jocularity
- Thread starter kidoggy
- Start date
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.
His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You’re beautiful!” and then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side.
A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said “You’re cute!”
Well, the wife was dissappointed because instead of “beautiful” it was “cute.”
She said “What happened to ‘beautiful’?
His reply was “The drugs are wearing off!”
His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You’re beautiful!” and then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side.
A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said “You’re cute!”
Well, the wife was dissappointed because instead of “beautiful” it was “cute.”
She said “What happened to ‘beautiful’?
His reply was “The drugs are wearing off!”
A farmer drove over to his neighbor’s house and knocked on the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door.
“Is your mom or dad home?” The farmer asked the boy
“No, they went in to town.” The boy replied
“Well, how about your brother Howard?” The farmer asked
“No, he went with mom and dad.” The boy said
The farmer stood there for a minute shifting from one foot to another and mumbling when the boy says
“I know where the tools are if you need to borrow one or I could give my dad a message for you.”
“Well,” The farmer said uncomfortably “I wanted to talk to your dad about your brother Howard getting my daughter pregnant.”
The boy thought for a moment then said
“You’ll have to talk to my dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard.”
A boy, about 9, opened the door.
“Is your mom or dad home?” The farmer asked the boy
“No, they went in to town.” The boy replied
“Well, how about your brother Howard?” The farmer asked
“No, he went with mom and dad.” The boy said
The farmer stood there for a minute shifting from one foot to another and mumbling when the boy says
“I know where the tools are if you need to borrow one or I could give my dad a message for you.”
“Well,” The farmer said uncomfortably “I wanted to talk to your dad about your brother Howard getting my daughter pregnant.”
The boy thought for a moment then said
“You’ll have to talk to my dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard.”
JimP
Administrator
Bud the Cowboy...
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote pasture in central Texas,
when suddenly a brand-new 2015 BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man named Cliff in a Brioni? suit, Gucci? shoes, RayBan?
sunglasses and YSL? tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you
exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing
herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell? notebook computer, connects it to his
Apple iPhone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS
satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA
satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop? and exports it to
an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Apple iPad? that the image has been
processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL? database through an
ODBC connected Excel? spreadsheet with email on his Galaxy S5? and, after a few
minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet?
printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the
young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you
give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman for the U.S.Government," says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called
you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions
of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't
know anything about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a
herd of sheep.”
“Now give me back my dog.”
AND THAT, FOLKS, IS THE PROBLEM...
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote pasture in central Texas,
when suddenly a brand-new 2015 BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man named Cliff in a Brioni? suit, Gucci? shoes, RayBan?
sunglasses and YSL? tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you
exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing
herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell? notebook computer, connects it to his
Apple iPhone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS
satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA
satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop? and exports it to
an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Apple iPad? that the image has been
processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL? database through an
ODBC connected Excel? spreadsheet with email on his Galaxy S5? and, after a few
minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet?
printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the
young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you
give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Congressman for the U.S.Government," says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called
you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions
of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't
know anything about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a
herd of sheep.”
“Now give me back my dog.”
AND THAT, FOLKS, IS THE PROBLEM...
JimP
Administrator
Tommy and Margaret are out on their first date.
Tommy decides to take her to the County Fair. Margaret is being very quiet so Tommy takes her on a few rides and asks "Well what do you want to do next?"
"I wanna get weighed." replies Margaret.
So they go to the guess-your-weight booth and BAM, the guy's right on the money.
So they go on a few more rides and Tommy says "Well what do you want to do next?"
"I wanna get WEIGHED" came her reply.
"Odd" thought Tommy. But he took her straight to the guess-your-weight booth, and again BAM he was right on the money.
Tommy took her on one more ride and when they got off, Margaret put her hands on her hips. "I wanna get weighed!"
"This is BULLSHIT" Tommy screamed. "Find your own way home" And he left.
When Margaret finally got home her mother asked her, "How was your date, dear?"
Margaret threw her purse on the couch. "WOWSY!"
Tommy decides to take her to the County Fair. Margaret is being very quiet so Tommy takes her on a few rides and asks "Well what do you want to do next?"
"I wanna get weighed." replies Margaret.
So they go to the guess-your-weight booth and BAM, the guy's right on the money.
So they go on a few more rides and Tommy says "Well what do you want to do next?"
"I wanna get WEIGHED" came her reply.
"Odd" thought Tommy. But he took her straight to the guess-your-weight booth, and again BAM he was right on the money.
Tommy took her on one more ride and when they got off, Margaret put her hands on her hips. "I wanna get weighed!"
"This is BULLSHIT" Tommy screamed. "Find your own way home" And he left.
When Margaret finally got home her mother asked her, "How was your date, dear?"
Margaret threw her purse on the couch. "WOWSY!"
Prerylyon
Veteran member
JimP
Administrator
dirtclod Az.
Veteran member
Bonecollector
Veteran member
I generally just tell them yes yer a lil on the hefty side.
seriously what're they gonna do cut me off from riding the blob??
A woman who had been married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding. "Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?"
The bride-to-be said, "A long, frilly, white dress with a veil."
"Please don't take this the wrong way, madam, but such dresses are usually more fitting for the first time bride who is more innocent in the ways of life, if you get my meaning."
"WELL!," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, "I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our honeymoon hotel.
My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon hotel that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again."
"What about your third husband?"
"That one was a DEMOCRAT ", said the woman, "and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened."
The bride-to-be said, "A long, frilly, white dress with a veil."
"Please don't take this the wrong way, madam, but such dresses are usually more fitting for the first time bride who is more innocent in the ways of life, if you get my meaning."
"WELL!," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, "I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our honeymoon hotel.
My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon hotel that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again."
"What about your third husband?"
"That one was a DEMOCRAT ", said the woman, "and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened."