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Thread: jocularity

  1. #651
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    Turn on your volume



    If you don't care where you are, you are not lost....

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  3. #652
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  5. #653
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    A lot of women actually turn into good drivers,

    so if you're a good driver, watch out for women turning.
    AS GOES THE CHURCH, SO GOES THE NATION

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  7. #654
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    A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth,
    sits down, but says nothing. The priest coughs a few times to get his
    attention but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the priest
    pounds three times on the wall.
    The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin', there's no paper on this side either!"
    AS GOES THE CHURCH, SO GOES THE NATION

  8. #655
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    Marriage is like a public Porta-Potty.

    Those waiting in line outside are desperate to get in.
    Those that are inside, are desperate to get out
    AS GOES THE CHURCH, SO GOES THE NATION

  9. #656
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    Doctor tells guy he has a brain tumor and won't survive the night.
    Guy goes home and gives his wife the bad news. Wife says, "Oh my god, I'm so sorry! How would you like to spend your last night alive?"
    Guy says, "I want to make love with you before I die." They have sex, and it's the best they've ever had.
    Two hours later, guy says, "I want to make love with you again before I die." They have sex again, and it's even better.
    Two hours later, guy says, "I want to make love one more time before I die." Wife, annoyed, says, "Look, some of us have to get up in the morning."
    AS GOES THE CHURCH, SO GOES THE NATION

  10. #657
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    A man bought a lie detector robot. Every time the robot detects a lie, it slaps the liar. He decided to test it at dinner on his son, who he suspected of often lying to him.

    DAD: Son where were you today during school hours?

    SON: At school (robot slaps son) ouch! Okay okay, I went to the movies!

    DAD: Which one?

    SON: Harry Potter (robot slaps son again). Ow! Okay, jeez - I was watching porn, okay?

    DAD: What? When I was your age I didn’t even know what porn was! (robot slaps Dad)

    MOM: laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."

    The Robot slaps the mother...
    AS GOES THE CHURCH, SO GOES THE NATION

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  12. #658
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    A little girl leaning into a lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. A biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
    Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings the girl to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and bravest thing I've seen a man do in my whole life
    The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.'
    The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page. So, what do you do for a living, and what political affiliation do you have?
    'The biker replies "I'm a U.S. Marine, a Republican and I voted for Trump".
    The journalist leaves.
    The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads on the front page:
    ** U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT & STEALS HIS LUNCH. **
    And THAT pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these day's.
    If you don't care where you are, you are not lost....

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  14. #659
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    A tourist in Hawaii is amazed at how healthy and invigorated he feels after just a few days into visiting the islands. He strikes up a conversation with one of the locals while they are wading out into the crystal clear, warm surf on yet another perfect island day. "I just cant get over how beautiful this place is," the tourist says excitedly, "I feel great! I haven't felt this young and healthy in years! Island life is fantastic!" The local says, "I know what you mean! Take me for instance. When I came here I was totally bald, didn't have any teeth and I couldn't even walk...and look at me now!" The tourist looks at him and says, "Wow, that's amazing! How long have you been here?" And the local says, "Oh, I was born here.
    AS GOES THE CHURCH, SO GOES THE NATION

 

 
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