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Thread: jocularity

  1. #721
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    OK JimP...Today at the bank an old lady asked me to help check her balance.So I pushed her over.

    Bought some shoes from a drug dealer,Don't know what he laced them with...but I been tripping all day!

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  3. #722
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    A cop was patrolling...
    Late at night in a well-known lover’s spot, famous for all obscene activities. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.

    The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver’s window.
    The young man lowers his window. “Uh, yes, officer?”
    The cop says: “What are you doing?”
    The young man says: “Well Officer, I’m reading a magazine.”
    Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: “And her, what is she doing?”
    The young man shrugs: “Sir, I believe she’s knitting a pullover sweater.”
    Now, the cop is totally confused.. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a Lover’s lane… and nothing obscene is happening!
    The cop asks: “What’s your age, young man?”
    The young man says “I’m 22, sir.”
    The cop asks: “And her…what’s her age?”
    The young man looks at his watch and replies:

    “She’ll be 18 in 11 minutes.

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  5. #723
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    Being cremated is my last hope for a smoking hot body.
    AS GOES THE CHURCH, SO GOES THE NATION

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  7. #724
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    Two guys are chatting in a bar

    One says, "Did you know lions have sex 10 to 15 times a night?" "Damn!", says his friend. "And i just joined the Elks."
    AS GOES THE CHURCH, SO GOES THE NATION

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  9. #725
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    Last night

    My wife put on a sexy cop outfit and arrested me on suspicion of being good in bed.

    After a short trial, I was found not guilty.
    AS GOES THE CHURCH, SO GOES THE NATION

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  11. #726
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    What do you call a fish without eyes?FSH.

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  13. #727
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    A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost. She lowers her altitude and spots a man fishing from a boat below. She shouts to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

    The man consults his portable GPS and replies, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

    She rolls her eyes and says, "You must be a Republican!"

    "I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"

    "Well," answers the balloonist, "everything you tell me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you're not much help to me."

    The man smiles and responds, "You must be a Democrat."

    "I am, replies the balloonist. "How did you know?"

    "Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault."
    If you don't care where you are, you are not lost....

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  15. #728
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    I don’t understand people who don’t like dogs...

    Seriously, you probably didn’t use the right kind of sauce
    AS GOES THE CHURCH, SO GOES THE NATION

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  17. #729
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    So these two ladies walk into a mortician's office.

    The first woman says to the mortician, "I've got my husband here in his very best blue suit, but what I'd really appreciate is if you could have him in a black suit for the funeral. Here's a blank check, use whatever you need, I just want him in a black suit."

    The mortician agrees and thanks the woman and the first woman leaves. Now the second woman comes in and says, "I know I've brought my husband wearing a black suit, but I've always really loved him in blue. Is there any way you can have him in a blue suit for his funeral?"

    The mortician assures her that it's not a problem and the second woman thanks her and leaves. A few days later the mortician shows up at the first man's funeral and his widow walks up and says, "Thank you so much for doing this. My husband looks wonderful in the black suit you found him."

    The mortician replies, "Of course, I was happy to do it. And here's your check back."

    "No, I really appreciate it and I want to pay you, just take whatever you need."

    "Oh no really, it didn't cost me anything. You see, right after you came in a woman showed up with her husband in a black suit and she wanted him wearing blue. So in the end all I had to do was switch the heads.
    AS GOES THE CHURCH, SO GOES THE NATION

  18. #730
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    If you don't care where you are, you are not lost....

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