We tried a Bud and he didn't like it so I drank it. Then we tried Carlsberg and Guinness among others and he didn't like them either so I drank them too. By the time we got to whiskey I was almost too drunk to push his stroller home
CHINA CLAIMS THAT CORONAVIRUS CAME FROM AN OLD STUPID BAT, BUT NANCY PELOSI DENIED HAVING BEEN INVOLVED.
"PAYDAY" CANDY BAR IS CHANGING ITS NAME BECAUSE IT'S OFFENSIVE TO THOSE WHO DON'T WORK.
IF THE CURRENT POWER GRID CAN'T HANDLE A NIGHT OF 20 DEGREES TEMPERATURES WITHOUT ROLLING BLACKOUTS, HOW ARE WE GOING TO PLUG 100 MILLIONS ELECTRIC CARS UP AT NIGHT?
ARE THERE ANY COUNTRIES THAT TAX THEIR CITIZENS AND SEND SOME OF IT TO AMERICANS?
IMAGINE, IF YOU WILL, A WORLD WHERE EVERY TWEET AND MEME MUST BE FACT CHECKED BUT NOT A BALLOT.
HOW TO STOP DRUNK DRIVERS FROM KILLING SOBER DRIVERS? BAN SOBER DRIVERS FROM DRIVING. THAT'S EXACTLY HOW GUN CONTROL WORKS.
CAN WE STILL ORDER BLACK COFFEE? ARE BROWNIES BEING TAKEN OFF THE SHELF? IS WHITE CASTLE CHANGING IT'S NAME? I'M SURE CRACKER BARREL IS SCREWED. CAN WE STILL PLAY CHINESE CHECKERS? IS THAT SEASON STILL CALLED INDIAN SUMMER? NO MORE ITALIAN SAUSAGES? HOW FAR DO YOU WANT TO GO WITH THIS FOOLISHNESS?
HECK OF A JOB, DEMOCRATS! YOU'VE MANAGED TO BRING BACK THE 1918 PANDEMIC, THE 1929 DEPRESSION, THE 1968 RACE RIOTS AND THE 1973 GAS PRICES - ALL AT THE SAME TIME.
and my wife didn’t wish me a happy birthday in the morning before I went to work.
My parents forgot too and so did my kids.
I got into work and even my colleagues didn’t wish me a happy birthday. I was really sad because everyone had forgotten my birthday! But then as I walked into my office, my secretary smiled and said to me, “Happy birthday, boss!”
Because everyone else had forgotten, I felt so special so when my secretary asked me if I wanted to go for lunch with her I jumped at the chance.
After we’d eaten lunch, she invited me back to her apartment and again I jumped at the chance. When we got there, she asked, “Do you mind if I just go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable?”
“No problem, I’ll just wait here,” I said.
Five minutes later my secretary came back out of the bedroom with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, “SURPRISE!!!”…
I just sat there on the couch with nothing on but my socks.
A park ranger catches a hunter in the act of eating a spotted owl. Feathers and bones surround his campfire.
The ranger says, "The spotted owl is a highly endangered species. Killing one is a federal crime."
The man says, "Yes, I admit that I killed and ate that owl. However, in my defense, I was lost in the wilderness for three days and frankly I was starving. The bird flew directly at me; I raised my gun and I fired. I didn't have time to identify the species. I am genuinely sorry. When I get home, I promise to make a significant donation to the Environmental Defense Fund, and I promise to never do it again."
The ranger thinks about it and says, "Well, under the circumstances I guess we could let you off with a warning. But, I'm curious: what did it taste like?"
An old man had died. His funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.
Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Go up there and take a look in the coffin and make sure that is your father in there."