jocularity

[87TT]

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a stunningly beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight black leather mini skirt with matching leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on the bus, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus first step.
So, slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still could not make the step. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more.
And for a second time she attempted the step and once again, much to her dismay, she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.
About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.
The pretty young woman went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!!!"
At this the Texan drawled, "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind of figured that we were friends."

 

[El Serio]

A guy goes into the doctors complaining about his hearing.

"Could you describe the symptoms?" the doctor asks.

"Yeah sure" the guy replies "Homer is a bald, fat, yellow guy and Marge is a skinny woman with blue hair"

 

[El Serio]

I recently entered a competition to see who’s gained the most weight and lost the most hair. Obviously it wasn’t called that, it was advertised as a ‘High School Reunion’.

 

[El Serio]

A minister, a priest and a rabbit walk into a bar. The bartender takes drink orders from the minister and the priest, then asks the rabbit "What are you doing here?". The rabbit replies " I don't know - I'm only here because of auto-correct!".

 

[El Serio]

What did Dorothy reply when the Wizard of Oz asked about her preferred banking method?

ATM!! ATM!!

 

[El Serio]

 

[kidoggy]

View attachment 43327

well, in many cases this is not wrong. some outfits have high turnover. that might change if they better compensated their employees. and on the other hand many employees are getting paid twice what they are worth even at minimum wage.

 

[El Serio]

 

[BrandonM]

Chuck Norris trained his dog to pick up his own poop...cuz Chuck Norris doesn't take crap from anyone

 

[kidoggy]

One day, a father, on his way home from work suddenly remembers that it's his daughter’s birthday. He stops at a toy store and goes in and asks the salesperson, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?"

The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean?" "We have, work out Barbie for $19.95, shopping Barbie for $19.95, beach Barbie for $19.95, disco Barbie for $19.95, astronaut Barbie for $19.95, skater Barbie for $19.95, and divorced Barbie for $265.95".

The amazed father asks: "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"

The slightly miffed salesgirl rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's truck, Ken's house, Ken's fishing boat, Ken's furniture, Ken's dog, Ken's computer, one of Ken's friends, and a key chain made from Ken's testicles."

 

[El Serio]

I found a vinyl record in the attic, titled "The Sound of the Wasp." I put it on the turntable. After a few seconds, I said to myself "This doesn't sound anything like a wasp!"

Then I discovered I was listening to the B side

 

[El Serio]

 

[idcwby]

 

[kidoggy]

View attachment 43743

no need to be.
trans is in!
he could hang with johnson tucker.

 

[idcwby]

A mom texts, “Hi! Son, what do IDK, LY and TTYL mean?” He texts back, “I don’t know, love you and talk to you later.”

The mom replies, “It’s OK, don’t worry about it. I’ll ask your sister. Love you too.”

 

[idcwby]

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you?! You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

 

[idcwby]

A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. Her parents are appalled by his haircut, his tattoos, his piercings, and his language. Later, the girl’s mom says, “Dear, he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy.” “Oh, please, Mom!” says the daughter. “If he wasn’t nice, would he be doing 500 hours of community service?”

 

[idcwby]

A pale-looking man staggers into a bar and says "Get me ten double shots of your best whisky." The bartender does this, and the man slugs them down one after another, until he's knocked back the lot in less than a minute. Worried, the bartender asks, "Why are you hitting the bottle so hard?" "You'd drink this fast if you'd got what I've got," says the man. Wondering what terrible affliction this might be, the bartender asks, "What have you got?" The man replies, "About eighty five cents."

 

[idcwby]

So a kindergarten teacher was walking around and observing her classroom of children.. while they were drawing pictures. As she got to one girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

 

[idcwby]