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Thread: jocularity

  1. #231
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    What did the pirate say when he turned 80?


    "Aye, matey."
    AS GOES THE CHURCH, SO GOES THE NATION

  2. #232
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    A man boards a plane and is seated next to an Air Marshall and his ‘sniffing dog’. Soon, the plane takes off and the Marshall says, “Sniffer, search.” The dog walks along the aisle, and stops next to a woman. He then returns to his seat and puts a paw on the Marshall’s arm.

    “Good boy,” says the Marshall.

    “What happened?” asks the man.

    “That woman is in possession of marijuana. We’ll arrest her when we land.”

    Once again, Sniffer searches the aisles. He stops beside a man, then returns to his seat, and places two paws on the Marshall’s arm.

    “That man is carrying cocaine,” the Marshall explains.

    The dog walks up the aisle again, then races back, jumps into his seat, and poops all over it.

    “What’s going on?!” demands the man.

    The Marshall nervously replies, “He just found a bomb!”
    AS GOES THE CHURCH, SO GOES THE NATION

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  4. #233
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    A Frenchman walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bird is wearing a baseball cap. The bartender says, “Hey, that’s neat. Where did you get that?”

    The parrot says, “France—they’ve got millions of them there.”
    AS GOES THE CHURCH, SO GOES THE NATION

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  6. #234
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    According to the Internet: The inscription on the metal bands used by the U. S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated as “Wash. Biol. Surv.”—until the agency received the following letter from an unhappy camper: “Dear Sirs: While camping last week, I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and want to tell you it tasted horrible.”

    The bands are now marked “Fish & Wildlife Service.”
    AS GOES THE CHURCH, SO GOES THE NATION

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  8. #235
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    I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
    AS GOES THE CHURCH, SO GOES THE NATION

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  10. #236
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    What is Forrest Gump’s email password?

    1Forrest1
    AS GOES THE CHURCH, SO GOES THE NATION

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  12. #237
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    At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having 
a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist’s work. They finally went with mine.

    “I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral,” I said.

    “No,” said the boy. “Your painting’s wider, so it’ll cover three holes in 
our wall.”
    AS GOES THE CHURCH, SO GOES THE NATION

  13. #238
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    A man went to the hardware store to buy a chainsaw. The salesman directed him to one that could easily cut up 20 trees a day, and the guy bought it. Two days later he returned and said it wasn't what he wanted. It could only cut 1 tree a day. The salesman was shocked and took it out back to try it on some lumber. He started it up and the customer jumped back in shock, "what the hell is that noise?!"

  14. #239
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    The biggest change after having kids was putting a swear jar in the house. Whenever I say a bad word, 
I have to put a dollar in the jar, and 
at the end of every month, I take all that money and buy myself a nice steak for being such a cool dad.
    AS GOES THE CHURCH, SO GOES THE NATION

  15. #240
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    My collection of vintage kitchen utensils includes one whose intended purpose was always a mystery. It looks like a cross between a metal slotted spoon and a spatula, so I 
use it as both. When not in use, it 
is prominently displayed in a 
decorative ceramic utensil caddy 
in my kitchen.

    The mystery of the spoon/spatula was recently solved when I found one in its original packaging at 
a rummage sale.

    It’s a pooper-scooper.
    AS GOES THE CHURCH, SO GOES THE NATION

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