jocularity

Bonecollector

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Mar 9, 2014
5,852
3,656
Ohio
LITTLE JOHNNY'S SALESMANSHIP

Everyone went into class Monday morning. They were all very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on salesmanship. Little Sally led off. "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30" she said proudly. "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success." "Very good", said the teacher.

Little Debbie was next. "I sold magazines," she said. "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events." "Very good, Debbie", said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk."$2,467,” he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?" "Toothbrushes", said Little Johnny. "Toothbrushes", echoed the teacher. "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?" "I found the busiest corner in town", said Little Johnny. "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and I gave everybody who walked by a free sample." They all said the same thing; "Hey, this tastes like dog shit!" I would say, "It is dog shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"" I used the Bernie Sanders method of giving you some crap, dressing it up so it looks good, telling you it's free, and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth."
 

mallardsx2

Veteran member
Jul 8, 2015
3,811
3,011
A bald guy named bill walked into the barber shop one day to get a haircut.

Barber said "Bill why do you come in here to get your haircut when your completely bald?"

Bill said "Well I just liked to BS".

Barber said "Well I get that... but why the hell do you still carry that comb in your back pocket".

Bill said "I cant part with it"
 

dirtclod Az.

Veteran member
Jan 26, 2018
1,637
444
Arizona
A bald guy named bill walked into the barber shop one day to get a haircut.

Barber said "Bill why do you come in here to get your haircut when your completely bald?"

Bill said "Well I just liked to BS".

Barber said "Well I get that... but why the hell do you still carry that comb in your back pocket".

Bill said "I cant part with it"
Shakin' my head...〽💥
 

kidoggy

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Apr 23, 2016
9,581
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idaho
There was a man who had three girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry. So he decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spent it.

The first one went out and got a total makeover with the money. She got new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gave them to the man. She said, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much." The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money.

Finally, being the mere man he was, he decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.
 

kidoggy

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Apr 23, 2016
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A big difference between men and women

is that if a woman says 'smell this' it's likely to smell nice.
 

kidoggy

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Apr 23, 2016
9,581
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idaho
I talked with a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way.
He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all.
I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed,
I had a roof over my head,
I had HDTV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library.
I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage.
I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? ,Divorce?"
"Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "No, no...
"I was paroled".
 

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
9,581
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idaho
I’m dating this wonderful girl and she has a twin.

People often ask me how I can tell them apart.

In all fairness it’s really easy and fun when asked, especially since I enjoy messing with peoples heads in good but funny way I usually just say "Jane likes to paint her fingernails and Tom has a willie."
 
  • Wow
Reactions: dirtclod Az.

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
9,581
10,279
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idaho
With no warning and clear out of the blue, a husband said to his wife, "Honey, I have invited a friend home for supper tonight."

His wife replied, "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't have time to go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal tonight!"

The husband said, "I know all that."

"Then why in the world did you invite your friend for supper tonight?" asked the wife.

The guy answered, "Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married."
 

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
9,581
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idaho
A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.

After several minutes, the older worker had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see you do it."

The old man got up and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said,

"All right, Idiot, get in."
 

kidoggy

Veteran member
Apr 23, 2016
9,581
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idaho
The lady was a southern woman who attended church services and taught Sunday School every week.

One Sunday, an out of town acquaintance, a gentleman, was in the pew right behind her. He noted what a fine looking woman she was.

While they were taking up the collection, the man leaned forward and said, “How about you and I having dinner on Tuesday?”

“Why yes, that would be nice”, the lady responded.

Well, the gentleman couldn’t believe his luck.

On Tuesday he picked the lady up and took her to the finest restaurant in town. When they sat down, the gentleman looked over at her and suggested, “Would you like a cocktail before dinner?”

“Oh, no,” said the fine example of southern womanhood. “What ever would I tell my Sunday School class?”

Well, the gentleman was set back a bit, so he didn’t say much until after dinner, when he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and asked, “Would you like a smoke?”

“Oh my goodness no,” said the woman. “I couldn’t face my Sunday School class if I did!”

Well, the man felt pretty low after that, so they left and got into his car. As he was driving the lady home, they passed the local Holiday Inn. He’d been morally rebuffed twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose so he ventured forth with, “Ahhh, hhhhmmmm, how would you like to stop at this motel?”

“Sure, that would be nice,” she said in anticipation.

The gentleman couldn’t believe his ears. He did a fast u-turn right then and there, drove back to the motel and checked in!

The next morning, after a wild and passionate night of the most incredible lovemaking imaginable, the gentleman awoke first. He looked at the lovely Dixie darlin’ lying there in the bed and with remorse thought, “What have I done?”

He shook her awake and pleaded, “I’ve got to ask you one thing, whatever are you going to tell your Sunday School class?”

The lady said, “The same thing I always tell them, ‘You don’t have to smoke and drink to have a good time.’”