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  1. #281
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    A guy meets a sex worker in a bar.
    She says, ‘This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300 as long as you can say it in three words.’
    The guy replies, ‘Hey, why not?’ He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays $300 on the bar, and says slowly. ‘Paint…my….porch.’
    AS GOES THE CHURCH, SO GOES THE NATION

  2. #282
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    one morning on the golf course Two men were playing golf when one noticed a funeral procession passing the course. He removed his cap, lowered his head, and whispered a prayer. "That was nice of you," his friend said. The man put his cap back on. "It's the least I could do," he said. "I was married to her for thirty-six years."
    AS GOES THE CHURCH, SO GOES THE NATION

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  4. #283
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    Sent from my SAMSUNG-SGH-I337Z using Tapatalk

  5. #284
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    Just before the final exam in 
my college finance class, a less-than-stellar student approached me.

    “Can you tell me what grade 
I would need to get on the exam 
to pass the course?” he asked.

    I gave him the bad news. “The exam is worth 100 points. You would need 113 points to earn a D.”

    “OK,” he said. “And how many points would I need to get a C?”
    AS GOES THE CHURCH, SO GOES THE NATION

  6. #285
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    SEX AND GOOD GRAMMAR

    On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife.

    The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction!

    The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man.

    The old Indian gave him a potion and with a grip on his shoulder warned,

    'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful,
    and then say '1-2-3.'

    When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want."

    The man thanked the old Indian and as he walked away, he turned and asked,

    "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

    "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

    He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, and took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

    When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

    Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked,

    "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
    And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition.
    We could end up with a dangling participle.
    AS GOES THE CHURCH, SO GOES THE NATION

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  8. #286
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    THIS IS A “LAUGH OUT LOUD EMAIL”---SO I HAD TO PASS IT ON---HOPE YOU AGREE---


    How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?


    These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said. . .
    in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment
    of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place...

    ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your Husband said to you that morning?
    WITNESS: He said, 'Where are you Cathy?'
    ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
    WITNESS: My name is Susan


    ATTORNEY: This Myasthenia Gravis, does it affect your Memory at all?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your Memory?
    WITNESS: I Forget.
    ATTORNEY: You Forget? Can you give us an Example of something you Forgot?



    ATTORNEY: Now Doctor, isn't it true that when a Person dies in his sleep, He doesn't know about it until the next Morning?
    WITNESS: Did you actually Pass the Bar Exam?


    ATTORNEY: The Youngest Son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
    WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.


    ATTORNEY: Were you Present when your Picture was taken?
    WITNESS: Are you Kidding me?


    ATTORNEY: She had three Children, Right?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: How many were Boys?
    WITNESS: None.
    ATTORNEY: Were there any Girls?
    WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different Attorney. Can I get a new Attorney?

    ATTORNEY: How was your first Marriage Terminated?
    WITNESS: By Death.
    ATTORNEY: And by whose Death was it Terminated?
    WITNESS: Take a Guess.


    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the Individual?
    WITNESS: He was about Medium Height and had a Beard
    ATTORNEY: Was this a Male or a Female?
    WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with Male.


    ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your Autopsies have you Performed on Dead People?
    WITNESS: All of them. The Live Ones Put Up Too Much Of A Fight.


    ATTORNEY: ALL your Responses MUST be Oral, OK? What School did you go to?
    WITNESS: ORAL...


    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the Body?
    WITNESS: The Autopsy started around 8:30 PM
    ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was Dead at the time?
    WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.


    And Lastly:


    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the Autopsy, did you check for a Pulse?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for Blood Pressure?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for Breathing?
    WITNESS: No..
    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the Patient was Alive when you began the Autopsy?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    WITNESS: Because his Brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    ATTORNEY: I see, but could the Patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and Practicing Law.


    Top

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  10. #287
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    Be a Trooper

    Alarm goes off at 0500

    Wake up Richard, your shift starts at 1300 today

    Stumble out of bed, stand next to the mirror and look sad

    Put on campaign hat

    Heck yeah

    All better now

    Wife asks you why you’re wearing your campaign hat at 5 in the morning

    ‘I’m a Trooper.’

    Wife shakes head and walks away

    Walk out to driveway

    Start to wash and wax your squad

    Notice neighbor looking at you funny

    ‘Hey Richard, that’s the third time you’ve washed your police car in 24 hours……’

    Look at your neighbor in disgust

    Did he just call you a police officer?

    Heck Ya I’m a Trooper

    Walk away

    Put on campaign hat

    Heck yeah

    All better now

    It’s 1259 now

    Shift starts at 1300

    Sit in your squad

    Finger tapping on the mic

    Crap is it 1300 yet?

    It is now

    Start squad up

    Driving the highways

    Hot call comes out

    You’re dispatched to it

    Adrenaline pumping

    120 miles per hour down the freeway

    Lights/siren going

    Arrive on scene

    Remove tree branch that was partially blocking the shoulder

    Saving frecking lives man

    Tip campaign hat to a passing motorist

    They ask you why you did that

    I just saved your life mam

    ‘I’m a Trooper.’

    No need to thank me, just doing my job

    Get back into squad car

    Time to crack down on speeders

    Make your first traffic stop

    Unbelievable speeder

    You stare in horror for the blatant disregard they have for others

    Issue the citation for speed

    ‘Sir you’re receiving a citation for 57 in a 55 today…’

    “Seriously? This is the third time this week…Only you…”

    ‘Sir……………………………………………….I’m a Trooper. I just saved your life. Slow down’

    Walk away

    Heck yeah I’m a Trooper

    Get back in squad car

    Scanning city police channel

    Overheard a call come out

    Hot call

    Shooting

    Four people confirmed shot

    Shakes head

    ‘Not on the highway, not interrupting my day.’

