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Thread: jocularity

  1. #291
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    A cop stopped me for speeding.

    He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it."
    AS GOES THE CHURCH, SO GOES THE NATION

  2. #292
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    God visited a woman and told

    her she must give up smoking, drinking and
    unmarried sex if she wants to get into Heaven. The woman said she would try
    her best.

    God visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on.

    "Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking but then I
    bent over to look in the freezer, my boyfriend caught sight
    of my long slender legs in high heels, he pulled up my skirt, pulled my
    panties to one side and made love to me right then and there."

    "They don't like that in Heaven", said God.

    The woman replied: "They're not crazy about it at Costco either!
    Last edited by kidoggy; 02-01-2018 at 07:39 AM.
    AS GOES THE CHURCH, SO GOES THE NATION

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  4. #293
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    On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me...

    "If you ever come close to me, I'll skin you alive.
    When we're sleeping, you don't touch me. You hear me?
    Don't ever talk to me, either."

    " great." I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."
    AS GOES THE CHURCH, SO GOES THE NATION

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  6. #294
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    A man got stopped by a Game Warden with his basket full of fish.
    Warden: do you have a permit for all these fish?
    Man: no sir. These are all my pet fish.
    Warden: your pet fish? How's that?
    Man: well, every night I take all my pet fish for a walk to the lake, I let them swim for about half hour and then I whistle and they all come back and jump in my basket and we go home. We do this every night.
    Warden: Well that's just a crock of lies!!
    Man: here I'll show you... (Releases the fish in the lake)
    Warden: well this I got to see!!
    5 minutes later...
    Warden: well??
    Man: what?
    Warden: the fish!! Where's your pet fish??
    Man: what fish??
    AS GOES THE CHURCH, SO GOES THE NATION

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  8. #295
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    One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in stunningly sexy lingerie. "Tie me up," she purred, "And you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went fishing
    AS GOES THE CHURCH, SO GOES THE NATION

  9. #296
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    I hear exaggerations are up

    by like a billion percent this year.




    I saw a job request for a male porno star

    I bet the competition is really stiff
    Last edited by kidoggy; 02-04-2018 at 08:53 AM.
    AS GOES THE CHURCH, SO GOES THE NATION

  10. #297
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    Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that, in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.

    Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist. They put up a sign reading "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors."

    The town council was livid and insisted they change it.

    So, the docs changed it to read: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." This was also not acceptable, so they again changed the sign.

    "Catatonics and High Colonics". . .no go.

    Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives" . . . thumbs down.

    Then came "Minds and Behinds" . . . still no good.

    Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes" . . . unacceptable!

    So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts" . . . not a chance.

    "Nuts and Butts" . . . no way.

    "Freaks and Cheeks" . . . still no good.

    "Loons and Moons" . . . forget it.

    The docs finally came up with “Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Odds and Ends.”
    Everyone loved it!
    AS GOES THE CHURCH, SO GOES THE NATION

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  12. #298
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    A man with a stutter goes to see his doctor

    "Is the stutter getting better with those exercises I gave you?" asks the doctor.

    "It's b-b-better. But my dad calls me D-D-Donkey" the man replies.

    "Why does he call you Donkey?" asks the doctor.

    "No idea, but he aw he aw he aw he always calls me that."
    AS GOES THE CHURCH, SO GOES THE NATION

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  14. #299
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    A woman took her duck to the vet and laid it on the table. The vet looked the duck over and said "I am sorry ma'am but your duck is dead". The lady asks "Are you sure, please tell me he's not dead. Are there any other tests to make sure?" The vet grudgingly leaves the room and brings back a black lab and walks him up to the table. The lab sniffs the duck and sits down, looks up to the vet with sad eyes and shakes his head no. The vet leaves the room and brings back a cat and sets it on the table next to the duck. The cat sniffs the duck up and down then sits back and looks up at the vet shaking his head. The vet removes the cat and tells the lady "I am sorry but your duck is dead and there isn't anything we can do". The vet hands the lady a bill and she gasps "$400! All you did was tell me my duck was dead, why so expensive?" The vet says "It would have only been $50 but you asked for tests and I gave you a lab report and a cat scan which are expensive."

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  16. #300
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    This is a nice thread I look for every day. Thanks Kidoggy and other contributors!!!!
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