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Thread: jocularity

  1. #311
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    An American, a Mexican and an Italian robbed a bank. As it turned out, they got a lot of cash in Dollars, Pesos and Liras.
    When they returned back to their hide-out, the American distributed the money in three even shares. He counted each portion aloud:

    "1000 Dollars for me, 1000 Pesos for you, 1000 liras for you ...
    1000 Dollars for me, 1000 Pesos for you, 1000 liras for you ...
    1000 Dollars for me, 1000 Pesos for you, 1000 liras for you ..."

    The Mexican said to the Italian, "Well I can't stand these Yankees, but I have to admit they are honest.
    AS GOES THE CHURCH, SO GOES THE NATION

  2. #312
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    Thats when the fight started
    One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
    The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
    When she asked me why, I replied,
    "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
    that's when the fight started.....
    Trying like hell to live the dream,Nomad

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  4. #313
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    2 young brothers, 6 and 4, were outside playing one day, when the oldest declared that it was time for them to learn how to cuss.
    The older one said "When we go inside for lunch I'm going to say hell and you say a$$." They both agreed.
    When they went in for lunch the mother asked the oldest what he wanted to eat for lunch.
    "Aw hell mom, I'll just have cereal."
    His mother smacked him to the floor, picked him up by the ear and kicked him, screaming, sobbing and yelling all the way to his room.
    She slammed his door and told him not to come out until she told him to.
    She went back to the kitchen and asked his younger brother what he wanted to eat for lunch.
    He said " You can bet your a$$ it isn't cereal!"

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  6. #314
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    A farmer drove to his neighbor's house and knocked on the door. A boy about 9 answered the door.
    "Is your dad or mom home?" asked the farmer.
    "No, they went to town." replied the boy.
    "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
    "No, he went with Dad and Mom."
    The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting feet and mumbling to himself.
    "I know where all the tools are, if you need to borrow something, or I can leave Dad a message." said the boy.
    "Well," said the farmer, uncomfortably, "I really want to talk to your dad. It's about your brother, Howard, getting my daughter Suzie pregnant."
    The boy thought for a moment.
    "You'd have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

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  8. #315
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    Kim Jong-Un announced yesterday that North Korea will be sending a man to the sun within ten years!

    A reporter asked, "But the sun is too hot. How can your man land on the sun?”

    There was a stunned silence while the reporter was beaten. Nobody seemed to know how to react.

    Kim Jong-Un quietly answered. "We will land at night."

    The gathering and everyone in North Korea watching on television broke into thunderous applause.

    Meanwhile, back in Washington, Nancy Pelosi and her entourage were watching Kim's announcement on TV at the DNC headquarters.

    When Nancy heard what Kim had just said, she sneered - "What an idiot. Everybody knows there’s no sun at night.”

    Her office and everyone working in the DNC broke into thunderous applause.
    AS GOES THE CHURCH, SO GOES THE NATION

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  10. #316
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    Good stuff, haven't looked at this in a few days.
    www.eastmans.com
    blog.eastmans.com
    www.wingmen.us

  11. #317
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    Dear Tide,
    I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have Ive used it since the beginning of my married life, when my Mom told me it was the best. Now that I am older and going through menopause, I find it even better

    In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My unfeeling and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.
    Well one thing led to another and I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out.

    After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out

    In fact, the stains came out so well, that when the detectives w ho came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative.

    Later, my attorney called and said that I would no longer be considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief.

    I thank you, once again, for having such a great product. Well, gotta go now, I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people. ...
    AS GOES THE CHURCH, SO GOES THE NATION

  12. #318
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    15 feb at 08:48 ?
    Things can get out of hand pretty quickly in these times.
    What a morning...

    8:00 I made a snowman.
    8:10 A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.
    8:15 I made a snow woman.
    8:17 The nanny of the neighbours complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest.
    8:20 The gay couple living nearby grumbled that it could have been two snowmen instead.
    8:25 The vegans at No. 12 complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.
    8:28 I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
    8:31 The Muslim gent across the road wants the snow woman to wear a headscarf.
    8:40 Someone calls the cops who show up to see what's going on.
    8:42 I am told that the broomstick of the snowman needs to be removed because it could be used as a deadly weapon. Things get worse after I mutter : "Yeah, if it's up your a***"
    8:52 My phone is seized and thoroughly checked while I am blindfolded and flown to the police station in a helicopter.
    9:00 I'm on the news as a suspected terrorist bent on stirring up trouble at this sensitive time.
    9:10 I am asked if I have any accomplices.
    9:29 ISIS just claimed responsibility..
    AS GOES THE CHURCH, SO GOES THE NATION

  13. #319
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    Wife called,

    "Three girls in my office just received flowers, they're absolutely gorgeous"

    I said "That's probably why they received flowers".


    an then the fight started
    AS GOES THE CHURCH, SO GOES THE NATION

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  15. #320
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    A man walked into a therapist’s office looking very depressed. “Doc, you’ve got to help me. I can’t go on like this.”

    “What’s the problem?” the doctor inquired.

    “Well, I’m 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away.”

    “My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you’ll have women buzzing all around you.”

    The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face.

    “Did my advice not work?” asked the doctor.

    “It worked alright. For the past several weeks I’ve enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women.”

    “So, what’s your problem?”

    “I don’t have a problem,” the man replied. “My wife does.”

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