jocularity

JimP

JimP

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Mar 28, 2016
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Gypsum, Co
For my next Trick I’m going to try and deliberately Offend the Elderly:

A 85-year-old man is having a drink in By The Docks' bar.
Suddenly a gorgeous girl enters and sits down a few seats away.
The girl is so attractive that he just can't take his eyes off her.
After a short while, the girl notices him staring, and approaches him.
Before Norman has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone:
"I'll do anything you'd like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn't matter how extreme or unusual it is, I'm game.
I want $100, and there's another condition".
Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, Norman asks her what her condition is.
"You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
Norman takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman.
Norman whips out his wallet and puts $100 dollars in her hand...
He then looks her square in the eyes, and says slowly and clearly: "Paint my house."
Our needs change as we get older, and we tend to look for bargains
 
RICMIC

RICMIC

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Feb 21, 2012
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Two Harbors, Minnesota
JimP said:
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager?s door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new Employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo?s all over the factory floor and they?re really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo?s. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo?s legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .
?I?m sorry,? he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, ?but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday.?
?Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.?
Click to expand...
Be nice Jim, I married that girl.
 
kidoggy

kidoggy

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Apr 23, 2016
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She hurried to
the pharmacy to get medication, got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside.

The woman found
an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground. She looked at it and said:

"I don't know
how to use this."

She bowed her head
and asked God to send her some HELP.

Within 5 minutes
a beat-up old motorcycle pulled up, driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag. He got off of his
cycle and asked if he could help.

She said:

"Yes, my daughter
is sick. I've locked my keys in my car I must get home.
Please, can
you use this hanger to unlock my car?"

He said,
"Sure."

He walked over
to the car, and in less than a minute.The car was open.

She hugged the
man and through tears said:

"Thank You,
God, for sending me such a very nice man."

The man heard her
little prayer and replied :

"Lady, I am
NOT a nice man. I just got out of prison yesterday; I was in prison for car theft.."

The woman hugged
the man again, sobbing,

"Oh, thank
you, God! You even sent me a Professional!"

Is
GOD great or what!?!






happy thanksgiving all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
kidoggy

kidoggy

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I thought I was a little too drunk last night.
I cooked my pizza for 375 minutes at 18 degrees.
 
dirtclod Az.

dirtclod Az.

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Jan 26, 2018
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446
Arizona
Been there done that...Too much Tabasco,chased with more beer makes you forget it's still frozen.:cool:
Good thing your back this Am.Blonde jokes aren't flyin':cool:
 
kidoggy

kidoggy

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What happens when you predict snow but don't get any? A true story.
We had a female news anchor who the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too!
 
kidoggy

kidoggy

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Two men were out playing golf on a nice Saturday afternoon.

They were getting frustrated, though, because the two women who were playing right in front of them were quite slow, and were holding up the men's game.

"Don't they know they are supposed to let us play through?!" asked the first man.

The other man shook his head.

"I'm going to go ask them if we can play through," said the first man, emphatically, "Enough is enough!"

He started walking over toward the women, but as he got close, he suddenly turned around and came back, white as a ghost.

"Oh God," he said to his friend, "This is awful. You're going to have to ask those women if we can play through. You see, one of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress!"

The other man shrugged, and said "No sweat, I'll talk to them."

He walked over toward the women, and just as he was getting close, turned around and came running back to his pal. His eyes wide open, he said - "Small world isn't it!"
 
kidoggy

kidoggy

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I was just a young boy when it happened, and I didn't really know what they
were talking about at the time. But I remember it pretty well, mostly
because of how the audience (and my parents) reacted. You won't see it
replayed because it resulted in a lawsuit, and Carson Productions probably
is restrained from ever showing it again. But I'm sure it's locked away
somewhere in their archives. Those who remember it probably already know
what I'm referring to without my even telling you what it was. But for
those who don't recall it, here's how I remember it:

Winnie Palmer, wife of Arnold, was seated on the couch, next to her husband
Arnold, who was a headline guest on The Tonight Show. Arnie had just won a
big tournament. I have no idea which one, but I would guess it was probably
The Masters or a US Open, since talk shows don't make it a habit of inviting
golfers to be guests except right after a big event for which there was
national interest. Although back in those days (the early '60s), Arnie was
such a media darling, it could have been just about any time.

Anyway, Johnny turned to Winnie and asked her if she had any superstitions
before her husband played in a big tournament.

Winnie replied, "I kiss his balls."

Well, the audience erupted in laughter, and as Johnny did his usual facial
expressions, it just fed the laughter further. The laughter seemed to go on
for a minute or two. The Palmers squirmed uncomfortably.

And then Johnny made a crack about Arnie's putter. The way I remember it
(which could be wrong), it was something like, "I'll bet that made his putter flutter!"

Another 2-3 minutes of laughter.





The Palmers weren't so amused, and they sued Carson (for defamation of
character, I believe), the outcome of which I have no idea about (although
it's unlikely they would have won such a suit, since malicious intent must
be proven).

But it was classic Carson.
 
kidoggy

kidoggy

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dirtclod Az. said:
So the Palmers busted thier own balls and sued?Classic!
I kiss his balls!:cool:
Click to expand...
I believe the way it actually went down was …."wash his balls ",

don't know if they still have them but golf coarses used to have a little machines where you could wash your golf balls .

back then people were cheap and poor . not like today were you just throw out the old and replace.


but joke works either way
 
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