jocularity

[JimP]

Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
Fred's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
To Fred's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
Fred was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Royal Dublin Society Spring Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully in the next election, you can't always hear the bells.

If you don’t send this on, you’re chicken.

 

[JimP]

LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN!!
The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on salesmanship. Little Sally led off. “I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30” she said proudly, “my sales approach was to appeal to the customer’s civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success.” “Very good”, said the teacher.
Little Debbie was next. “I sold magazines” she said, “I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events.” “Very good, Debbie”, said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny’s turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher’s desk. “$2,467”, he said. “$2,467!” cried the teacher, “What in the world were you selling?” Toothbrushes”, said Little Johnny. “Toothbrushes”, echoed the teacher, “How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?”
“I found the busiest corner in town,” said Little Johnny, “I set up a Dip & Chip stand and I gave everybody who walked by a free sample.” They all said the same thing, “Hey, this tastes like dog sh_t!” Then I would say, “It is dog sh_t. Wanna buy a toothbrush? I used the President Biden method of giving you some crap, dressing it up so it looks good, telling you it’s free and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth.”
Little Johnny got five stars for his assignment. Bless his heart.

 

[kidoggy]

A police motorcycle cop stops a driver for running a red light. The driver
is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer,
demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!


So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist
instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual
orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.


The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.


When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right
corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator'
for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with
his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.


The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an ass hole!"


Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record and he
is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.


On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light.


Under cross examination the defense attorney asks;
"Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"


Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine,
same number at the top."


Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you
don't normally make?"


"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."


"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"


"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."


"Aggressive and hostile?"


"Yes, Sir.”


"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for ass hole?"


“Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.”


How often can one get an attorney to convict his own client?

 

[kidoggy]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand..

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her..

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

 

[kidoggy]

Where did the three blondes go

When the bomb went off???


All over the place......!

 

[kidoggy]

What's blue and doesn't fit?

A dead epileptic girl

 

[JimP]

Old Mr. Hebert stopped by the local mechanic's shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
He had a few chores to take care of, so on the way home, he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem; how to carry his entire bundle of purchases home.
While he was scratching his head in thought, he was approached by a little elderly Cajun lady who told him she was a bit lost. She asked, "Can you told me how to get to 1603 Bayou Rouge Lane?"
Mr. Hebert said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to dat address, and I would walk you dere mon cher, but I don't tink I can carry all dis stuff."
The elderly lady suggested, "Well, why don't you just put da can of paint down in da bucket, carry da bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm, and den carry da goose in you udder hand."
"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl to the address she was seeking.
On the way there, Hebert says "Let's take my short cut cher, and go down dis alley. We'll be dere in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know dat when we get in dat alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have you way wit me?"
Mr. Hebert said, "Good Lawd lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in da world could I possibly hold you up against da wall and do dat?"
The old lady replied, "Set da goose down, cover him wit da bucket, put da paint on top of da bucket, and I'll hold da chickens."

 

[kidoggy]

A Roman Catholic priest is on his way to Rome when he runs into an old childhood friend.
“My goodness, Mary!” He says. “How have you been?”

“Oh, could be better,” she says. “My husband and I have been trying to have children for five years, but we are barren.”

“I’m so sorry,” says the priest. “I’m on a pilgrimage to Rome, and I promise to light a candle for you in the great cathedral.”

Mary thanks him, and after chatting a little longer, they part ways.

Five years later, the priest is eating dinner when there’s a knock at his door. He opens it, and to his surprise, it’s Mary.

“I’m so glad I found you!” She exclaims. “Remember that candle you lit for me, years ago? Well, my husband and I now have a set of twins and a set of triplets — and I just found out I’m pregnant again!”

She then hands the priest an all-expenses paid ticket to Rome.

“Oh Mary!” Says the priest. “Your joy is my joy. You didn’t need to give me a thank-you gift.”

“Oh no, it’s not a thank you,” says Mary. “It’s so you can blow out that damn candle.”

 

[kidoggy]

even hunter biden says, "I miss mean tweets!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

 

[kidoggy]

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest for suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes, all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence

 

[kidoggy]

When a game warden says he found a doe He means

a female deer, not an unidentified dead body.

 

[kidoggy]

"Give it to me now, I'm so wet " she yelled.

She could scream all she wanted,

I'm keeping the umbrella.

 

[kidoggy]

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "NO! I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?!"

 

[kidoggy]

I went to a restaurant & the menu had "Gasless" Bean Soup.
I never heard of such a thing so I asked the waitress how they did that, and she said,
"Easy! We use exactly 239 beans, because one more is 'Too Farty!'"

 

[El Serio]

What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One's big and heavy, the other's a little lighter.

 

[kidoggy]

Sone times you have to listen....

There is a factory that makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory, and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor, and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.

After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

 

[kidoggy]

Yesterday I ate a clock.

It was very time consuming.
Especially when I went
back for seconds.

 

[kidoggy]

Diarrhea is hereditary.

It runs in your jeans.

 

[kidoggy]

If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you,
just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money ?"

 

[kidoggy]

A older couple are in church...

The wife says to the husband, “I’ve let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?”

The husband says, “Change the battery in your hearing aid, 'cause it wasn't all that quite, and you might want to check your depends too."