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Thread: jocularity

  1. #21
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    My wife said she was leaving me because of my

    lack of vocabulary.
    I was at a loss for words.
    AS GOES THE CHURCH, SO GOES THE NATION

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  3. #22
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    A unit of soldiers was marching a long dusty march across the rolling prairie. It was a hot blistering day and the men, longing for water and rest, were impatient to reach the next town.

    A rancher rode past.

    “Say, friend”, called out one of the men, “how far is it to the next town?”

    “Oh, a matter of two miles or so, I reckon,” called back the rancher. Another long hour dragged by, and another rancher was encountered.

    “How far to the next town?” the men asked him eagerly.

    “Oh, a good two miles.”

    A nearly half hour longer of marching, and then a third rancher. “Hey, how far’s the next town?”

    “Not far,” was the encouraging answer, “only about two miles.”

    “Well,” sighed the optimistic sergeant, “thank God, we’re holding our own, anyhow!"
    AS GOES THE CHURCH, SO GOES THE NATION

  4. #23
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    My ex-wife and I divorced over religious
    differences. She thought she was God and I didn't.

    I found myself in a really strange place after my divorce.......the kitchen.

    I still miss my ex-wife, but my aim is improving.

    Friend: What did your wife do before you divorced her?
    Me: A lot of things I didn't know about.

    Lawyer: "You want a divorce because your wife is careless about her appearance?"
    Me: "Yes. She hasn't showed up in 18 months."

    My divorce has taught me that that poker isn't the only game that starts with holding hands and ends with a big financial loss.

    Lawyer: "You say you're divorcing your wife for health reasons?"
    Me: "Yes. I'm sick of her."

    How is an ex-wife like an inflamed appendix?
    It caused you a lot of pain, but once it was removed you found out you didn't need it anyway.
    AS GOES THE CHURCH, SO GOES THE NATION

  5. #24
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    Thanks for the morning chuckle.

  6. #25
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    “I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.” “You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.” “Well, that’s your own fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”
    AS GOES THE CHURCH, SO GOES THE NATION

  7. #26
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    A big game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his skills as a hunter. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him, and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel. And if he could locate the bullet hole. he would even tell them what caliber rifle was used to shoot it. This was a bit too much for the other customers, and soon a heated argument was going on. Then the hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and the bet was on.

    They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced, "Spring Buck." Then he felt for the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .22 rifle." The others could not believe it. He was right, and the argument was even hotter than before. When some started to suggest that he must have peeked, he said that he was prepared to do it again. He would put up all the drinks they had bought before against them buying another round for him.

    So they blindfolded him again, very thoroughly this time, and they brought a skin that someone happened to have in their car. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Kalahari Lion" and fingering the bullet hole said, "and the rifle was a .308," which of course was right. This, of course, was like throwing fat on the fire, and he had to prove is skills over and over again, every time against a round of drinks.

    Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one heck of a shiner. So he said to his wife, "Listen, I know I was drunk last night, but not too drunk to know that I did not fight anyone in that bar. So where did I get this black eye?" His wife replied angrily, "From me, of course."

    "But what did I do?" he asked. She replied, "You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and announced in a triumphant tone, 'Skunk, killed with an axe.'"

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  9. #27
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    A Father's Last Request

    A husband and wife have four sons. The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with black hair and dark eyes.

    The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son my child?"

    The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."

    With that, the husband passed away. The wife muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."
    AS GOES THE CHURCH, SO GOES THE NATION

  10. #28
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    A cowboy told his grandson the secret to a long
    life. He said, "You gotta sprinkle a little gunpowder on your oatmeal, see. If you do, you'll live to a nice ripe old age.So the cowboy did this religiously every day, and sure enough, lived to the nice ripe old age of 96. When he died he left behind 4 children, 8 grandchildren, 15 great-grandchildren and a 50 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
    AS GOES THE CHURCH, SO GOES THE NATION

  11. #29
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    Vegetarian is an old Indian word for bad hunter.
    AS GOES THE CHURCH, SO GOES THE NATION

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  13. #30
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    Frank was excited about his new rifle. So, he went bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.
    The black bear said: "You've got two choices.
    I either maul you to death or we have rough $ex."

    Frank decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it.

    There was another tap on his shoulder.

    This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly says: "That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have REALLY rough $ex."

    Again, Frank thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it.

    He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.

    The polar bear says:
    "Admit it, Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?
    AS GOES THE CHURCH, SO GOES THE NATION

 

 
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