kidoggy]

Join the Flat Earth Society Today
We are a fast growing group with world wide members all around the Globe!!

 

[kidoggy]

Joe was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. He knew his Dad had done very well with the business and that he was going to inherit a large sum when his sick father died, so he decided he wanted a trophy wife to go with his fortune.

One evening at an investment seminar he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her beauty took his breath away. “I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said to her, “but in just a few years, my father will pass, and I’ll inherit his large fortune.”

Impressed, the woman took his card and three months later, she became Joe’s stepmother. Women are so much better at financial planning than men…

 

[JimP]

 

[JimP]

 

[dirtclod Az.]

Ow! That's gonna leave a mark.

 

[JimP]

 

[kidoggy]

nice! git-r-dun!

 

[kidoggy]

A wife goes to consult a psychiatrist about her husband: “My husband is acting so weird. He drinks his morning coffee and then he goes and eats the mug! He only leaves the handle!”

Psychiatrist: “Yes, that is weird. The handle is the best part.“

 

[JimP]

 

[dirtclod Az.]

Here's a couple of stupid dad jokes for this AM:
I just watched a program about Beavers.It was the best dam program I've ever seen.

I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.It's a total rip-off.
Your turn...dirtclod Az.

 

[kidoggy]

hurricanes are like women .
they start out all wet and wild but eventually take your house and car

 

[dirtclod Az.]

Can a vegetarian still eat animal crackers?

 

[kidoggy]

A man goes to see a wizard and says,

"Can you lift a curse that a priest put on me years ago?"

"Possibly..." says the wizard, "Do you remember the exact words of the curse?"

The man replies,

"I pronounce you man and wife."

 

[JimP]

 

[JimP]

The Department of the Navy is now assigning females to quarters in a
separate "OFF LIMITS" area on all aircraft carriers.

While addressing all personnel at Pearl Harbor, the Admiral advised, "Female sleeping quarters will be "out-of-bounds" for all males.

Anyone caught breaking this rule will be fined $50."

And the Admiral continued, "Anyone caught breaking this rule a
second time will be fined $150.

Being caught a third time will cost you $500."
Are there any questions?"

At this point, a US Marine from the security detail assigned to a ship stood up
in the crowd and inquired: "Sir, How much for a season pass, Sir ?"

 

[JimP]

While enjoying their evening cocktails, the wife asks her husband, in a very seductive voice,"Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a silky bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.

She then asked him, "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"Uh... no, I haven't," he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her panties... and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

"Now," she said, "have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"

He said, …."No!," trying to hide his anticipation.

She said, "Better check the garage."

 

[JimP]