    Stop a car for speed

    58 in a 55

    Heathens

    Get a hot call

    Adrenaline pumping, palms sweaty

    120 mph on the freeway

    Lights/siren going

    Arrive on scene

    Remove empty, flat 2x2 cardboard box from #3 lane

    Saved another frecking life today

    Say ‘You’re welcome, motoring public’ and tip your campaign hat as you walk to your squad

    People shrug their shoulders and wonder why you do that

    They don’t get it

    They’re not Troopers

    We’re the gold standard of law enforcement

    They just can’t comprehend it

    End your shift

    It’s been a long 8 hours

    Pull your squad into your driveway

    Go into shock

    Staring in horror at the neighbors front lawn

    Get out of squad car

    Start walking quickly towards the neighbors to confront them

    Crap, forgot the campaign hat

    Go back to squad car

    Put campaign hat on

    Start walking quickly to neighbors again

    Your wife sees you

    ‘RICHARD! What are you doing?’

    “This has been going on too long. I’m talking to the neighbors and fixing this problem.”

    Get to the neighbors house

    Pound on door furiously

    Answered

    ‘Hey…Richard…what’s up?’

    “Your lawn. Grass is 5 inches tall. Ordinance says 4 inches max. Follow the rules. Next time it’s a ticket.”

    See. Troopers can give warnings too

  11. #288
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    Me: So I hear that the MVUA's are strictly enforced in Wyoming, is that true or do people drive back behind the gates?

    Game Warden: (long pause) Why don't you just follow the rules and you wouldn't have to worry about it?

    Talk about a miscommunication!!

  12. #289
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    Click image for larger version. 

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    Four Seasons

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  14. #290
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    Quote Originally Posted by nv-hunter View Post
    Be a Trooper

    Alarm goes off at 0500

    Wake up Richard, your shift starts at 1300 today

    Stumble out of bed, stand next to the mirror and look sad

    Put on campaign hat

    Heck yeah

    All better now

    Wife asks you why you’re wearing your campaign hat at 5 in the morning

    ‘I’m a Trooper.’

    Wife shakes head and walks away

    Walk out to driveway

    Start to wash and wax your squad

    Notice neighbor looking at you funny

    ‘Hey Richard, that’s the third time you’ve washed your police car in 24 hours……’

    Look at your neighbor in disgust

    Did he just call you a police officer?

    Heck Ya I’m a Trooper

    Walk away

    Put on campaign hat

    Heck yeah

    All better now

    It’s 1259 now

    Shift starts at 1300

    Sit in your squad

    Finger tapping on the mic

    Crap is it 1300 yet?

    It is now

    Start squad up

    Driving the highways

    Hot call comes out

    You’re dispatched to it

    Adrenaline pumping

    120 miles per hour down the freeway

    Lights/siren going

    Arrive on scene

    Remove tree branch that was partially blocking the shoulder

    Saving frecking lives man

    Tip campaign hat to a passing motorist

    They ask you why you did that

    I just saved your life mam

    ‘I’m a Trooper.’

    No need to thank me, just doing my job

    Get back into squad car

    Time to crack down on speeders

    Make your first traffic stop

    Unbelievable speeder

    You stare in horror for the blatant disregard they have for others

    Issue the citation for speed

    ‘Sir you’re receiving a citation for 57 in a 55 today…’

    “Seriously? This is the third time this week…Only you…”

    ‘Sir……………………………………………….I’m a Trooper. I just saved your life. Slow down’

    Walk away

    Heck yeah I’m a Trooper

    Get back in squad car

    Scanning city police channel

    Overheard a call come out

    Hot call

    Shooting

    Four people confirmed shot

    Shakes head

    ‘Not on the highway, not interrupting my day.’

    Stop a car for speed

    58 in a 55

    Heathens

    Get a hot call

    Adrenaline pumping, palms sweaty

    120 mph on the freeway

    Lights/siren going

    Arrive on scene

    Remove empty, flat 2x2 cardboard box from #3 lane

    Saved another frecking life today

    Say ‘You’re welcome, motoring public’ and tip your campaign hat as you walk to your squad

    People shrug their shoulders and wonder why you do that

    They don’t get it

    They’re not Troopers

    We’re the gold standard of law enforcement

    They just can’t comprehend it

    End your shift

    It’s been a long 8 hours

    Pull your squad into your driveway

    Go into shock

    Staring in horror at the neighbors front lawn

    Get out of squad car

    Start walking quickly towards the neighbors to confront them

    Crap, forgot the campaign hat

    Go back to squad car

    Put campaign hat on

    Start walking quickly to neighbors again

    Your wife sees you

    ‘RICHARD! What are you doing?’

    “This has been going on too long. I’m talking to the neighbors and fixing this problem.”

    Get to the neighbors house

    Pound on door furiously

    Answered

    ‘Hey…Richard…what’s up?’

    “Your lawn. Grass is 5 inches tall. Ordinance says 4 inches max. Follow the rules. Next time it’s a ticket.”

    See. Troopers can give warnings too
    there's a minute I wish I had back.lol.
    AS GOES THE CHURCH, SO GOES THE NATION

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