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Thread: jocularity

  1. #531
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    Dear Abby.....

    The other day while standing by my bedroom window, I saw my neighbor's daughter sunbathing topless in her back yard. As I was knocking one out of the park, I turned to notice my Wife standing there, arms crossed and staring at me......Is she a pervert?
    AS GOES THE CHURCH, SO GOES THE NATION

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  3. #532
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    Two nuns are walking down a dark alley one night.

    Two men suddenly jump out of the shadows and start to rape them. The first nun looks up toward heaven and says, "Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they are doing."

    The second nun looks up and says, "This one does!"
    AS GOES THE CHURCH, SO GOES THE NATION

  4. #533
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    My dog swallowed the TV remote control.

    So now I have to pat his stomach to get CNN, rub his neck to get FOX, stroke his back to get MSNBC... and I’ve decided to give up watching ESPN.
    AS GOES THE CHURCH, SO GOES THE NATION

  5. #534
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    Quote Originally Posted by kidoggy View Post
    no pleasing her...
    My wife called today and said the dishwasher was leaking...

    so i came home with tampons...

    i'm sleeping on the couch tonight
    thank you, busted out laughing at this one!

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  7. #535
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    Three men go fishing in a boat. The boat sinks and they all die. At the pearly gates St. Peter is waiting and says to the 3 men: "I'm going to ask each of you a single question and how you answer will determine what type of vehicle you will drive here in heaven." St. Peter asked the first man, "How mant times have you cheated on your wife?" The man replies, "Only 3 times." St. Peter says, "Wrong, 7 times!" He gives the man a rusted out VW. He asked the second man. "How many times have you cheated on your wife?" The man replies, "Only twice" St.Peter says, "Wrong 3 times, but not too bad." He gives the man a Cutlass Supreme. Finally he asked the third man, "How many times have you cheated on your wife?" The man replies, "Only once and I told her right away and she forgave me." St. Peter says, "Your correct, very good." He gives the man a brand new Cadillac! They all get in there cars an go to a bar on the board walk. Looking out the window the man with the Cadillac begins to cry. The man with the rusted out VW says, "Why are you crying? Look a the junky car I got." The next man says "Really why are you crying? I got a Cutlass and you got a new Cadillac." The man with the Cadillac in tears says, "I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard!"
    AS GOES THE CHURCH, SO GOES THE NATION

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  9. #536
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    An Arab sheik says to an American tourist. “Mr. Smith, your wife, she is beautiful. I have to have her. I will trade you her weight in gold.”

    Mr. Smith says, “Give me a few days.”

    The sheik asks, “To think it over?”

    Mr. Smith says, “ no, To fatten her up!”
    AS GOES THE CHURCH, SO GOES THE NATION

  10. #537
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    NOT REALLY FUNNY. JUST TRUE.

    California....(the libbie way)

    The Governor Brown of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor's dog, then bites the Governor.

    The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.

    He calls animal control. Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the state $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.

    He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases.

    The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged..

    The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals.

    The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a "coyote awareness program" for residents of the area.

    The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.

    The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack. The state spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training on the nature of coyotes.

    PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit against the state.


    Texas....(Everyone else)

    The Governor of Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks his dog.

    The Governor shoots the coyote with his state-issued pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.

    The buzzards eat the dead coyote.
    AS GOES THE CHURCH, SO GOES THE NATION

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  12. #538
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    Thats no Joke
    Last edited by dustin ray; 05-18-2018 at 07:09 PM.
    Trying like hell to live the dream,Nomad

  13. #539
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    Quote Originally Posted by kidoggy View Post
    no pleasing her...
    My wife called today and said the dishwasher was leaking...

    so i came home with tampons...

    i'm sleeping on the couch tonight
    Good thing you didn’t go out and get another dishwasher!

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  15. #540
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    An outspoken atheist explorer was in the depths of the Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself "Oh God, I'm screwed!"

    A ray of light shines down from heaven and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."

    So, the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living shit out of the chief. As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily, surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, God's voice booms out again: "Okay…NOW you're screwed."…
    AS GOES THE CHURCH, SO GOES THE NATION

 

 
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