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  1. #381
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    A CEO (member of Fortune 500) throwing a party takes his executives on a tour of his spectacular mansion. In the back of the property, the CEO has the largest swimming pool any of them has ever seen. The huge pool, however, is filled with hungry crocodiles. The CEO says to his executives “I think an executive should be measured by bravery. Bravery is what made me a CEO. So this is my challenge to each of you: if anyone is enough brave to dive into the pool, swim through those alligators, and make it to the other side, I will give that man everything they desire. My job, money, house anything!” Everyone laughs at the outrageous offer and proceeds to follow the CEO on the tour of the estate. Abruptly, they hear a loud splash. Everyone turns around and sees the CAO (Chief Administrative Officer) in the pool, swimming for his life. He dodges the crocodiles left and right and makes it to the edge of the pool with seconds to spare. He pulls himself out just as a giant crocodile snaps at his shoes. The flabbergasted CEO approaches the CAO and says, “You are incredible. I’ve never seen anything like it in my life. You are brave beyond measure and anything I own is yours. Tell me what I can do for you.”

    The CAO, panting for breath, looks up and says, “You can tell me who the hell pushed me in the pool!!”

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  3. #382
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    My masseuse asked if I wanted a "Happy Ending"

    I said "SURE" and whipped off my towel.

    She pointed, laughed, and left.
    AS GOES THE CHURCH, SO GOES THE NATION

  4. #383
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    A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, “Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.” The grandfather replies, “I’ll bet you five dollars you can’t. It’s too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole.”

    The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole.

    The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says,

    “Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars.”

    The grandfather replies, “I know. That’s from your grandma.”

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  6. #384
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    One day at confession...

    A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."
    The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
    The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
    The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box."
    The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!"
    The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!"
    AS GOES THE CHURCH, SO GOES THE NATION

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  8. #385
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    A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he’s drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone’s amazement, somehow swallows it whole.

    The bartender screams at the guy “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

    The guy says “No, what?” “He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!”

    “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy. “He eats everything in sight. Sorry. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.” He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

    Two weeks later he’s in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.

    “Did you see what your monkey did now?” he asks.

    “No, what?” replies the guy. “Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!” said the bartender.

    “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy. ” He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first…”

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  10. #386
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    What do you call Stephen Hawking on fire?

    Hot wheels.



    WHY DID STEPHAN DO ONE LINERS?
    because he couldn't do stand up.


    R.I.P.
    Last edited by kidoggy; 03-15-2018 at 06:26 AM.
    AS GOES THE CHURCH, SO GOES THE NATION

  11. #387
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    Little Johnny's father asks him if he knows about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" Little Johnny says, bursting into tears. Confused, his father asks what's wrong. "Oh, Dad," Little Johnny sobs, "first, there was no Santa Claus, then no Easter Bunny, and finally, no Tooth Fairy. If you're about to tell me that grownups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to believe in."
    AS GOES THE CHURCH, SO GOES THE NATION

  12. #388
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    It was George the Mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

    When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

    At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

    The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

    At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

    When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.

    When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge.

    “All this was just too wonderful for words,” he said, “But what’s the dollar for?”

    “Well,” she said, “Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you.

    He said, “Screw him. Give him a dollar.” The breakfast was my idea.”

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  14. #389
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    Fttpow thanks. Beer out the nose!

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    o old guys were sitting in the park talking,

    when the subject turned to getting older. The first guy said, “Women have all the luck when it comes to getting older.”

    “What do you mean?” asked the second guy.

    “Well,” replied the first, “I can barely remember the last time I got aroused in bed, but my wife is healthier than ever!”

    “Healthier? How is that?” his buddy wondered.

    “Years ago, when we were younger, almost every night before bed she’d get these terrible headaches,” he answered. “Now that we’re older, she hasn’t had a headache in years."
    AS GOES THE CHURCH, SO GOES THE NATION

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